Yankee Stadium, December 2006

Steinbrenner: So Brian, what's the word on the pitching front?
Cashman: We've got a new arm, and I think you'll be pleased.
Steinbrenner: Impress me.
Cashman: We had to go overseas for this one, and-
Steinbrenner: That gyro kid?
Cashman: -actually, it's funny that you-
Steinbrenner: Did we get the gyro kid?
Cashman: ...no, Boston did.
Steinbrenner: Who did?
Cashman: Boston.
Steinbrenner: Boston did what?
Cashman: Got Matsuzaka.
Steinbrenner: Who's Matsuzaka?
Cashman: The gyro kid. Anyway, he wasn't the only Japanese pitcher available, and-
Steinbrenner: He's the only Japanese pitcher I've fucking heard about.
Cashman: Well I don't think that's really-
Steinbrenner: You know why there are some players you hear about and some you don't?
Cashman: ...
Steinbrenner: Because some players are good and some players suck. I haven't heard of any other Japanese pitcher. Is that because he sucks?
Cashman: Well I certainly don't think he sucks. At least, I hope he doesn't, because he's ours for five years.
Steinbrenner: You're talking about the gyro kid, right?
Cashman: ...at least talk to him for a few minutes. He's right outside. I think you'll like him.
Igawa: :enters room:
Igawa: mrph
Steinbrenner: ...
Cashman: ...
Steinbrenner: ...what the fuck is that?
Cashman: That's Kei Igawa.
Steinbrenner: ...
Cashman: ...
Steinbrenner: He looks like a toad.
Cashman: Er.
Steinbrenner: Why does he look like a toad?
Cashman:
Steinbrenner: Have you forgotten what I said about toads?
Cashman: I don't see what his appearance has to do wi-
Steinbrenner: We've been through this before. No more fucking Japanese toads.
Cashman: At least give him a chance.
Steinbrenner: A chance to what? Hop the fuck back across the ocean?
Cashman: At least he can catch his own flies. Haha!
Steinbrenner: You're stupid.
Cashman: Hey, Kei, why don't you introduce yourself?
Igawa: mrph urple guuh
Steinbrenner: ...
Cashman: ...
Igawa:
Igawa: wzz
Steinbrenner: Can he talk?
Cashman: I think so.
Igawa: :drools:
Steinbrenner: What's wrong with his face?
Cashman: I think he's naturally disfigured.
Steinbrenner: You mean there's no story?
Cashman: No, I'm pretty sure he was born like that.
Steinbrenner: ...
Igawa: :shifts weight to other foot:
Igawa: :bats at fly:
Steinbrenner: Well I'll be damned.
Cashman: ...look, it hasn't exactly been a great offseason to need pitching.
Steinbrenner: I figured.
Cashman: So, uh.
Steinbrenner: Huh.
Cashman: What do we do with him?
Steinbrenner: Give him a glove, see what he's got. He can't be worse than Carl.
Pavano: :slips on driveway:

Biggest Contribution: Jose Lopez, +22.7%
Biggest Suckfest: Cha Baek, -33.6%
Most Important At Bat: Lopez homer, +20.1%
Most Important Pitch: Rodriguez double, -22.2%
Total Contribution by Pitcher(s): -49.8%
Total Contribution by Position Players: +99.8%
Total Contribution by Opposition: 0.0%

(What is this?)

I couldn't find the game on TV until it was 5-0 Yankees (thanks to YES for failing to let me know that they were moving the game to another channel to make room for the Nets), and then I had to go to a meeting when it was 6-3 and didn't return until it was 14-8. So, yeah, I don't have a recap tonight. I'll say this, though - with Weaver going tomorrow against a phenomenal lineup, and on the heels of yesterday's ugly loss, we needed this one something terrible. And also, the next time someone asks you why the Yankees are still struggling so bad, pantomime a pitching motion and turn around suddenly as if to watch a long fly ball, like the Eddie Guardado FSN ad that ran last summer. Any team that needs Mike Myers to throw four frames of relief is in pretty terrible shape.

Weaver, Wang, 12:55pm PDT. On national television! It doesn't get any more "wave the white flag and give in to self-deprecating drinking games" than this.