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Recapping The Winter Meetings

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Because these discussions never take place without a little liquid help.

Warning: coarse language to follow. I don't know how much yet, so just plan on the worst and go from there.

Setting: Orlando, FL, at a bar and lounge packed with MLB executives near the Walt Disney World Swan and Dolphin Resort.

Bill Bavasi and Mike Flanagan chat over sandwiches.

Bavasi: We're looking for a starter or two.
Flanagan: :chewing:
Bavasi: We've got first basemen to move.
Flanagan: :chewing:
Bavasi: Broussard, Sexson, they can both be had.
Flanagan: :chewing:
Bavasi: I was thinking, I dunno, Sexson for Bedard? How's that sound?
Flanagan: :chewing:
Bavasi: Just tell me when you're done.
Flanagan: :hurries chewing:
Flanagan: :swallows:
Flanagan: :smiles, rubs stomach:
Bavasi: So anyway, what about-
Flanagan: No.

Hours later, Bill Bavasi and Theo Epstein chat over tequila.

Bavasi: I dunno man, I just...I just dunno.
Epstein: What's not to like! Bats! Pitching! to like-...bats!
Bavasi: Haha!
Epstein: I'm so blitzed right now!
Bavasi: Haha yeah!
Epstein: Okay anyway anyway anyway
Bavasi: Yeah anyway
Epstein: :stifles laughter:
Bavasi: Shut up! Shut up let's do this!
Bowden: SPRING BREAK!
Epstein: Manny go
Bowden: WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Bavasi: You want arms, I have arms.
Epstein: You have two arms!
Bavasi: I have two arms! Haha!
Epstein: Dude Manny just wants to go and I just want to like
Epstein: to like
Epstein: to do that
Epstein: for him.
Bavasi: Yeah yeah totally
Bavasi: I'd be to glad have him
Epstein: And I'd be glad for you to be glad
Epstein: to have him
Bavasi: Okay okay, Manny for Raul Soriano
Bavasi: Soriano Ibanez
Bavasi: Kenji Ibanez
Bavasi: Kenji Putz
Bavasi: Fuck me what's his name
Epstein: Dude there's a J
Epstein: A J...Jackson
Epstein: Jigglesworth
Epstein: Jones! Jones!
Bavasi: Jones
Bavasi: Jones and J for Manny
Bavasi: I mean Jones and JJ
Bavasi: I mean John and AJ
Bavasi: fuck
Epstein: Holy shit dude holy shit!
Epstein: This is my song!
Bavasi: Haha!
Epstein: YOU NEVER CLOSE YOUR EYES ANYMORE
Epstein: IN YOUR FINGERTIPS
Epstein: THERE'S NOOOOOOOO TENDERNESS LIKE BEFORE
Bavasi: shit where's the can

That night, Bill Bavasi, Brian Sabean, and John Schuerholz chat over gin.

Schuerholz: It's totally gonna work
Schuerholz: Totally
Schuerholz: Just listen to me
Schuerholz: Hudson goes and Sexson goes and Benitez goes
Bavasi: Okay
Schuerholz: And Soriano goes and LaRoche goes and this other guy goes
Sabean: Yeah
Schuerholz: And this other guy goes
Bavasi: Right.
Schuerholz: That's all I've got.
Bavasi: Man that's out there
Bavasi: Freaky
Sabean: I bet you I can break this table with my forehead
Bavasi: I bet you can't!
Sabean: I bet I can!
Bowden: SPRING BREAK!
Schuerholz: I bet neither of you can!
Bowden: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Sabean: Fuck you check this out
Sabean: :smashes forehead against table:
Sabean: :breaks table in half:
Schuerholz: Holy shit
Bavasi: No way
Sabean: I fuckin told you!
Bavasi: That's nothing I'm gonna break two tables
Bavasi: watch
Bavasi: :stacks two tables:
Bavasi: Okay this is gonna be so awesome
Bavasi: :smashes forehead against tables:
Bavasi: :tables don't break:
Bavasi: :hunched over, motionless:
Sabean: What a pussy
Schuerholz: Get me a marker!
Schuerholz: Get me a marker!
Sabean: I have one right here man
Schuerholz: Oh kickass gimme that
Schuerholz: Check this out

Bill Bavasi wakes up the next morning.

