Your Guide To Being a Really Obnoxious Trash-Talking 2007 Mariners Fan
A few things to make fun of for every team in the league, should a nasty situation arise with a fan of somebody else and you don't want to think for yourself. Because sometimes being a total dick is the only satisfaction a fan of a crappy team gets to have.
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For Novices: Jeffrey Maier, Peter Angelos' iron fist, Beattie/Flanagan GM duo of terror
For Veterans: Brandon Fahey's manhood, fan demographic at Red Sox/Yankees games, irony of Frank Wren taking over the Orioles after Gillick took off
Avoid Mentioning: Mike Hargrove

For Novices: Inability to win the division, Yankee superiority, ridiculous accents
For Veterans: Manny Ramirez's defense, parasitic nature of fan base, godawful ballpark, pink hats, Joel Pineiro
Avoid Mentioning: Recent success, Heathcliff Slocumb, cancer

For Novices: Bobby Jenks devouring Mark Buehrle's talent, legally retarded manager
For Veterans: Tom Gamboa, Hawk Harrelson, top HR-hitting team in baseball preaching the importance of productive outs, Robin Ventura got his ass beat by Nolan Ryan
Avoid Mentioning: Recent success, Matt Thornton

For Novices: Jhonny Peralta's h, 1999 ALCS, 2005 pseudo-choke
For Veterans: Jose Mesa (be careful), curse of Rocky Colavito, Ten Cent Beer Night, whatever happened to Brandon Phillips, Drew Carey
Avoid Mentioning: Mike Hargrove, front offices, 14-2

For Novices: World Series outcome, Ivan Rodriguez's briefly-rumored homosexuality, Neifi Perez, 2003
For Veterans: Guitar Hero, Randy Smith trades for Juan Gonzalez, Dean Palmer contract
Avoid Mentioning: Recent success, Carlos Guillen

For Novices: Recent success, mascot that scares the crap out of little kids
For Veterans: Gil Meche, Appier/Damon/Dye deals, David Glass' eyebrows
Avoid Mentioning: Nothing

For Novices: Rally Monkey, anti-intellectual bandwagon fan base, ballpark environment best characterized as vaguely pedophilic
For Veterans: Laughable Darin Erstad extension, worship of productive outs, Jered Weaver's weight/appearance/talent, Mike Scioscia acting like a little bitch, 1995
Avoid Mentioning: Recent success, big words

For Novices: Kirby Puckett doesn't belong in the Hall of Fame, inability to win in the playoffs despite Santana
For Veterans: Torii Hunter's overratedness, Felix stayed healthy while Liriano didn't, Carl Pohlad is a giant douche, Puckett's personal life
Avoid Mentioning: Recent success, marginal wins

For Novices: World Series drought, Alex Rodriguez in the playoffs, Derek Jeter's defense, payroll, Chien-Ming Wang's name
For Veterans: Jaret Wright, David Ortiz and/or Dave Roberts, Ronan Tynan's ears, Jeff Karstens' jaw, parasitic fan base, Jay Buhner trade, The Double
Avoid Mentioning: Recent success, historical success, Arthur Rhodes

For Novices: godawful stadium in a godawful neighborhood, cheap owners, Eric Chavez's alleged "stardom", inability to win in the playoffs, Joe Blanton's circumference
For Veterans: Nick Swisher's porn staritude, crappy attendance, past incidents of bleacher racism, jackbag drummers in the outfield who need to shut up for one God damn second because Jesus quit it it's impossible to fucking concentrate
Avoid Mentioning: Recent success, trades, head-to-head season series results

For Novices: never won 71 games, only team to never see the postseason, Dennis Quaid
For Veterans: Rolando Arrojo holds three all-time franchise records, Rob Szasz's fifteen minutes, Doug Waechter, the McGriff/Canseco/Sorrento experience
Avoid Mentioning: Future success, 2-6-2 triple play last September

For Novices: Alex Rodriguez contract, Little League ballpark, Hank Blalock's stagnation, reprehensible "The Natural"/Fox Sports PA home run music, Tony Romo in Qwest Field
For Veterans: Nolan Ryan is overrated, Michael Young is overrated, Travis Hafner trade, similarity of Josh Lewin's psychological profile to that of a twelve year old girl
Avoid Mentioning: Recent success, replacement of inadequate manager and GM

