At Lookout Landing, we're nothing if not thorough. I mean, there's like ten of us, it kind of comes with the territory. Prospects will be analyzed, roster moves scrutinized, the soul of your very fandom will be peeled back from all its earthly layers and laid bare for introspective examination. There will also be game threads and stuff. Some of us will write complete and total nonsense.
Scott Weber has already expertly examined the fake baseball implications of the Seattle Mariners roster, and in the interest of leaving no single imaginary baseball stone left unturned, I've taken the completely necessary and critical liberty of compiling a list of notable players who have the potential capacity within themselves to have lasting, literal, fantasy impact this season. So now we have all the angles covered.
Designated Hitter: Kendrys Morales
Following the regular season, Morales will announce his retirement from baseball to transition into broadcasting as Tim McCarver's replacement.
Catcher: Jesus Montero
Montero will wake up one morning to find the entire world molded out of clay. He'll perceive his own movements and those of others as if they had been painstakingly adjusted one single frame at a time. He will keep this discovery to himself, mentioning it to no one, out of fear of disbelief and institutionalization.
First Base: Justin Smoak
After being left a mystical and powerful Ring by his uncle, Justin Smoak will be persuaded by a tall wizard to leave home on a epic journey in hopes of destroying the corrupting artifact in the fires from which it was forged. He will leave the shire accompanied by his friend Matt Wieters, and the two will experience adventure and hardship of heroic proportions, including many run-ins with a bi-polar schizophrenic who loves eating raw fish. There will be a lot of yelling and crying and fighting, but everything will work out in the end, eventually. There will also be elves.
Second Base: Dustin Ackley
Dustin Ackley will begin commenting on Lookout Landing, providing priceless and illuminating insights into the mind of a professional baseball player to the fan community. He will quickly endear himself to the membership with his razor sharp wit and biting sense of humor. He will arrange for a group meet-up in the Mariners clubhouse, where food and refreshments will be provided free of charge. Dustin will take the time to have intimate conversations with each and every guest, forging lasting, meaningful friendships with all who attend.
Shortstop: Brendan Ryan
Born into serfdom, Ryan will spend his early years toiling in the fields, harvesting crops for the Dragon Kingdom. The Young Ryan will dream of one day transcending his lowly station, leaving his meager dwelling behind and setting off beyond the hills in search of adventure. He'll pause during the work day, set his gaze on the horizon, and close his eyes. When he reaches the proper age, Ryan will graduate to the position of ditch digger, eventually being called to battle in defense of his lord's acreage. While Ryan will survive the conflict, he will suffer a slow and painful premature demise after contracting the Black Death. His body will be disposed, unmarked and soon forgotten, in a mass grave.
Third Base: Kyle Seager
Seager will hit 98 home runs, breaking the all-time single season record by a comfortable margin.
Outfield: Michael Morse
One midsummer evening, in front of his television, Seattle Mariners fan Marcus Radford will look up from his dinner to root for a Michael Morse home run. The following pitch will be deposited deep into the center field bleachers. Some minutes later, Radford will foresee a scorching line drive hit towards Morse in left field, expertly tracked down and caught with a fully extended diving effort. Radford will call for Morse to scratch his left bicep, and witness it happen in real time. Seattle Mariners fan Marcus Radford will discover that he can control Michael Morse with his mind.
Outfield: Franklin Gutierrez
Gutierrez will self-publish a stream of consciousness, hauntingly existential novel that will go on to be awarded the National Book Award and the Pulitzer Prize for Literature. After receiving the MacArthur genius grant, Guti will unveil a sprawling and evocative sculpture park, hailed as a post-modern masterpiece, spanning three full city blocks.
Outfield: Michael Saunders
Saunders will sprout gills in the middle of a September at-bat and run frantically from the stadium towards the coast. He'll plunge into the Puget Sound and swim briskly away, never to be seen again.
Starting Pitcher: Felix Hernandez
Following nuclear holocaust, Felix will emerge from the remaining survivors as the ultimate leader of mankind, ushering the rapid and vital resurgence of humanity. He will rule as undisputed King for the remainder of his life, overseeing everlasting world peace and universal harmony between all species. A monument will be erected in his honor that will rival the majesty of the pyramids, standing as a testament to his greatness for eternity.
Starting Pitcher: Hisashi Iwakuma
Hisashi Iwakuma will come unstuck in time.
Pitching Prospect: Danny Hultzen
Hultzen will be bit by a vampire and become a vampire himself, running around in the forests of the Pacific Northwest and making out with werewolves or whatever the hell it is the kids are into these days.
Closer: Tom Wilhelmsen
Wilhelmsen will conjure with sorcery Yawgmoth's Will. Until end of turn, he may play cards from his graveyard. If a card would be put into his graveyard from anywhere this turn, exile that card instead.
Bench: Raul Ibanez
Raul Ibanez will hit and field well.