Most Boring Mariner Teams Of All Time

Like many students during finals week in the middle of December, I found myself thinking about the Mariners this afternoon, and how absolutely terrible they've been these last few years. But then rationalization kicked in, and I thought to myself, "at least I wasn't watching this team in the 80's, right?"

Ever one to distract myself with statistics when I should really be doing something more productive, I decided to play around with some numbers to find out which has been the most boring Mariner team of all time. Am I really better off for having missed the 80's, or have these last two years really been about as bad as it can get?

My remarkably simple equation takes into consideration the following elements:

• One-, two-, and three-run games. Pretty exciting!
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• Gap separating the team from the last playoff spot. Pennant race = exciting!
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• Triples. Really exciting!
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• Home runs. Home runs are exciting!
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• Stolen base attempts. Running is exciting!
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• Outfield assists. Who doesn't love a play at the plate (or second base)? They're exciting!
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• Double plays hit into. Bad. Totally unexciting.
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• Playoff eligibility and success. Winning in October is the most exciting thing of all!

I won't bother sharing the specific equation, since it would only make things more confusing, and besides, this doesn't even pretend to be a serious analysis, so it's not a big deal. Instead I'll just show you the results, sorted in order of least to most exciting (so this post could also be called Most Exciting Mariner Teams Of All Time, I guess, but I'm a glass half-empty kind of guy). So, here you go:

Apparently successful teams can be more boring than they're awful counterparts, as evidenced by the 2003 Mariners, who rank as the most boring full-season M's team of all time (1994 and 1981 were shortened seasons). The total average rating is 557, meaning that last year's team really was incredibly boring, although it could've been worse, which some people find reassuring.

I also took the liberty to do the same thing for the 2005 season, just for the hell of it:

No wonder the A's don't draw well. And hey, the Mariners were one of the more exciting crappy teams in baseball, which has to mean something, right?

So there you have it. Could it be made better? Absolutely. Does anyone have both the time and desire to make it happen? Not as far as I know. Besides, I kind of like it the way it is, because it gives us a little material to hold over the heads of those rascal Oakland fans. "Oh, you think your team is so special? Well just look here, they're the most boring team in the league, even worse than the Royals. Take that, dirtbag!" And then he sobs, and you do a little dance, because that wasn't an argument you expected to win.

And now back to your regularly-scheduled 24/7 Carl Everett surveillance.