Bavasi: oh shit
Bavasi: oh shit my head
Shapiro: For how much?
Bavasi: God. What?
Shapiro: How much are you looking for? Sizemore? Hafner? Sabathia? What is it?
Bavasi: the hell are you talking about
Shapiro: For Felix.
Bavasi: For Felix?
Shapiro: Yeah, what's his price?
Bavasi: Felix doesn't have a price, he's not available.
Bowden: SPRING BREAK!!
Shapiro: Then why is that written all over your face?
Bavasi: What written
Bavasi: oh fuck
Bavasi: :checks reflective window:
Bavasi: oh fuck
Bavasi: oh fuck you guys
Schuerholz: :high-five:
Sabean: :high-five:

After cleaning himself up and grabbing a quick snack, Bill Bavasi meets Ned Colletti at the bar to chat over whiskey. Colletti has had a head start.

Bavasi: Hey man, how's it going?
Colletti: FUCK YOU MAN
Colletti: FUCK YOU
Bavasi: Dude what's the deal?
Colletti: I'M JUST TRYING TO TALK TO YOU
Colletti: AND YOU KEEP GIVING ME ATTITUDE
Colletti: FUCK YOU
Bavasi: I just-
Colletti: FUCK
Bavasi: Brad Penny-
Colletti: YOU
Bavasi: I think you've had enough of that stuff for one day.
Colletti: LEAVE ME ALONE MOTHERFUCKER
Colletti: SHIT YOU'RE ALL LIKE 'I'M GOING TO GO JUDGE THAT FUCKER'
Colletti: WELL FUCK YOU
Colletti's Assistant: Ned, I think the Royals want to part ways with Angel Berroa.
Colletti: GET ME A PHONE
Colletti: FUCK

Much later that night, Bill Bavasi, Brian Cashman, Pat Gillick, and Wayne Krivsky are treated to Ciclon and Brain Erasers by Jim Bowden.

Krivsky:
Gillick:
Cashman:
Bavasi:
Bowden:
Gillick: :hand twitches:
Bavasi:
Krivsky:
Bartender: Come on guys, time to go. We're closing.
Cashman:
Gillick:
Bowden:
Bartender: I'm not dicking around. Get out of here.
Bavasi:
Krivsky:
Bartender: God.
Bowden:
Bouncer: :drags GM's out the door by their feet:

Bill Bavasi wakes up the next morning.

Bavasi: oh shit
Bavasi: oh shit my head
Daniels: Morning, Bill.
Bavasi: huh
Bavasi: oh hey jon
Daniels: How was your night?
Bavasi: shit
Bavasi: you should come out with us next time
Bavasi: you'd love it
Daniels: You know I'm not allowed into those places.
Bavasi: oh yeah
Bavasi: how much longer until the big 2-1
Daniels: Only 157 and a half days to go!
Bavasi: thats the spirit
Bowden: SPRING BREAK!
Bowden: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

After a long day of laying out by the pool, Bill Bavasi meets John Schuerholz at the bar to chat over beer.