N/A; there are no Blue Jays fans, only Blue Jays players

For Novices: The National League sucks
For Veterans: The National League sucks
Avoid Mentioning: Recent success
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So there you have it, a brief guide for how to act like a belligerent asshole should a fan of another team lure you into a heated discussion. Me, I'm just not going to tell anyone who I root for, but to each his own. Just never tell me you weren't prepared.
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haha
Love the Tony Romo one for the Rangers.
by MFAN on Feb 11, 2007 10:51 PM PST 0 recs
Funny stuff, but for the record...
And I'm wearing a pink Sox hat right now, so go @#$@ yourself*!
*this is a joke. some people from MA, contrary to popular belief, do have senses of humor.
by NHZ on Feb 11, 2007 11:04 PM PST 0 recs
I already said this once on this site
Well the guy next to me wasn't too annoying at first so I started talking to him about baseball and he seemed like he kept up pretty well on it and seemed pretty intelligent about it. Then I started talking to him about the Red Sox and one thing led to another and somehow he made a comment along the lines of "Manny is the best defensive LF this year."
At this moment in time I am fairly sure my intelligence plummeted and it became one of those "if it weren’t for my horse...(Lewis Black)" moments. Luckily he was still there and I asked him what the hell he meant by that. Apparently Fenway must skew his numbers horribly. He was using things like put outs and assists to judge is performance. I then decided I could show the light to this poor stupid soul and began arguing that Manny is slow, stupid, and lazy and that Fenway's LF is the reason for those numbers and not Manny.
I tried everything I could think of to convince this ignorant Red Sox (is that redundant) fan but he was not budging and I just figured it was too big of a challenge to educate the Red Sox fanbase and instead I would be more likely to succeed trying to cure cancer or find world peace.
by Edgar for Pres on
Feb 11, 2007 11:56 PM PST
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It's not Fenway
by Rollo Tomasi on
Feb 12, 2007 12:04 AM PST
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Obviously
The only thing I'd defend him on is that playing in front of the monster for years has helped him figured out how to play the caroms. That's it for the positives. It's a small thing, but it's better than having a guy who has the monster carom go over his head every...single...time (see Hideki Matsui).
by NHZ on
Feb 12, 2007 4:45 AM PST
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Manny Being Manny
Also, most defensive metrics hate on by blaming him for balls that, due to Fenway, were authentically uncatchable.
Those factors aside, he really does suck. Just not as bad as usually conceived.
by NBarnes on
Feb 12, 2007 2:19 PM PST
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...I would never have spent that year in college!
by chaney on
Feb 12, 2007 9:25 AM PST
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Poor Canada
by Mariner John on Feb 11, 2007 11:24 PM PST 0 recs
For a Mariners fan
by Rollo Tomasi on Feb 12, 2007 12:14 AM PST 0 recs
Heh
by Trev on
Feb 12, 2007 1:27 AM PST
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Hahahaha awesome.
by Goose on Feb 12, 2007 12:18 AM PST 0 recs
I'm guessing...
by TIF on Feb 12, 2007 1:12 AM PST 0 recs
Poll?
by Goose on
Feb 12, 2007 1:33 AM PST
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You'll have to forgive me
by TIF on
Feb 12, 2007 8:53 PM PST
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For Twins fans
by etowncoug on Feb 12, 2007 2:24 AM PST 0 recs
I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't think
I mean yeah the guy was damn good.He won a batting title, was a 10 time all star, lead the league in hits 4 times, and was a career .318 hitter.
But he only played 12 seasons. Only had a little over 2300 hits and a little over 200 bombs. He didn't walk much and was never a top defensive centerfielder.
A career .837 OPS does not scream hall of famer to me.
by Goose on
Feb 12, 2007 3:01 AM PST
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Maybe there is hope for Edgar then
by Scruffy Lefty on
Feb 12, 2007 8:51 AM PST
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"I can prove to you that rape is funny...
And if that didn't make you laugh, maybe this will.

