We're in the afternoon of the last Wednesday in November, and in just over 24 hours something very important is going to happen. Very important. You may think this upcoming event has something to do with food, or family. Perhaps it is some vague cultural tradition that has been historically used as a ritual for the construction of national identity. Well, if you thought any of those things, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong.
IT'S TIME TO BUY SOME SHIT.
Now sure, I hear you. What does all this have to do with the Mariners? Well, to answer this question, we will be turning to the always indubitable and effervescent Dave Sims, Mariners play-by-play announcer and owner of D. Sims Hat Collection. No, not the one in his closet. An actual hat company.
I suppose we've known about Dave Sims' hat company for a while now, as he occasionally brings it up in his post-game shit-shooting sessions with Mike Blowers on TV. But I've never actually let it interest me enough to do anything beyond thinking well how about that and then changing the channel.
But then all of a sudden he was on my TV this morning, talking about Kyle Seager's contract extension as Hot Stove host Matt Vasgersian let out word that Sims is hosting a 45% OFF SALE ON HIS WEBSTORE. It's enough to even make Billy Ripken stop yelling in the middle of a sentence:
Now many of us love Sims precisely because he's a little more exciting than your typical MLB play-by-play guy without turning into drunk uncle Ken rambling after Thanksgiving dinner. Sure, he isn't perfect. But he does fun things like call Dustin Ackley 'Kyle' and lose his goddamn mind when he sees home runs, which, when you think about it, should be what happens every time you see a person hit a tiny baseball 400 feet simply by waving a stick at it:
But a hat store? Yes. Sims' company was started after the Mariners held "Dave Sims Hat Night" in 2010, and since then it has expanded the collection into a full-blown enterprise, honoring parts of his family's history and donating 10% of its profits to various charitable organizations. But fancy gentleman's hats are very difficult to pull off, and while I don't want to rag on fedoras as a blanket statement, we all know there is a fine line between looking great and trying to look great.
So in light of this, I decided to give his store a once-over, listing some of my favorites here for you to scour. Take a gander at some of your options, and don't forget to enter "HOLIDAYS2014" as a promo code when you inevitably buy all of them in thirty minutes:
Now this is some classic Dave Sims shit right here, and I'm pretty sure it's his go to summer hat during the M's season. The bright white veneer allows it to stand out against neutral colors worn on the lower body, calling subtle attention to the wearer's face as a sort of power move. It also kind of makes you look like Don Fanucci from The Godfather 2.
That said, you can't deny that this hat works if you can pull it off. The Sims knows what works. But what about hats for the rest of us?
This hat was named after D.Sims brand "ambassador" Torii Hunter, but I've just spent about an hour scouring the internet for a photo of him wearing one. I can't find one. This has led me to believe that Torii Hunter is just letting Dave Sims use his name as a marketing ploy.
Dave, you deserve better friends than this, you really do.
I'm not really sure what is going on with this hat--is this made out of wicker?-- but the site claims it's perfect for "the beach or a baseball game." It's apparently named after Nick Carraway from The Great Gatsby, a nice guy who does things like claim to reserve judgements of others before spending 180 pages telling you about how shitty all his friends are.
The hat does have a nice sort of old-timey feel, like in all those vintage photos you see of old businessmen taking the day off at the ballpark, sweating under the sun with full suits and a face full of pipe tobacco. I love me some good nostalgia now and then, but you can't pick and choose what parts of the past you want back, like only a hat. Nah, I'd like to see the Sims pop this one out during a spring training broadcast next season instead.
Are you in a third-wave ska band? Is it 1942? If you answered no to either of those questions then this is not the hat for you.
Look at this guy. I don't know what this man just did to be grinning like this, but I don't trust him around my money, my car, or my person. Why is his necktie undone? Why is he mid-wink? What is he drinking? Are those whisky stones? The car costs HOW MUCH?
But yeah, the hat's fine.
Obviously named after Indiana Jones, Dave Sims has shown with this hat that his son, the line's designer, clearly doesn't favor authenticity in this whole endeavor. This isn't a felt fedora worn by a treasure-hunting archaeologist--I'd expect to see this on Bogey in Casablanca before anything else. Then again, as usual, it looks perfectly fine on Sims himself. Which...hm. Now that you mention it,
So for the record: Man who can pull off fancy hats starts fancy hat company, has son design fancy hats that he can....sell.
Never change, Dave Sims. Never change.
View the rest of Sims' hat collection at www.dsims.com and enter HOLIDAYS2014 for 45% off if you feel so inclined. His son Jarett does some really great work, even if you aren't big on hats yourself.