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Mariners Install Hot Sexy New Grass

In this post I attempt to make something out of nothing! I am so desperate!

A story you might have seen making the rounds these last few days is that the Seattle Mariners' grounds crew is in the process of replacing Safeco Field's infield turf. I say "might have" instead of "have" because this story is really boring and easy to ignore. On the other hand, it should tell you something about how little I care about Arizona Fall League performance that I've chosen to take this time to talk about grass instead.

It's the first time Bob Christofferson and his fellow groundskeepers have replaced the turf since Safeco opened in 1999. Why now?

Zduriencik: We've only won 74 games on our own turf these last two years.
Zduriencik: We need to do something to turn this around. Any ideas?
/clicks pen
Christofferson: I have one.
Get new turf?
Zduriencik: Why are you even here?

The easy joke is that the Mariners are investing more green in their infield. Actually that isn't the easy joke, that is a hard and terrible joke. I apologize for even trying to develop that joke and will punish myself by continuing to write about grass.

As far as I can tell, the new grass is...botanically?...identical to the old grass. At the very least, it comes from the same supplier, and if it's different, it isn't different in any meaningful way. It's not like it's going to start sucking up grounders or enveloping infielders feet-first. It's grass, not quicksand.

I just realized how disrespectful it was to call this story boring. I mean, it is boring, it's really boring, but this is one of the biggest parts of Christofferson's job. The Safeco Field turf is his baby, and this is some major maintenance going on. It's not boring to him, so if it's boring to me, it's because I'm being too closed-minded. Right? I feel like that's what Bob Christofferson would say, if Bob Christofferson had the personality I just made up for him.

Anyhoo, in closing, I'd like to point out how the article linked above seems to bury the lead. Towards the bottom:

Christofferson says the new infield is now perfectly flat, while a laser measurement from the deepest point in center field to home plate shows a gradual rise of an inch and a half over that 405-foot distance. And, yes, that is why the outfield eventually will be redone as well [...] "That's not bad after 12 years," Christofferson said. "You're sanding and aerifying all the time and adding material. Over time eventually it will raise up a little bit."

During the 2012 season, the Mariners will play their home games on a hill. There's not enough room in this division for two slanty gimmicks, Houston Astros.