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2012 FanGraphs Fan Projections Now Open

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Okay, so the collective group of internet users out there that participated in these last year kinda stunk. A data monkey did better than you lot. I don't know what got into you, Josephine, that you had to get all those projections wrong. Were you trying to prove something? Was it a cry for attention? Too bad if it was, you didn't get any and you'll continue to not get any since you are a made up person I created so I could address this in the second person singular. Because as much as I don't mind repeatedly using adopted pluralisms like "y'all" in my verbal communication, I have not yet rid myself of the tendency to revert to the implied plural of "you" when writing. And I don't care that it's currently considered grammatically correct. Grammar is a slipshod slapdash of amalgamated anachronisms overzealously clung to. Yes, I began a sentence with a conjunction; lighten up.

What you should not do is lighten up about these baseball projections! Josephine, and everyone, has to buckle down and hit the books this year. We, and by we, I mean people not including myself, need to do better. Primarily that will involve being more realistic about the Mariners but also includes players employed by other teams, which, let's be honest, nobody holds a worthwhile opinion about. You (dammit) might as well toss random dice to decide what projections to enter for non-Mariners. Here, I'll help you out. Use the following random numbers: six, six, six, 6.6, six, 66, six and 6. Go ahead and combine them in any fashion and order for those players.

The hometown, or not hometown but still favorite for some reason, players are going to be the focus however. The first thing to do is to create a projection line for each player and then immediately slash 10% off it. This is the Mariners, people. Wake up and smell the disappointment. It smells like cinnamon rolls except instead of being baked by your significant other, they're being baked by that jerk of a neighbor who never shares. Moreover, you don't even have a significant other! You root for the Mariners. In fact, forget 10%. Lop 50% right off those projections. Wait, that's still not enough. An innocent child out yonder still has hope. Go with negative infinity in every category; also known as a Franklin Gutierrez.

Go. Go to FanGraphs and enter some projections. Do it now. Or later. But do it now, while supplies last.