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Seven Conversations

According to agent Steve Canter, seven teams contacted him about Horacio Ramirez after the left-hander was released by the Mariners on Thursday.

----------

Star-divide

Canter: Hello?
Sabean: Hey, Steve? This is Brian.
Canter: Oh yeah, hey, what's up?
Sabean: Not much. Hey, you still represent, Horacio, right?
Canter: Yeah.
Sabean: You think he'd be interesting in joining the Giants?
Canter: I imagine so, yeah, absolutely.
Sabean: Great, great. Does he have any experience in retail coordination?
Canter: ...pardon?
Sabean: Joanne left, we have an opening.
Canter: I don't think you understand what my client does.
Sabean: I think I do.

----------

Canter: Hello?
Beinfest: Hey, Steve, it's Larry.
Canter: What's up?
Beinfest: Do you think your client would be open to a partnership between himself and the Marlins?
Canter: I think so, definitely.
Beinfest: Because we're not.
Canter:
Beinfest:

----------

Canter: Hello?
Wade: This is Ed. Wade. How are you?
Canter: Not too bad, it's good to talk to you.
Wade: Yeah, yeah. So listen, you represent Horacio Ramirez, right?
Canter: Yep.
Wade: Man.
Wade: I do not envy you.
Canter: ...okay
Wade: You must have the hardest job in the world.
Canter: Well, it's definitely not-
Wade: Maybe you should try selling something easier to move.
Wade: Like emetics.

----------

Inbox: You have (1) new messages

From: "Jim Bowden" <jbowden@washingtonnationals.com>
To: "Steve Canter"
Subject: work at home, make ca$h

Horacio Ramirez you can work from home, business opportunity, mlm, make money, make money online, online homebased business opportunity, home business opportunity, home based business opportunity, multi level marketing, make money on the internet, money tree, work at home opportunity, make money at home, mlm opportunity, internet business opportunity, make money fast online, business opportunity, make money from home, ways to make money, work at home business opportunity, make money easy, mlm company, make extra money, mlm business opportunity, make money on the web, make money quick, mlm business, make money now, make money on the net, make money on computer, make money, web site mlm marketing, mlm network marketing, internet home business opportunity, new business opportunity, homebased business opportunity, mlm home business, work from home business opportunity, best mlm home based business opportunity, business internet, money online opportunity, make more money networking, mlm internet, mlm, mlm program, multi level marketing company, ways to make money quick, make big money, best mlm online, make lots of money online, mlm business, best home business opportunity, ways to make money fast, idea to make money, work at home, make money, make money fast and easy, money mlm, multi level marketing opportunity, mlm home business, affiliate program, best mlm company, online marketing business, opportunity online, mlm online, internet business opportunity, multi level marketing network, top business opportunity, make some money, multi level marketing business, electric money tree, EMT, PGM, Private Gold Mine, Goldmine

----------

Canter: Hello?
Mozeliak: Hey there, Steve. This is John, from St. Louis.
Canter: What's up?
Mozeliak: Not too much. You're still representing Horacio Ramirez, right?
Canter: Yeah.
Mozeliak: Great, thanks.
Canter:
Canter: ...so are you interested?
Mozeliak: No, no, I've already got all I need. Thanks though.
Canter: You're not interested in Horacio at all?
Mozeliak: Heavens no.
Canter: Then why on earth did you call me?
Mozeliak: I'm taking a survey.
Mozeliak: You know, checking my list of who represents who.
Mozeliak: But hey, thanks for your help.

----------

Canter: Hello?
Flanagan: Steve, it's Mike.
Canter: Hey Mike, how are you doing?
Flanagan: Pretty good, pretty good. Always busy.
Canter: I hear that.
Flanagan: So listen, the Mariners dumped Horacio, right?
Canter: Yeah, he's out there on the open market right now.
Flanagan: Terrific. Would he be interested in signing with the Orioles?
Canter: No.
Flanagan: I
Flanagan: We'd be giving him a Major League contract. And we could just about guarantee him a spot in the rotation.
Canter: Did I stutter?

----------

Canter: Hello?
Epstein: Hey Steve, it's Theo.
Canter: Oh hey, hi! It's good to hear from you.
Epstein: So you're still representing Horacio Ramirez, right?
Canter: You bet.
Epstein: That's great. I watched the guy pitch pretty often last year, he had some interesting stuff.
Canter: Yeah, he's definitely a unique kind of pitcher. That's one of the things I try to emphasize.
Epstein: He's certainly intriguing.
Epstein: That's why I was wondering, do you think he'd be interested in pitching for New York?
Canter: Absolutely, he'd definitely be interested. Horacio's always wanted to pitch in a big market. He really thrives when he's in the spotlight.
Epstein: That's great, that's great. That's definitely the kind of move I want to make. Let me draw up some paperwork here real quick. Do you have a fax number so I can send it right over?
Canter: Oh yeah, yeah I do. Have a pen?
Epstein: Got one right here.
Canter: Okay. The number is (676) 555-1770.
Epstein: Awesome, thanks! Just give me two minutes.
Canter: No problem.
Canter:
Canter: Hey wait a minute

