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People You'll Get Sick Of If Their Team Wins It All

So quirky right now
So quirky right now

In no particular order:

C.J. Wilson

Wilson is every fan's dream - the accessible, quirky, humble professional athlete. You can find him all over and he has a well-established presence on Twitter. He even used to comment over at Lone Star Ball until he said too much one time and had to shut things down. These people are great until they become overexposed. Think Nick Swisher. Nick Swisher was fun with the A's. Nick Swisher was probably fun with the White Sox, although truth be told I barely remember him even playing there. Nick Swisher's just annoying now as a Yankee. Call him the league-leader in fun one more time and you'll be the league-leader in my foot in your balls. Wilson's already popular, but if the Rangers win the Series, Wilson's the kind of player everyone will want to talk about, and once everyone's talking about him, he gets on your nerves. Just shut up about C.J. flipping Wilson for five god damn minutes

I guarantee you he would show up on Letterman.

The rest of the Rangers

The Rangers will be fun to watch right up until the precise moment at which they win the World Series. Then they'll just be another division rival who's more successful than us, and it'll simply be a matter of time before we look at them like we look at the Angels. Note that this will have the opposite effect on our perception of the A's, who we would find increasingly cute.

Nolan Ryan

It's real easy to talk about how important it was to stretch out your pitchers when you start Cliff Lee twice a series.

Curtis Granderson

Granderson's a dynamic, exciting player to watch, and he was easy to love on the Tigers even though he was surrounded Tigers, as they're one of those teams that stays just relevant enough for you to remember that they're a team, but isn't interesting enough for you to give a shit and research. He's even a good, thoughtful writer, as he has the occasional guest column show up around the internet. But now he's a Yankee, and players lose their charm when they win on the Yankees. It would happen with Granderson, and it'll happen with Cliff Lee in 2011. Javier Vazquez, for what it's worth, would not lose his charm, as he will not appear in the playoffs. If the Yankees win, Vazquez will still be cool, and bad.

Brett Gardner

Gardner's cool because he's underrated. Underrated + ring = overrated. Watch as Gardner goes from little-known athletic outfielder to straw that stirs the Yankees' drink. Fuck you Brett Gardner and fuck you Darin Erstad.

Roy Halladay

You won't get sick of Halladay the way you'd get sick of Wilson or anybody else, but even Jesus had the courtesy to go away after a while and let people live on their own. Come on, Roy, give someone else a chance. You've been using the swingset for hours.

Wilson Valdez

Seriously? The position players from the 2005 Seattle Mariners to win World Series rings would be Raul Ibanez, Pat Borders, Scott Spiezio, Greg Dobbs, and Wilson Valdez? Ichiro got a plastic ring from a vending machine in a bowling alley one time and dropped it in a sewer.

Eugenio Velez

Velez isn't on the Giants' current roster, but there he is anyway, right in the middle of everything for some reason.


Celebrations are reserved for people who matter. God, shut up, you suck

Mike Fontenot

Fontenot plays the role of little while infielder who everyone falls all over themselves to recognize when he does something, anything, in the playoffs. He's already stepped in for Pablo Sandoval a few times and hit a big triple that nearly killed Jason Heyward, so maybe that'll be enough. But he'll probably make some play or hit some single in the Series that a number of media members will mark as a turning point. Oh, Fontenot's always ready, he just wants his name to be on the lineup card, but even when he's on the bench he's always prepared, and he studies the other team's pitcher, and he's always chatting his teammates up for tips and strategies, and nobody not nobody wants to win more than Mike Fontenot.

Tim Lincecum

I've grown to adore the little goblin and he's the true definition of pitching as art, but we don't need him to go mainstream. Tim Lincecum as successful stoner is only cool until every stoner has heard of Tim Lincecum.