Diary Of A Man Who Refuses To Date Girls Who Either Like Or Associate With People Who Like The Movie 'White Chicks'

Friday 7/18

I picked Amber up at 7:30 and we drove downtown to check out this new Thai place that's been getting rave reviews. I was a little nervous because I didn't really like the shirt I picked out and she looked stunning, but she was pretty outgoing right from the start, which made me more comfortable. We got there in time for my reservation and they had valet parking, which was nice. I'd never used a valet before. We went inside and were seated almost immediately. After ordering some wine, we made friendly conversation. I asked her about her favorite movies and she said she likes stupid comedies, which piqued my curiosity, so I pressed the issue by asking if she meant things like Waiting. She responded "no, I mean like White Chicks, and stuff like that." At once I felt that same churning in my stomach that I always feel. I excused myself to the restroom and darted outside to retrieve my car and go home. I'm going to ask my brother if he likes this shirt. I don't really like this shirt.

Saturday 7/19

Went down to the coffeeshop around 1 for a little afternoon pick-me-up. The girl behind the counter was kind of fat. She chose to accentuate this feature by wearing incredibly tight pants. I don't know why she didn't just buy bigger pants. They don't charge more for the extra fabric. I sat down on the patio at a table next to this cute little brunette, who was there with her dog. We made eyes for a few minutes and eventually got to talking. I asked her about her favorite movies. She said she likes things like Requiem, stuff that really tugs at her heartstrings. I thought that was kind of cool. We were probably talking for about 45 minutes. Later on she got a phone call and said it was one of her girlfriends. I sat there listening intently and asked her to ask her friend about her favorite movies. She raised her index finger but I don't think she heard me the first time so I asked again. This time she rolled her eyes and turned away from me. I think the noise from the street must have been too loud. A few minutes later she hung up and turned back. I asked her about her friend's favorite movies. She said her friend is really into the Wayans brothers. I asked if she meant things like White Chicks. She said yeah that sounds familiar. My right arm shivered and I knew it was time to leave. I took her cup of coffee and threw it away because she hadn't touched it in a little while and she was probably done.

Sunday 7/20

Dear Marlon Wayans,

I was flipping through channels this afternoon looking for an easy way to pass the time when I came across a military-looking movie on TBS. I thought it might be worth a look, so I stuck around, ready to be entertained. The entertainment never came, and at the end I was out an hour and a half that I could've used to, I dunno, rake the leaves or perform surgery on my own elbow with pliers and a bottle opener. Major Payne is easily right up there with White Chicks as one of the two worst movies I've ever seen in my life. And guess what they have in common! Your unfunny stupid ass. After that display I can't believe someone watched you and thought "that's the guy I want to lead my next vehicle." I didn't laugh once. Not a single time. I got a little excited when that big dude showed up and looked like he was gonna whup your smarmy dumb face to little bits, but it never happened, so I was left feeling even more disappointed than I already would've been having spent a significant portion of my Sunday watching Major Payne. You are the worst actor in Hollywood. A pox on you, a pox on your family, and a pox on whatever illegitimate children you probably have running around all over the country since God knows it probably isn't very hard to trick the kinds of women who like your movies into sleeping with you. Your death will bring me considerable delight.

Monday 7/21

That was Damon Wayans.

Tuesday 7/22

If you were in the wild, and you encountered a velociraptor, and the velociraptor speaks English, would you be more or less inclined to try to kill it?

Wednesday 7/23

I invited Stacy from work over for dinner and a movie. I asked what she wanted to watch, and she didn't know, so I asked if she wanted to watch White Chicks, and she said she'd never heard of it, but that she's open to anything, so sure. I put it in my DVD player and we sat back on the couch. About halfway through I looked at her and held her hand. When the movie was over she laughed and said she really liked it. I let go of her hand and said she should probably leave. She looked at me puzzledly and asked for my phone number, so I gave her Circuit City's. I pretended that there was a fire in the kitchen to make her leave faster. Some guests know how to overstay a welcome.

Thursday 7/24

I went down to the coffeeshop during lunch to get a kick and a little fresh air. I was standing in line behind this athletic-looking redhead. When she turned to glance at the door I caught her attention and we started chatting. Her name was Aubrey. When we both got our coffees I asked if she wanted to sit with me on the patio, but she said she had to run to work, so I asked for her phone number and she gave it to me and told me to call before the weekend. Before she left I asked if she likes the movie White Chicks. She made a face and said "ew, no." I think she's lying.