Schuerholz: Long time no see!
Bavasi: Haha
Schuerholz: How's your forehead man?
Bavasi: Haha fuck you guy fuck you
Schuerholz: Okay so what's up my man
Bavasi: You hear about Schmidttie
Bavasi: Schmidtarino
Bavasi: Schmidtarooski
Schuerholz: Yeah man.
Schuerholz: Tough break.
Schuerholz: I thought he was yours!
Bavasi: Me too! Haha
Bavasi: It sucks, it's like
Bavasi: It's like all these pitchers are disappearing before I can even make a move!
Schuerholz: I know!
Schuerholz: It's a crazy market.
Bavasi: Crazy.
Schuerholz: You know I've got an arm or two.
Schuerholz: I can always help out a friend.
Bowden: SPRING BREAK!!
Bavasi: Oh yeah?
Bavasi: Man I'd really appreciate it
Schuerholz: I mean it's nothing much or anything
Bavasi: Who's that? I'm desperate
Bavasi: I need a slumpbuster haha
Schuerholz: Just Horacio. You know Horacio.
Bavasi: Oh yeah haha that dumbshit
Bavasi: What do you want, like Foppert or Fruto or something
Schuerholz: Yeah nothing much. Actually a guy like Fruto might work real well.
Bowden: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Waitress: Here are those spicy chicken fingers you ordered.
Schuerholz: Hey, thanks doll.
Waitress: Can I get you guys anything else?
Schuerholz: No, we're good for now. Thanks!
Bavasi: Haha
Schuerholz: What?
Bavasi: Haha
Schuerholz: Why are you laughing?
Bavasi: Nothing
Schuerholz: No seriously man what's up?
Bavasi: I was just thinking
Bavasi: Haha
Bavasi: That's a lot of chicken fingers
Schuerholz: Yeah I know it's a great deal
Bavasi: I wonder if you could eat them all at once
Schuerholz: I dunno man this is like five pounds of meat
Bavasi: Dude you gotta find out
Bavasi: Dude you gotta find out!
Schuerholz: I've barely even eaten anything today, I just wanted to enjoy these with my beer.
Bavasi: C'mon dude you gotta try!
Schuerholz: Haha no way man
Bavasi: I'll totally pay you if you do
Schuerholz: Oh I'm not falling for THAT one again you little welcher!
Bavasi: Haha fuck you man
Bavasi: Stuff all those chicken fingers in your mouth
Bavasi: And I'll trade you for Horacio
Schuerholz: I don't even care
Bavasi: I'll trade you Soriano
Schuerholz: You serious?
Bavasi: Haha only if you put them all in your mouth!
Bavasi: At once
Bavasi: And you have to chew and swallow it all without puking
Schuerholz: So if I take all this chicken and eat it all at once
Schuerholz: You'll give me Soriano for Horacio
Bavasi: But only if you finish it all!
Bavasi: Without puking
Schuerholz: Okay I'm gonna try I'm gonna try
Bavasi: Dude hold up hold up
Bavasi: We need a judge
Bavasi: An ump haha
Schuerholz: Good call
Bavasi: Hey Kevin get over here
Towers: what up
Bavasi: Hey we need you to judge something
Bavasi: John's gonna try to eat all this chicken at once
Bavasi: But he has to finish it all
Bavasi: Or else the deal's off
Bavasi: Without puking
Towers: hey john
Schuerholz: Hey
Towers: ok
Bavasi: Okay ready?
Schuerholz: Fuck you for doing this to me man
Bavasi: Haha
Bavasi: Okay
Schuerholz: Okay
Bavasi: Okay go! Go go go go!
Schuerholz: :stuffs chicken in his mouth:
Schuerholz: :strategically places strips in cheek, under tongue:
Schuerholz: :forces more chicken into mouth:
Bavasi: Haha no way no way
Schuerholz: :puts every chicken finger in mouth:
Schuerholz: :chews, struggles:
Schuerholz: :chews:
Schuerholz: :finishes:
Schuerholz: :opens mouth:
Towers: empty
Bavasi: AHAHAHAH NO WAY HE DID IT! NO WAY NO FUCKIN WAY
Bavasi: CLASSIC THAT'S CLASSIC
Schuerholz: Holy shit I'm gonna be sick
Bavasi: CLASSIC
Schuerholz: A deal's a deal man, Horacio's all yours!
Bavasi: OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT
Schuerholz: Verbal contract man, that trade's a done deal. No going back on it now!
Bavasi: WHATEVER DUDE YOU FUCKIN EARNED IT
Bavasi: CLASSIC!
Beane: Hey Bill, can I buy you a drink?