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Things I'd Like To See Happen Before Opening Day

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Jarrod Washburn uncovers erstwhile Venezuelan heritage, allowing for the bulk of his salary to come out of the Mariners' mysterious foreign player fund.

Willie Bloomquist says a curse word.

Dave Niehaus and Keith Jackson discuss the Kansas City Royals' revamped 2006 infield.

"Crazy lefty" stereotype gets taken to a new level by Matt Thornton, who's given three years of hard time for holding up and robbing a Seattle-area Safeway.

Dick Wolf's Law & Order: Milton Bradley's House in early stages of production.

The Blue Jays sign Roger Clemens and select Miguel Cabrera in Florida's dispersal draft, while the Red Sox end up with Doug Glanville in center field and the Yankees' clubhouse intestinal parasite spreads like wildfire.

White Sox follow up last year's Don't Stop Believin' team anthem with Paula Cole's I Don't Want To Wait.

Jay Feely sends the Seahawks to Super Bowl XL, where they go on to stun the Colts behind Shaun Alexander's four rushing touchdowns, 117 receiving yards, two field goals, and three interceptions.

Francisco Rodriguez watches tape of himself pitching, declares "man, I look silly," and instantly retires from baseball.

Mike Hargrove wakes up, is alert.

The Oakland A's switch sports in hopes of being able to draft Reggie Bush.

Several scouts see Kenji Johjima in Spring Training and go on record stating that he won't be able to make the transition because Major League pitchers will knock the bat out of his hands with inside fastballs.

Chris Snelling stops trying to make highlight reels by intentionally running into things.

People finally stop putting stock in all the fluff quotes they read in the middle of March.

Adrian Beltre admits that he faked his way through 2005 because he got worn out from rounding the bases all the time the year before. Also, he starts hitting left-handed somehow.

I'm not reduced to having to write about a position battle between Benji Gil, Ramontiago, and Ricky Gutierrez.