Alternate title: Holy Shit Guys You Better Do Better
| C | Bard | B-C | Johnson | SP | Lee | RP | Aardsma |
| 1B | Kotchman | B-OF | Langerhans | SP | Felix | RP | League |
| 2B | Figgins | B-IF | Hannahan | SP | Vargas | RP | Kelley |
| SS | Wilson | B-Bat | Sweeney | SP | Fister | RP | Texeira |
| 3B | Lopez | Figurehead | Griffey | SP | RRS | RP | Lowe |
| LF | Saunders | RP | Snell | ||||
| CF | Gutierrez | ||||||
| RF | Ichiro | ||||||
| DH | Bradley |
Nothing groundbreaking or even particularly original in here. This is just to answer the question of what I'd do if I were in charge of the team and had to operate within the constraints of reality. Jack Hannahan brings his uninspiring AAA performance up as the infield reserve, Josh Bard starts getting more playing time, and the bullpen shifts back to six men, saying farewell to two nobodies in the process.
That's really it. And then I come to some understanding with Griffey whereby he goes on the DL and I fill his spot with a righty who can play a lot of positions. I know Dave likes Ryan Raburn, who fits the mold. Ryan Doumit does, too. And others. I don't make a move for anybody sexy, because this club isn't in position to trade for anybody sexy, because anybody sexy would cost to much for a team in our position to acquire. The Mariners are 14-23 and chasing three teams. Now isn't the time to make a big splash.
If Griffey's unwilling to do what's best for the team - that is, go away - then I either launch a PR crusade against the selfish son of a bitch, or I attempt to come to the same understanding with Sweeney. Sweeney still has some life in his bat, but we can find comparable or superior life in a guy who can play the field as well. And if Sweeney's unwilling, then I just cut him, because I'd rather deal with the backlash from cutting Sweeney than the backlash from cutting Ken Griffey Jr.
As for Erik Bedard, I'd deal with that when the time arrived, but I'd have my eye on Ian Snell as the next to go.
The bottom line? There are moves that could be made to maximize the current roster - easy moves, in-house moves - but all the maximizing in the world doesn't change the fact that, more than anything else, these guys need to start playing like we know they can play. Whether it be bad luck, bad performance, or a combination of the two, Kotchman, Figgins, Lopez, and Bradley need to start getting hits, and we need our catchers and shortstops to quit being total black holes.