The All-Raul Team

So, it's the "batsh-t crazy rumor" time of the year, and it's really generic and valuable to propose reasonable and sensible signings. Sure, thousands of writers and bloggers are looking over depth carts, free agency lists, contracts, and player profiles to see where signings and trades would make sense.

But the M's being virtually unwatchable over the last year, I thought it was time to consider Jack Z fielding a team that was so incredibly awful that no one would dare look away.

So, here was my goal: Create a team with no defensive skills and high-contact pitchers entirely from free agents that could be signed for the M's 2014 team. These should be players with "that winning veteran presence" who were "baseball players".

When a ball is hit by any opposing team, you should expect at least one injury, an error, and almost zero chance of the ball being successfully fielded


Here is how I valued all players (from most significant to least):

-Must be an available free agent. (According to Cot's Contracts, because I'm not actually checking on this very much.)

-Age (must be at least 33 years old, and the older the better, but still must have had at least 300 at bats over the last 2 years, or 200 innings pitched for starters and 80 for relievers.)

-A "winner" (having played on a pennant winning team at one point in their career.)

Here is how I evaluated positional players:

-Terrible defensive metrics (must have a defensive value less than 0, and preferably less than -10 on fangraphs)

-Slow (must either have a negative baserunning value on fangraphs, or have less than 5 net stolen bases over the last year)

Here is how I evaluated pitchers:

-Going to allow the hitters to put it in play (High contact rates)

-Frightening to watch (Low K's and GB rate)

-"Innings Eaters" (More innings = better, regardless the results)


So, with that said, I tried to put a team together that was the MLB equivalent of watching a flaming train wreck with kangaroos in one train, and glitter paint in the other.

Here is my team, as signed by Jack Z, showing up in February to start training camp, with nearly 400 years of MLB experience:

SP: Bartolo Colon
SP: Bronson Arroyo
SP: Bruce Chen
SP: Ryan Vogelsong
SP: Barry Zito
RP: LaTroy Hawkins
RP: Luis Ayala
RP:Shawn Camp
RP:Kevin Gregg
RP: Darren Oliver
CL: Scott Atchison
C/DH: Rod Barajas
C/DH: Miguel Olivo
1B/DH: Lyle Overbay
2B/DH: Skip Schumaker
SS/DH: Derek Jeter
3B/DH: Michael Young
IF/DH: Rafael Furcal
OF/DH: Carlos Beltran
OF/DH: Andres Torres
OF/DH: Raul Ibanez
OF/DH: Juan Rivera
OF/DH: Endy Chavez
B/PH/DH: Paul Konerko
B/PH/DH: Travis Hafner

Now, a couple of these players have team options, but if you're worried about logic, this isn't the post for you.

So, what do you think? Anyone that I missed?