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Mariners Announce Hot Sexy Spring Schedule


Over the last little while, I've noticed a bunch of other baseball teams announcing their schedules for next year's spring training. I've waited impatiently for the Mariners to provide their version of news I don't care about and that, truthfully, most of you don't care about, and today the press release finally arrived in my email. Let's break this shit down, chronologically!

February 11
Pitchers and catchers report to Arizona so that doctors can look at them and occasionally touch them.

February 12
Pitchers and catchers begin workouts with a renewed sense of feeling personally violated.

February 17
Position players report to Arizona so that doctors can look at them and occasionally touch them.

February 18
Full-squad workouts begin and position players ask pitchers for advice on how they can move past the violation and indignity they felt the day before.

March 2
Cactus League schedule kicks off with the M's visiting the A's. I use the word "visiting" because I think it conveys the right message about how important this game is.

March 3
M's play the A's at home. I use the word "play" because I think it also conveys the right message about how important this game is. Teams are always playing. They're playing! How do we ever take this seriously!

March 4
M's and Padres play annual charity game, for which I'm already preparing jokes. What I just today learned from the press release is that the charity game "benefits over two dozen local causes in the Peoria area." The charity game benefits at least 25 different causes. Exactly how much money does the charity game usually bring in? Either this shit is secretly lucrative or each different cause ends up with a $25 gift certificate to Staples.

March 5 - March 21
Continued hot sexy intersquad Cactus League baseball action.

March 20
Spring begins.

March 22
Travel day to Japan! Field trip, yay!

March 23 - March 24
Off days in Japan, when Ichiro will develop another ulcer from having to answer too many questions, and Randy Messenger will sneak into one of the team tour groups in the hopes of blending in and being taken back to America.

March 25 - March 26
M's play two games against teams from the Japanese leagues. At this point it will be considered whether the Japanese leagues provide a more appropriate level of competition.

March 27
Off day in Japan, when some Mariners begin to suspect Randy Messenger, and Randy Messenger pretends to be Chance Ruffin. Ruffin cannot answer for himself because he is back in the hotel, feeling dreadfully homesick.

March 28 - March 29
Major League Baseball's regular season kicks off as the M's play the A's in the Tokyo Dome. The two games will begin at 7:05pm local time, or 3:05am Pacific time, which is the time right in between being up too late and being up too early. It would be wise to start considering now whether or not you will attempt to sleep. I have not yet decided.

March 30
Travel day back to stupid America. Mariners players will tell all their friends and relatives about how the trip changed them and opened their eyes, and they will make plans to introduce elements of Japanese culture into their day-to-day living.

March 31 - April 4
Awkwardly continued hot sexy intersquad Cactus League baseball action for some reason!