Cue Jon Heyman:
But now, with the team buried 19.5 games out in the AL West, the Mariners are finally looking to shake up the roster. As interim GM Lee Pelekoudas, a 29-year veteran of the organization, put it to SI.com, "Everyone's interim."
Technically, that would even include the organization's crown jewel, Ichiro. While three GMs who would have interest in him have not been told he's available, one acknowledged that he's "Mr. Mariner," a status that makes him almost as difficult to deal as his limited no-trade clause.
GM: Hey, Lee?
Pelekoudas: What's going on?
GM: Hey, I'd like to talk to you about Ichiro.
Pelekoudas: What about him?
GM: So is he out there on the market or what?
Pelekoudas: :clears throat:
Pelekoudas: When the noble beast had stayed a long time at the King's court, he thought, "What good does all this do me, I shall still have to go home again," let his head hang sadly, and went to the King and asked for his dismissal.
Pelekoudas: But the King had grown fond of him, and said, "Little ass, what ails thee? Thou lookest as sour as a jug of vinegar; I will give thee what thou wantest. Dost thou want gold?"
Pelekoudas: "No," said the donkey, and shook his head.
Pelekoudas: "Dost thou want jewels and rich dress?"
GM: The hell is this? Who am I talking to?
GM: If this is a joke I swear to God I'm going to be royally ticked off.
Pelekoudas: "Dost thou wish for half my kingdom?"
GM: Lee, listen, hear me out.
Pelekoudas: "Indeed, no."
GM: I'm a busy man, Lee, I don't have time for this.
Pelekoudas: Then said the King, "If I did but know what would make thee content-"
GM: GOD DAMMIT DUDE I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT AN ICHIRO TRADE
Pelekoudas: That's what we've been doing.
GM: ...so he's available then?
Pelekoudas: No stupid
I understand the whole "everybody has a price" line of thinking, but it takes some major gall to phone up the Mariners and ask them about their biggest draw and eight-year icon. How many teams do you think ever approached the Padres about Tony Gwynn? Have some respect, use your common sense, and stop using valuable Mariner front office phone time that could otherwise be spent firing Richie Sexson.
Fun bonus: keep reading the original article to see Jon Heyman come off like a complete tool.