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John McLaren and the Mariners gather around the table for a family dinner

McLaren: So how was school today, everyone?
Jones: I
Batista: On the playground these twin brothers called me a nerd and beat me up.
Guillen: i saw that hahahahhahaha
McLaren: Oh that's not nice at all. Take away the glasses and poetry and you're just like anyone else.
Broussard: This
Ballgame: I got picked last for the kickball team again
Ballgame: I don't get why this keeps happening
McLaren: Oh well I'm sure it's their mistake.
McLaren: If you combined your knowledge of the game with Adrian's talent, you'd be the first choice every time!
Ballgame: :lip quivers:
Ballgame: :weeps:
McLaren: No no, I'm just - I'm just saying, Adrian's really talented. But your head's always in the game! You're so much more aware!
Beltre: :weeps:
Rowland-Smith: I won first pr-
Lopez: i had a project due last period
Lopez: and it was to build a toothpick bridge
Lopez: and i studied a long time to build it good
Lopez: and i was working on it alllll day
Lopez: and it was really great and all the people said so
Lopez: and at lunch i dropped it and it broked
Lopez: and i got a F
Lopez: and i saw a lizard
McLaren: What kind of lizard was it?
Lopez: the kind that flaps its wings and goes caw caw
McLaren: Have you started talking about animals yet in school?
Lopez: this one time i saw a bunch of lizards flying in a v over trees
Parrish: This one kinda little guy got really mean at me for no reason and pushed me and took my lunch money
Parrish: I don't even know who he was, geez I just moved here
McLaren: I'm sure he mistook you for someone else. Why wouldn't anyone like you?
Parrish: That's what I tried telling him!
Richie Sexson walks in the front door and throws his backpack to the ground in a huff
McLaren: Hey there champ, how'd the lesson go?
Sexson: I totaled the driver's ed car.
Sexson: It's cool I'm all right
Sexson: Plus they like can't fail you, you get to keep trying until you pass
McLaren: Well that's swell, pass that test and you just might get a surprise in the garage on your birthday!
Broussard: But
McLaren: Eat your gruel.
McLaren: You've been quiet tonight, Ichiro. How was your day at school?
Ichiro: i saw some new kid so I shoved him into the lockers and took his lunch money
Ichiro: two ice creams today bitches

Biggest Contribution: Ichiro, +3.1%
Biggest Suckfest: Miguel Batista, -40.4%
Most Important At Bat: Beltre DP, -7.1%
Most Important Pitch: Cuddyer grand slam, -20.8%
Total Contribution by Pitcher(s): -39.6%
Total Contribution by Position Players: -10.4%
Total Contribution by Opposition: 0.0%

(What is this chart?)

To Texas tomorrow. The fact that they'll have played about 20 total hours of baseball today has to work in our favor somehow.