Mr. Wilson, Mr. Snell,
Hi! Welcome to Seattle. My name is Jeff Sullivan, lead author of Mariners blog LookoutLanding.com. I think I speak for all of us fans when I say I'm excited to have you guys join the team. Bringing in a shortstop and an arm of your respective calibers greatly improves the roster both this year and beyond, and it is our hope that you are both able to be a part of the next Mariner team that makes it to the playoffs. I am confident that you will each prove to be valuable additions to the ballclub.
Now then, on to the main purpose of this letter. Upon learning that you had been traded, you may have thought you were going to a team with a calm, mild-mannered fanbase. You will shortly learn that this couldn't be further from the truth. Though there are swaths of people who only come out for the garlic fries and the hydro races (you'll see), a great number of us are impossibly critical and difficult to please. We are a group that takes pleasure in voicing its disapproval, and though many of your new teammates will plead ignorance on the matter, they've all heard the talk. While we do not represent the majority of Mariners fans, if we don't like you, you will hear about it.
That said, it is possible to get on our good side, and so for your benefit I shall include a handy rubric.
- Play shiny defense while hitting a little bit and we will like you
- Play shiny defense while not hitting at all and we will dislike you
- Get fat and lazy and do everything wrong and we will hate you
- Wear a little bowtie and we will like you
- Wear a little bowtie and a helicopter beanie and we will call you adorable
- Get back to pitching like you did a few years ago and we will like you
- Get back to pitching like you did a few years ago and remark that "John Lackey probably smells" and we will personally wash your car and take care of your landscaping
- Say that you aren't fond of Seattle and never want to play there and we will hate you
- Keep pitching like you were in Pittsburgh and we will dislike you
- Smile like once and we will love you
Heed those bullet points and everything should be peaches. Best of luck to you both, and here's to several years of amicable coexistence. Once again, welcome. We're thrilled to have you.
PS also please save our season