It is with grave concern that I bring the following matter to your attention:
The practice of raising bonsai outfielders in miniature glass containers is barbaric and senselessly cruel. We are calling on a good soul to free Jacoby from his keepers and feed him a ham sandwich. Please - please, if there is any human compassion in your heart - take action and rescue this young man while he still has the physical capacity to develop into a normal adult. As a society we cannot in good conscience allow the same unfortunate fate to befall him as we did Brandon Fahey. Such negligence would forever go unforgiven.