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Community Projection: JJ Putz

The sixteenth in a non-alphabetical and irregularly updated series of review pieces for each of the players we predicted last winter. (All entries are linked in the left-hand sidebar, below the Rotoworld stuff and the interviews.)

LL/USSM Community: 77 IP, 2.68 RA, 2.22 FIP (n=69)
Actual Line: 71.2 IP, 1.38 RA, 2.63 FIP

Closest Projection: Saluboy, 1.69 RA, 2.14 FIP

JJ Putz is why I laugh to myself whenever I hear about another team going out and spending a lot of money on an established veteran reliever.

JJ Putz is why, for the rest of my life, I'll always be willing to give another chance to people like RA Dickey who try to turn their careers around by learning a new pitch.

JJ Putz is why Thunderstruck is my go-to song to celebrate any big win in any sport, and why I always blast it whenever it comes on the radio.

JJ Putz is why Brian Roberts can't sleep at night in fear of belated revenge.

JJ Putz is why the Mariners were able to win so many more games than they should've in 2007.

JJ Putz is why Francisco Rodriguez isn't the best closer in the AL West.

JJ Putz is why Kenji Johjima knows how to give fist love instead of high-fives.

JJ Putz is why we have memories like the Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, and Manny Ramirez game-ending strikeouts.

JJ Putz is why Jamie Burke had a giant bruise in the middle of his chest.

JJ Putz is why the high fastball is still totally awesome, despite Jarrod Washburn's countless attempts to ruin its appeal.

JJ Putz is why you don't have to have a traditional closer's mentality to succeed in the role as long as you throw hard and are batshit insane.

JJ Putz is why Michigan will forever be better than Ohio State, no matter what Corco says when he spams this comment thread.

JJ Putz is why I'm familiar with the term cockpunch, which I ironically never have to use following situations involving JJ Putz.

JJ Putz is why having an orange landing strip on your chin doesn't necessarily look fucking retarded.

JJ Putz is why a whole new generation of Mariner fans is learning that it's never okay to leave a game until it's over.

JJ Putz is why the team should probably try to set up some kind of shaving cream insurance in case a rookie gets blinded.

JJ Putz is why not a single team in baseball can claim to be better in every facet of the game than the Mariners.

JJ Putz is why Brandon Morrow will get a shot at starting rather than getting Soriano'd in the bullpen.

JJ Putz is why other teams come to Seattle with something to fear.

JJ Putz is why I don't hate Eddie Guardado.

JJ Putz is why the term "putz" is less of an insult and more on the level of calling someone a "sexy genius".

JJ Putz is why Safeco ninth innings aren't so much emotional rollercoasters as they are five-minute standing ovations.

JJ Putz is why even a game started by Horacio Ramirez can have the most thrilling and rewarding conclusion.

JJ Putz is why David Ortiz will always be able to answer the question "so was there ever any guy you faced who you could just never hit?"

JJ Putz is why I have the super boss t-shirt that I'm wearing right now.

JJ Putz is why going by a two-initial first name is cool, unless you go by PJ, which isn't, and never will be.

JJ Putz is why we know the Safeco roof and supporting girders are able to withstand the vibrations caused by rock music played at 900 decibels.

JJ Putz is why we have something I like to call the Aphonic Phenomenon, a period of time lasting just slightly longer than each JJ appearance during which a casual opposing team's fan with little knowledge of the Mariners goes from making fun of JJ's name to being rendered completely speechless.

JJ Putz is why, when people ask me who I find to be the most exciting player on the team, I never give them the answer they expect.

JJ Putz is why I have co-favorite Mariners.