by BrettJMiller on
Feb 12, 2007 3:52 AM PST
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That doesn't make it funny at all.
by Deanna on
Feb 12, 2007 7:47 PM PST
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I fully second that.
by Josh on
Feb 12, 2007 8:31 PM PST
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Sorry you two
by Edgar for Pres on
Feb 12, 2007 10:37 PM PST
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Yeah.
by Goose on
Feb 12, 2007 11:05 PM PST
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Carlin FTW
by mariners124m on
Feb 12, 2007 8:09 PM PST
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Didn't laugh
I suspect that a good percentage of the people making these jokes have not known anyone who has dealt with this kind of thing first-hand.
I'm usually for poking fun at odd things that make society squeamish, but there are a few areas I'd just never tread on and this is one of them. I don't even see how it could be justified.
by JY on
Feb 13, 2007 7:54 PM PST
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Hilarious
Also for Orioles fans-their seventh inning stretch song is "Thank God I'm a Country Boy."
by BaltimoreMarinersFan on Feb 12, 2007 7:04 AM PST 0 recs
They used to call it Skydome
by Gomez on
Feb 12, 2007 8:52 AM PST
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Being at a Jays game
The Red Sox were in town, and the park was literally 80% Sox fans. The only Jays fans were in the outfield cheap seats.
by Llewdor on
Feb 12, 2007 10:32 AM PST
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LOLOLOLOL
by Gomez on Feb 12, 2007 8:44 AM PST 0 recs
For the M's:
by Asfan on Feb 12, 2007 8:47 AM PST 0 recs
Oakland Drums
Positive: Good chance you'll get shot on your way to the stadium, preventing suffering.
by Manzanillos Cup on Feb 12, 2007 8:54 AM PST 0 recs
The real positive IMO
by Gomez on
Feb 12, 2007 9:04 AM PST
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You're not kidding.
by Manzanillos Cup on
Feb 12, 2007 9:26 AM PST
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The Giants stadium might be nicer than Safeco
by Edgar for Pres on
Feb 12, 2007 10:45 AM PST
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I didn't think the drums were bad at all.
I also actually thought McAfee was a pretty good place to see a game. Lots of good, cheap seats available, lots of interesting baseball to watch, and the people seemed pretty friendly in general, plus BART made it really convenient.
(Whereas my experiences in SBC/PacBell/WTF Park were mostly of "God, I hate Giants fans.")
by Deanna on
Feb 12, 2007 4:32 PM PST
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same for me
you can get some amazingly cheap seats, which is always cool if you got nothing else to do and wanna go catch a game.
And I can't forgot dollar hot dog wednesday!
by MFAN on
Feb 12, 2007 4:44 PM PST
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I also went on dollar dog day
by patsfan on
Feb 12, 2007 8:54 PM PST
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the Rainiers have dollar dog day
I was at a Phillies dollar dog day once too, though I think those are more random, like a few times per year they have them on anticipated slow days. Like, I think the one I was at was a Monday night against the Nats or something.
About halfway through the game, they claimed they were experiencing a shortage on hot dogs, and a dude from Hatfield Franks dressed up in a pig suit ran out on the field at full speed, being chased by a Philly Phanatic holding a set of BBQ tongs. It was pretty funny, although I thought it'd be funnier if the pig suit guy took off his costume head and turned out to be Matthew LeCroy in disguise.
by Deanna on
Feb 12, 2007 10:47 PM PST
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The Phillies always have dollar dog day
by Matthew on
Feb 13, 2007 7:51 AM PST
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The Coliseum's okay ..
by Paytheline on
Feb 12, 2007 10:56 PM PST
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Jeff is getting into "Game Shape"
by kva15 on Feb 12, 2007 9:08 AM PST 0 recs
What about the '95 collapse for the Angels?
by Scruffy Lefty on Feb 12, 2007 9:41 AM PST 0 recs
I'm surprised
by Graham on
Feb 12, 2007 10:33 AM PST
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What about Jay Buhner for the Yankees
by vj on Feb 12, 2007 9:58 AM PST 0 recs
Yep.
Steinbrenner: Well, Buhner was a good prospect, no question about it. But my baseball people loved Ken Phelps' bat. They kept saying "Ken Phelps, Ken Phelps."
hahaha..
by Egaas on
Feb 12, 2007 1:43 PM PST
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Hmmm.
Reason I say so -- there could almost be an updated sketch with Bavasi and Carlos Guillen in it. Especially with the insight on this we got from Bill at FanFest, and in LaRue's article in the TNT today, where Bavasi explains that a bit more.
