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The Worst Sportswriter Paragraph I've Ever Read

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This isn't in the same vein as Worst. Episode. Ever. This isn't hyperbole. I'm not trying to draw attention by exaggerating a point. This is, literally, the worst sportswriter paragraph I've ever read. The worst. There have been bad paragraphs, and there have been terrible paragraphs, and there have been paragraphs that pushed other paragraphs off the monkey bars at recess and spit in their milk, but there has never been a worse paragraph than this. Not by a professional sportswriter. Not ever.

On Manny Ramirez in the playoffs:

With only four extra-base hits, he no longer has the bat speed to get around on a fastball. With just one walk and a measly on-base percentage of .300, he no longer has the patience to make the pitcher work.

If they ever end up making a surplus of strike zone robots, they should just give Bill Plaschke's job to one of the extras, because I'm pretty sure reading a randomized sequence of two different words would be a great deal more informative.