August 26, 2014, 7:25 ET: The Seattle Mariners have announced that they have signed you to a multiyear extension with the playoff-contending club. Terms were not announced.
"We felt the time was right to make a move," Chuck Armstrong said, while sipping gingerly from a snifter of cooking sherry. "With the team in contention and so many moves paying off, it seemed like a perfect time to lock in the fanbase." The team had just this afternoon announced a similar extension to general manager Jack Zduriencik, who stood mutely in the corner of the room with his hands folded behind his back during the interview.
Armstrong continued: "Based on the market research we conducted through the King's Court, we discovered that our valuable and expensive players felt better about themselves when they played in front of large crowds. That's why we worked with the city of Seattle and the local chapter of the Illuminati to institute mandatory fandom. Though I'm not entirely certain of the methods - mind control, I think it was, or media bias? - I've been assured that the emotional servitude of our local market is all but certain.
I'd like to thank each and every fan for their guaranteed support, though the sentiment is of course entirely unnecessary."
Armstrong also noted that as a reward, the team was lowering ticket and beer prices, though for the life of you, you can't seem to remember exactly how much they cost before. Best not to worry.
Provided below are the heroes you unquestioningly adore this evening, preceded by their wicked foes:
|TEXAS RANGERS||SEATTLE MARINERS|
|Dan Robertson - CF||Austin Jackson - CF|
|Elvis Andrus - SS||Dustin Ackley - LF|
|Alex Rios - RF||Robinson Cano - 2B|
|Adrian Beltre - 3B||Kendrys Morales - DH|
|J.P. Arencibia - DH||Kyle Seager - 3B|
|Adam Rosales - 1B||Logan Morrison - 1B|
|Michael Choice - LF||Chris Taylor - SS|
|Robinson Chirinos - C||Endy Chavez - RF|
|Rougned Odor - 2B||Jesus Sucre - C|
|Nick Martinez - RHP||James Paxton - LHP|
Chris Denorfia is a late scratch with a stiff neck, and is listed as day-to-day. Endy Chavez gets the start.