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Awful Gifts For Mariners Fans You Hate

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Otto Greule Jr

For many of you out there, this is a time of gift-exchanging, although if you're still looking for ideas, you're kind of shit out of luck. And you're shit out of loving friends and family because my goodness look how indifferent you are. When it comes to getting gifts, it's funny how some people end up getting identified by a single characteristic. If there's someone you know who likes chocolate, that person will get a whole lot of chocolate. If there's someone who really loves his or her dogs, he or she will get a whole lot of shit for the dogs. If you know a guy who loves sports, that guy will get stuff that has to do with sports. The holidays have a way of revealing how simply we're perceived by others.

Just as some people will identify as sports fans, some people will identify more specifically as Seattle Mariners fans. As people who identify as Mariners fans, these people will end up getting a lot of Seattle Mariners gifts. What follow are some suggestions for Seattle Mariners gifts. Provided you can't stand the person for whom you're buying the gift. These are really terrible Seattle Mariners gifts for Seattle Mariners fans you don't like.

New York Yankees 2001 American League Champions t-shirt by Lee size medium new



First of all, but not really first of all, but actually first of all, the headline description says "size medium". Later, however:

I have this New York Yankees t-shirt in size large.

This would be a shitty gift for a Yankees fan, because who would want to celebrate not winning the championship, which is what the Yankees did in 2001? This would be a shitty gift in general because everyone always looks awful in dated championship/bowl game apparel. This would be a shitty gift for a Mariners fan because the 2001 Seattle Mariners were the best team ever. Fuck the 1998 Yankees, they won two fewer games. Fuck the 1906 Chicago Cubs, those Cubs against players today would be like today's Cubs against players today. The 2001 Seattle Mariners were absolutely unbelievable, and still their season ended a game earlier than the season before. It ended against the Yankees, who had America's hearts on their side. Did you know the Seattle Mariners have never been to the World Series? The Seattle Mariners have never been to the World Series. The 2001 Seattle Mariners won 116 games. They lost in the ALCS four games to one. This is why I love the playoffs and this is why there's nothing I hate more than the playoffs.




Nothing says "I refuse to acknowledge that sports are a worthwhile pastime" quite like an official Seattle Mariners garden gnome. In case you weren't already depressed, this is from the product description:

Hand painted in official team colors and officially licensed by the team and league.

Hand fucking painted. Somebody was aware of this while this was being produced. Here's the connection as I can see it: the Seattle Mariners play in Seattle, and people in Seattle often have gardens. The gardening, though, that's a separate thing. People don't want their gardening and their baseball to overlap. People have probably never even considered having their gardening and their baseball overlap. There is not one single reason for this gnome to exist, and it even looks like the gnome knows that. The expression on the gnome's face eerily mirrors the expression on the face of the gift-receiver.

Seattle Mariners 1997 MLB Western Division Champ button



The fuck is the "Western Division"? The fuck do you do with a button? There's nothing more ugly and selfish than getting upset over a gift -- it's a god-damned gift, after all -- but I think if I got this I'd probably throw it at the person who bought it for me and also throw an open jar of poison.

Mariners fan: /opens box
Mariners fan: /investigates contents
Mariners fan:
Gift giver:
So what do you think?
Mariners fan: Ask me again what I think.
Gift giver: What do you think?
Mariners fan: /reaches for poison

Ken Griffey Jr Mariners 1998 Highlight Starz Stuffed Action Figure



Designed and manufactured by the one individual who's never seen a black person, or a person. I don't know where one gets off referring to this as an action figure, unless every figure is an action figure, in that every figure can perform at least one action. Note that this is 1998-specific. I want to write so much more about this thing but every time I start a new sentence I just sigh and delete it and hang my head. I can't even look at this picture. I don't understand this picture, or the item pictured, and looking somehow makes me feel a little racist. Is Griffey's cap made out of felt? What happened to the bill? What happened to the everything? People didn't just propose this concept -- people okayed this concept.

1996 Uncut Seattle Mariners Phantom World Series / Playoffs Tickets



This almost -- almost -- seems like kind of a cool gift, at first. Then you think about it and it's the opposite of that. I don't even -- the 1996 Seattle Mariners didn't make the playoffs. They won 85 games and lost the Wild Card to the Orioles. This might be the saddest gift. "Your team has never made it to the World Series, but your team has played make-believe, as you can see on this sheet of uncut tickets." "Look at how these tickets were uncut, because they weren't used, because they weren't needed, because the Mariners didn't advance." "Consider how bad your favorite baseball team has been always." A good companion to a gift like this is a framed picture of an ex-girlfriend who is now happily married to someone better-looking.

Yuniesky Betancourt



Yuni is presently unemployed, meaning Yuni is presently available, and he could be given as a gift. Not only would he serve as a constant reminder of busted promise; he'd be a bitch to take care of, and of course he'd need to be taken care of. You know how it's annoying when people give pets, since pets require so much day-to-day attention? Since pets require a considerable commitment? Now imagine giving Yuniesky Betancourt. The gift receiver couldn't just put Yuni out on the street. He'd have to take Yuni in, and who knows how long a Yuniesky Betancourt typically lives for? What an unwanted, life-changing hassle this would be.

Vintage Seattle Mariners Snapback Hat



The really cool thing is this hat functions as an actual time machine to the year 1994. The catch is that no one would ever make it work by putting it on. The 90s were a decade of things designed during earthquakes, to resemble earthquakes and earthquake aftermath. We loved to make everything look jumbled. In truth, the only thing jumbled was ourselves. And everything we made or drew or imagined. And everything was colored all ugly-like too. Why didn't they just make the letters in "Mariners" smaller? Why is this hat? Why is this hat.

Seattle Mariners Cleveland Indians 1995 Champ Series T-shirt L MLB



1995 was a magical season for the Seattle Mariners, but it didn't end after The Double. Edgar Martinez didn't win the World Series with The Double. He didn't even send the Mariners to the World Series with The Double. The Double sent the Mariners to the ALCS, where they met the Indians, and lost to them. This is not only a dated, event-specific t-shirt -- it doesn't even celebrate a winner. It celebrates the existence of a competition to determine a winner. What was the target market when this t-shirt was printed? Are there people out there who are fans of series? Give this to a Mariners fan and not only will he be disappointed and depressed, but he'll also be confused because t-shirts aren't supposed to be perishable. At least not to this degree.