Are you sad? Are you happy? Are you a statistically oriented baseball fan, just looking for love in this cruel, Mariner-less world. The offseason can be a confusing time for all of us, filled with questions like Will Jerry Dipoto do a good job? (probablyyesplease) Will Mike Zunino ever hit again? (see previous answer) Will we sign a marquee free agent? (¯\_(ツ)_/¯) Will we ever publish an off-season plan!?!?! (friends, have a beer or a coconut water or something). In times like these, it can be hard to know what to do. But never fear, our Sweet Prince is here. Let Kyle be your guide.
When your craziest cousin decides to talk politics at Thanksgiving.
When all you want to do is be the hug monster you are!
When you knock a full beer off the counter AND OH SHIT IT IS FINE I CAUGHT IT YOU GUYS.
When your breakfast burrito shifts in your stomach mid-meeting, and you're trying not to let your co-workers know.
When your grandmother tells you that you'll never get married if you keep writing about baseball because how will you ever meet anyone and honestly why is any of this that important to you and it shouldn't be this hard, you know?
When you wear white jeans after Labor Day and then trip on your way to your car.
When people insist on saying RBIs instead of RBI. It's "Runs Batted In." It's already plural. Stop it. Or at least call it RsBI and sound like a pirate.
When you find out. You're. Getting. Off. Early. On. Friday. Cheers to the freakin' weekend.
When Michael tells you he knows it was you, Fredo. You broke his heart. You broke his heart.
When you worry about leaving your family behind to tend the harvest, but know the Union depends on your brave maneuvers at the battle of Antietam.
When you're stuck at PG movies with your mom.
When you're finally old enough to go to rated R movies.
When you bite your lip really hard and then keep biting that same spot over and over again!
When you fire off a #hottaek on twitter, then brace for impact.
When you hit a grand slam and win the game and then Rodney is a terrible dummy and loses the game but then you come back and win the game again because you have to do everything by your gosh darn self and then Meg's mom asks her why pitcher wins are a thing because those seem pretty stupid but Meg's mom is a pretty smart lady. Sorry, that was a little on the nose.
When you realize that Kyle Seager is ours, and other people can't have him. (You hear that Jerry? Ok, cool.)