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Loser's Guide To Navigating The Postseason

American League:

Why you should want them to win: The Indians, from top to bottom, are the most well-run organization in baseball, the picture-perfect model of how a team ought to rebuild. They tied for the best overall record despite having less than half the Red Sox' payroll. Fausto Carmona is the best pitcher that nobody ever ever ever talks about. Plus, Joe Borowski?

Why you should want them to lose: That God damn snow might've ruined our season. The drums are obnoxious. A Cleveland Series win thins the pool of teams who haven't won a title since the Mariners' inception, and it also serves to highlight just how inefficiently our front office operates.

Why you should want them to win: Thanks to their ugly start, the Yankees are way underrated, and because of that this is a great time to hop on the bandwagon. For all the shit he's taken over his entire career, Alex Rodriguez deserves a championship to throw in the faces of everyone who's ever called him "unclutch" or a "choker". This offense is hands-down unbelievable, and a little October Joba success would further prove the worthlessness of veteran experience. It's always great when Red Sox Nation has to shut the fuck up.

Why you should want them to lose: The same arguments as always. Huge payroll = buy championships = ruin the sport. A-Rod spite. The usual.

Why you should want them to win: They're still not as bad as the Yankees, and a title might compel Curt Schilling to retire on top. Jon Papelbon is awesome. Inevitable riot results in death and incapacitation of fans.

Why you should want them to lose: The last thing anyone needs is for the most insufferable fan base on the planet to have more to talk about. The Red Sox basically are the Yankees. 90% of the roster has zero redeeming qualities.

Why you should want them to win:

Why you should want them to lose: "World Series MVP Chone Figgins." The city of Anaheim is spoiled, and because of this the fans have developed a stunning level of arrogance. This team and its supporters need to be taken down a peg, and I can't think of another group of people more deserving of a little heartbreak, save for those assholes from Norway High.

National League:

Why you should want them to win: Easily the best story that baseball's had in years. This Rockies team feels almost identical to the '95 Mariners, and I think that alone is enough to make us want to hop on for the ride. No real "unlikeable" players.

Why you should want them to lose: Gimmicky ballparks are bad for the league. The Rockies also had the best run differential in the NL, which doesn't exactly make them real underdogs, but that isn't so much a good reason to root against them as it is filler, since I couldn't come up with anything else.

(I can't be bothered to upload the new logo. Shut up.)

Why you should want them to win: Nice big middle finger to the Pythagorean spirit that so thoroughly destroyed our season. Also a big middle finger to the belief that you need experienced veteran leadership come October. Bob Melvin is a better manager than we ever gave him credit for. Brandon Webb is like a more awesome version of Cleveland's Carmona.

Why you should want them to lose: Why should a bad run differential catch up with us and not the biggest offenders? Pathetic fan support. Still angry about Conor Jackson. Don't need people to start treating Eric Byrnes like some kind of superstar. Seeing a .500-caliber team win the Series crushes any illusions people might have about the playoffs proving who really is the best team in baseball.

Why you should want them to win: God's team.

Why you should want them to lose: God is a notorious drunk-dialer when He celebrates.

Why you should want them to win: Jamie Moyer. Jamie Moyer. A thousand times Jamie Moyer. Also would serve as proof that you don't need pitching, defense, and fundamentals to win in the playoffs as long as you can bludgeon your opponent to death.

Why you should want them to lose: Brett Myers. Brett Myers. A thousand times Brett Myers. And Greg Dobbs shouldn't win one World Series ring until Justin Leone has three.

Why you should want them to win: A lot of people still love Lou Piniella, and would like to see him win after having so much frustration in Seattle. Team hasn't won since 1908, making Red Sox Nation look like a bunch of impatient little sissies. Fan base should be rewarded for consistently filling up the ballpark, even when the team totally sucks.

Why you should want them to lose: The world does not need Alfonso Soriano and Carlos Zambrano to be rammed down its throat, nor does it need Chicago's fan base to become the new Boston. Championship robs countless man-to-man conversations of "I'm in a longer dry spell than the Cubs" punchline. Futility = hilarious. Fans should be encouraged to get jobs rather than sit around Wrigley drunk off their asses all day.