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Biggest Contribution: Ichiro, +38.2%
Biggest Suckfest: Eddie Guardado, -36.5%
Most Important Hit: Sexson homer, +29.3%
Most Important Pitch: Hawpe double, -36.2%
Total Contribution by Pitcher(s): +34.4%
Total Contribution by Hitters: -84.4%

(What is this?)

Wait, can we see that again?

Ah, just as I suspected.

I'm trying to figure out if I should even bother writing about this game. I have some notes jotted down on a piece of paper next to me but my hands are still shaking out of pure violent outrage, and my brain can't think straight for more than five seconds without reverting to a state of impetuous homicidal anger. I'm going to err on the side of caution for now and skip the recap in fear of saying something I'll regret later, but who knows, I might change my mind.

Felix and Jered God damn Weaver tomorrow night at seven o'God damn five (pacific God damn daylight time).