It'd go something like this:
Frank-like Character: What the hell did you trade Guillen for? He was about to bust out with the bat, and become an MVP candidate!
Bavasi: Well, Guillen panned out with Detroit, for sure. But my baseball people said he was made out of glass, and was drunk all the time. They kept saying "Ramon Santiago, Ramon Santiago..."
by PositivePaul on
Feb 12, 2007 2:17 PM PST
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Or...
by PositivePaul on
Feb 12, 2007 2:19 PM PST
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I kinda think after last year's performance
by Edgar for Pres on Feb 12, 2007 10:47 AM PST 0 recs
Pavano
Under Veterans for the Red Soxs, you need to list reacquiring Mirabelli. That sorry chain of events was miserable.
by NBarnes on Feb 12, 2007 2:23 PM PST 0 recs
Really Obnoxious Trash-Talking 2007 Mariners Fan?
by hf832 on Feb 12, 2007 2:56 PM PST 0 recs
Hey it works!
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Orange County, Southern California, Southwestern United States, West Coast, America, North America, Planet Earth, Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy, Universe-A.
by TIF on
Feb 12, 2007 8:57 PM PST
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You can have crummy Universe A
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
by Rollo Tomasi on
Feb 12, 2007 11:02 PM PST
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Also, this is a great post
And for Detroit, them losing the division last year by getting swept by the Royals has to be worth something.
by Deanna on Feb 12, 2007 4:37 PM PST 0 recs
Things that aren't funny
More to the point of this post, I am struck by how many of the talking points include making fun of player's alleged homosexuality. I know these are supposed to be jokes, but slurs about people's sexuality aren't funny.
by PeterCampbell on Feb 12, 2007 6:37 PM PST 0 recs
When your 21 they are
by Scruffy Lefty on
Feb 12, 2007 7:41 PM PST
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Practically ANYTHING can be funny if done right.
That picture above, it's not the rape itself that's necessarily funny, but the look on the clowns face as he's getting PITA.
by Goose on
Feb 12, 2007 8:21 PM PST
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Trash-talkers are idiots.
by Jeff on
Feb 12, 2007 8:59 PM PST
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I can't believe that you have to say
by Robert on
Feb 13, 2007 12:09 AM PST
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I can't believe that you have to say that*
by Robert on
Feb 13, 2007 12:10 AM PST
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The hell?
There's one mention of it. One. Quite the overreaction we have going on here, no?
by Graham on
Feb 12, 2007 11:39 PM PST
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Making fun of Brandon Fahey does not
And comedy is defined by society. If everybody thinks something is funny then it is. Is it right? No. Life tends to be unfair like that.
Jeff's way more "noble" than most of us (aka me). I'm actually impressed with how "kid friendly" this site is. Usually sports + guys = foul humor. If you went to a game with me and my friends, your head may explode from all the "unfunny" comments we would make.
by Edgar for Pres on
Feb 13, 2007 12:42 AM PST
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Note:
by Mariner John on
Feb 13, 2007 7:38 PM PST
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Wow
by Edgar for Pres on
Feb 13, 2007 11:56 PM PST
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Yes it certianly has.
by Goose on
Feb 14, 2007 2:27 AM PST
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Okay, okay...
by AFRanger on Feb 12, 2007 7:47 PM PST 0 recs
I've gotta say . . .
For Novices: Manager John Gibbons being the #1 contender for the WBA heavyweight title, complete lack of competative baseball for over a decade, Roberto Alomar spitting incident.
For Veterans: Action seen in Skydome hotel windows > Action seen on field, total absence of hair on Gustavo Chacin's body, JP Ricciardi trading players because they claimed that "he looked like he was a pimp back in the day", Riccairdi's desire to create an all-white team of high-OBP players.
Avoid mentioning: Team's horrible idea of giving Miguel Batista a three year contract, the horrors of having Geoff Baker as a beat writer.
by abelard on Feb 12, 2007 8:54 PM PST 0 recs
Avoid mentioning:
For novices: Higher taxes, separation from rest of league(s) (although this could be worth avoiding too!).
For veterans: Exhibition Stadium.
by Josh on
Feb 12, 2007 9:55 PM PST
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Avoid mentioning:
[cries]
by Deanna on
Feb 12, 2007 10:42 PM PST
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