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First Half In Review: Mariners Get Animated

The Mariner players' first half performances as Simpsons bit characters.


Kenji Johjima: Snowball III
Died in a hurry.

Richie Sexson: Stampy
Appealing on the surface, Stampy soon became more trouble than he was worth, and when the cost of keeping him content became prohibitively high, he was sent out to pasture. Also, giant.

Jose Lopez: Smithers
It took Smithers a little while to find his voice, but before too long he settled in pretty nicely. However, he's incapable of carrying an episode by himself, and much of his appeal comes at his own expense.

Yuniesky Betancourt: Kent Brockman
Refuses to do anything until he has his danish.

Adrian Beltre: Lugash
Easily one of the most criminally underrated characters in the history of the show.

Raul Ibanez: Disco Stu
A consistent character who's good for some easy entertainment, it's only when you really think about it that you realize how little he contributes. Generally shines brightest in weaker episodes. Highly conspicuous despite a policy against self-advertising.

Ichiro: Little Yakuza guy standing still in the white suit
Capable of unthinkable ass-kicking. You can tell this guy's going to do something good just by looking at him.

Brad Wilkerson: Poochie
Aggressively advertised and brought in to shake things up, Poochie tried too hard and bombed on every front before mercilessly returning to his home planet, rarely to be seen again.

Jose Vidro: Lyle Lanley
Smooth-talking businessman with surface appeal who cons the city out of millions of dollars in building a shitty, broken-down monorail. Never would've been a problem had Springfield learned a lesson from North Haverbrook before.

Willie Ballgame: Jasper Johns
Habitual thief.

Miguel Cairo: Gil Gunderson
An unsuccessful attempted jack-of-all-trades, Gil's pathetic futility is endearing, because no matter how hard he tries, he can never do anything right. Started to get a little too much airtime.

Jeff Clement: Üter Zörker
An underdeveloped character, Üter has obvious potential to be an excellent source of entertainment, but for a number of reasons to this day he still hasn't broken through. It is unknown whether or not Clement has bosoms.

Wladimir Balentien: Captain Horatio McCallister
The sea captain is easy to love, but he seems lost in the big city and every single one of his business ventures turns into a failure. Two glass eyes leave him unable to recognize much of anything.

Jeremy Reed: Ray Patterson
Quiet and unassuming, Patterson is pretty good at what he does, but should anything go wrong, he's always in danger of being replaced by someone more flashy and ebullient.

Jamie Burke: Crazy Cat Lady
Went over great the first time, but started to get old pretty quick. Required a later plot twist to keep things fresh.

Greg Norton: Gulliver Dark
Kind of sleazy-looking older guy who made a big show at the beginning, never to be seen again.

Mike Morse: The Yes Guy
For the life of me I can't figure out why this guy keeps coming back. He's annoying and painfully unfunny.

Tuglett: Ms. Albright
I'll just let you guys figure this one out.

Charlton Jimerson: Roy

Roy: Good news, everybody. I'm moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies.
Marge: Oh, then I guess this is goodbye, Roy. Maybe we'll see you in a few years.

Felix: Bumblebee Man
Despite having demonstrated many different abilities at one point or another, Bumblebee Man continues to rely on his trademark over-the-top slapstick to pay the bills. And it works, as he's been able to sustain his celebrity on Channel Ocho for as long as the show's been running.

Erik Bedard: Gabbo
Heavily promoted and wildly popular at first, Gabbo was later canceled when it was revealed that he's kind of a dick.

Carlos Silva: Helen Lovejoy
One-trick pony with all of the traits that you hate in a person and none of the traits that you like. Always has to have something to say. Over-inflated sense of self-worth.

Jarrod Washburn: Lindsey Naegle
Extroverted and annoying, you know she only has a limited number of appearances, but even so it feels like she shows up in every episode. While there's evidence that she's smart, she demonstrates a very narrow range of talents. Admitted sexual predator.

Miguel Batista: Rex Banner
Sole purpose seemed to be to prevent anybody from having fun.

Brandon Morrow: Leopold
Pure terror.

Sean Green: Lou the cop
Understated and intelligent, Lou's the competent officer in a department full of retards. Rarely has a bad scene, although easily forgettable.

RRS: LT Smash
Although the character himself is rather hit-or-miss, one magnificently superliminal moment was enough to earn him all kinds of leeway.

Mark Lowe: Duffman
Duffman made a grand entrance, and he's always a bit of a spectacle, but over time his brazen flamboyance has come to miss the target more and more often. With a touch more self-control, he could get back to being an excellent secondary character.

JJ Putz: Hank Scorpio
Successful, friendly, and outgoing, you wouldn't know from meeting Scorpio that he's capable of such utter badassery and carnage. The show hasn't been the same since the end of his episode.

Arthur Rhodes: Talking dog from the Space Coyote episode
You don't expect a dog that doesn't even get ten seconds of airtime to make much of an impact, but to this day I still cherish its one line of dialogue. True quality from an unlikely source.

RA Dickey: Hans Moleman
Moleman wasn't supposed to last very long, but over time he came to endear himself to the producers and found himself succeeding in a bigger role. Polite, quiet, and freakish in appearance, much of the humor comes out of watching him escape dangerous situations relatively unscathed.

Eric O'Flaherty: Whitey Ford
Whitey's entire appearance consisted of him getting whacked and buried by pretzels.

Roy Corcoran: Boobarella
Even when the show sucked, The Simpsons could still recycle somebody else's character and make it somewhat funny.

Cesar Jimenez: Johnny Tightlips
I don't think enough people understand how awesome this guy was for his like two lines.

Cha Baek: Jay Sherman
While Sherman was effective when given the chance, he was far better off with a bigger role on his own awesome show that nobody watched.