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Seattle Mariners vs. Texas Rangers Series Preview (7/2-7/4)

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The Mariners travel to Texas to eat barbeque and argue about the proper method of cooking chili. I mean play baseball.

Headless Beltre
Headless Beltre
Stephen Brashear

Teams that will be playing each other: The Seattle Mariners and Texas Rangers

Likelihood of the reader already knowing the above information: Very high

Where the games will take place: Arlington, Texas

More specifically: Rangers Ballpark

The author's supposition that most US states have within their boundaries a city or town with the name of Arlington: Semi-gnawing

How many games will be played: Three (3)

What time they will be played: 5:05 PM PT; 5:05 PM PT; 5:05 PM PT

Where the games can be watched on television: ROOT Sports

Where the games can be listened to on the radio: 710 ESPN

Scheduled Seattle Mariners pitchers: Joe Saunders; Felix Hernandez; Hisashi Iwakuma

Number of aforementioned Seattle pitchers who are good: Two (2)

Scheduled Texas Rangers pitchers: Justin Grimm; Derek Holland; Martin Perez

Number of aforementioned Texas pitchers who are good: It's the Rangers, so probably all of them

Number of aforementioned Texas pitchers who were recently kicked out of a Counting Crows concert: One (1)

Name of said Texas pitcher: Derek Holland

Typical status of Derek Holland's mustache: Prepubescent, wispy, inspiring inappropriate assumptions

Lowest FIP of all scheduled starting pitchers: 2.51 (Felix Hernandez)

Lowest xFIP of all scheduled starting pitchers: 2.51 (Felix Hernandez)

Highest fWAR of all scheduled starting pitchers: 3.4 (Felix Hernandez and Derek Holland)

The author's surprise upon researching the above fWAR figures: Abundant, overwhelming

Seriously what is Derek Holland doing there: I have no idea

Rank of the Mariners fielding according to FanGraphs: 29th

Rank of the Rangers fielding according to FanGraphs: 7th

Rangers Ballpark Promotions taking place during series: gloops Rangers Fedora (first 30,000); Dr. Pepper Autograph Wednesday (13 and under) and Nolan Ryan Beef Dollar Hot Dog Night; Independence Day Fireworks

What the F gloops is: A Japanese company specializing in social media

How many Nolan Ryan Beef Dollar Hot Dogs the author assumes will be sold: All of them

Possibility of adorable and life-affirming interactions between baseball best friends Felix Hernadez and Adrian Beltre: Existent, bursting with hope

Laziness of employed Series Preview format: Hell of

Status of current Seattle Mariners/Texas Rangers Series Preview: Ending