0 recs | Comment 36 comments

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Classic.
Great writing Jeff. I epecially liked the Orioles and the Red Sox/Yankees.
"Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?"

by Thingray on Mar 14, 2008 2:41 PM PDT   0 recs

Jeff, you've out-done yourself yet again
Sweet God, that was funny.

by Slozbury Stouvre on Mar 14, 2008 2:41 PM PDT   0 recs

This deserves an Albert.
And to think, I could have chosen to support the Yankees or Red Sox...

by EnglishMariner on Mar 14, 2008 2:54 PM PDT   0 recs

Screw Albert.
Let's nominate LL for a Webby!
Ill Ligitamus Non Carberendum

by PositivePaul on Mar 14, 2008 3:36 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I'll admit I did expect a
<expletive> Dave Samson in the Marlins section.

The comic crescendo at the end (Orioles, Epstein) is perfect.

by Llewdor on Mar 14, 2008 3:04 PM PDT   0 recs

A Poll? A POLL?
We don't need a stinking poll.  

Best. Seattle-themed. Blog. Ever.

Ill Ligitamus Non Carberendum

by PositivePaul on Mar 14, 2008 3:35 PM PDT   0 recs

TOO good...
Hmmm.  Jeff's really the dude behind those Nigerian e-mail scams.  

AND HE WOULD'VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF IT WERE'NT FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!

Ill Ligitamus Non Carberendum

by PositivePaul on Mar 14, 2008 5:42 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I had a pretty shitty day to cap a shitty week
I laughed at all of this.  You have no idea how much I needed that.

Nice work once again, Jeff Sullivan.

by Gomez on Mar 14, 2008 5:15 PM PDT   0 recs

It is definitely apparent
that you sir, are ready for opening day.

by seattlesundevil on Mar 14, 2008 5:24 PM PDT   0 recs

Hilarious. I especially liked the Orioles part.
These pretzels....are making me thirsty!

by Goose on Mar 14, 2008 5:59 PM PDT   0 recs

Can't even pick out a favorite
Thanks for the laugh, man. It's the perfect end to the HoRam era.

by OldFan on Mar 14, 2008 6:29 PM PDT   0 recs

I didn't like any of them.
Too close to the truth. Try to be more imaginative next time.

by Wilder83 on Mar 14, 2008 6:31 PM PDT   0 recs

HAH

by Mere Tantalisers on Mar 14, 2008 7:31 PM PDT   0 recs

I didn't get the last one.
So I looked it up, and that made it 10x funnier. This was great.
...and now I'm here

by Librocrat on Mar 14, 2008 7:39 PM PDT   0 recs

well done
"You know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."

by JI on Mar 14, 2008 11:09 PM PDT   0 recs

Hey, Jeff...
...wanna write some Mariners commercials?  The folks who are doing them these days aren't nearly as funny as you.

by Tom2000 on Mar 15, 2008 2:08 AM PDT   0 recs

Haha, I punched that phone number into
Google, and also came up with that post.

by redwolf75 on Mar 15, 2008 11:04 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

yep that's how I got it
funny thing is the kid lists himself as a christian, went to Bellevue Christian High and everything. I wonder where in the Bible it says 'thaou shalt take other people's work and pass it off as thy own'.

by Mere Tantalisers on Mar 15, 2008 11:42 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

hm
i think Leviticus, right after the prohibition on wearing a beard and before the part about how many concubines you can have.

by Mere Tantalisers on Mar 15, 2008 11:52 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

And:
37,367 posts since Sep 2004. Holy shit, talk about spending all your time on one internet site.

by redwolf75 on Mar 15, 2008 11:54 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Right around the spot
Where the bible takes the entire Tanakh and turns it into half of its own substance.
"People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring." ~Rogers Hornsby

by thejew4u on Mar 15, 2008 12:47 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

thief
Im actually a member on that site as well, I kinda called him out on it so Im curious as to if he will respond or not.

by CstSnow on Mar 15, 2008 2:16 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

that's...
why punknews.org is SOOOO much better

by kenshin1 on Mar 15, 2008 5:36 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Kudos, Jeff
This was outstanding... A great way to kick off my hungover day. Some of your best work.

Also, thanks to this I now know what the fuck emetics are... If that every pays off on Jeopardy or elsewhere, I'll be sure to cut you in.

"People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring." ~Rogers Hornsby

by thejew4u on Mar 15, 2008 12:49 PM PDT   0 recs

Your All Nuts
if you don't think the Sabean one is the best. Nothing is better then faintly-disguised references to office oral sex
Don't listen to their lies, Bill! Look at the sparkly ERA! Sparkly sparkly! - McCovey Chronicles

by Trenchtown2 on Mar 17, 2008 9:08 AM PDT   0 recs

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