FanPost

The 2016 Mariners R.E.C.A.P. Table (Rote Extended Commentary And Prognostication)

Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

With summer upon us, most schools out, and the M's 2016 season humming along with few off days , we might not all have a chance to keep up with the games, or with the great articles here at Lookout Landing.

Further, even if we DO catch the games, the grind of the season starts weighing in on our ability to appreciate and discuss what we just saw. "There's over 90 games left" is encouraging when the M's have been 2-8 in their last 10, but a daunting hill to climb when trying to think of something new to say about our beloved Mighty M's.

So, you may be looking to jumpstart Mariners conversation at the barbeque, fake like you watched the game today, or write a fanpost. I'd especially like to help if you feel the need to compose a recap in your head, when the offered recaps on LL and in Baseball Media didn't match what you were expecting to read. Perhaps you'd even want to make sense of what you see floating around in Twitter or on one of those deplorable AM radio talk shows.

May I humbly offer this meager attempt at a tool for any or all of these things. You can look up items in this table to play write-your-own-recap mad-libs (hence the "Intro" and "Closing" rows). You could play comment buzzword bingo. Or, most usefully, you can simply berate me in the comments for having a particularly, outrageously uninformed opinion of the 2016 M's, their fans, or ideally both. Apologies in advance if this fanpost is not mobiLLe-friendly.

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years, love and kisses,

Munenori's Espresso Stand

Good thing Bad thing Weird thing Dumb thing Amazing thing Routine thing
Intro Man, we needed this game today. You know, it's a long season. So, that happened. I'm tired, you're tired, we're all tired, let's make this quick. Where were you when it happened? Hi, I'm a LL writer, let me tell you about an artisian egg salad sandwich I had for lunch a year ago NO WAIT I'M GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS
Aoki Constantly on base Constantly trying to steal New ways to fall down in the batter's box New ways to fall down in the outfield Took a direct route to the ball and threw to the right cutoff man Guys, I don't know, he might be done.
Marte Ain't no party like a Marte party… …cause a Marte party don't start. Ha ha how did he do that on defense? Ha ha why did he do that on offense? The amazing thing is I'm not amazed anymore. Remember when he was on the DL? Aren't we glad he isn't?
Martin A MOTO bat, batting 8th! Out with leg issues again. He walked. Why would you yield to Aoki in the field, ever Note that his ISO this season is as high as his voice. Remember when he was on the DL? Aren't we glad he isn't?
Cano MVP Cano kept the hits coming PAY ATTENTION ROBBIE 3 times on base today and not one TOOTBLAN! PAY ATTENTION ROBBIE DO WHATEVER YOU WANT ROBBIE Yes we Cano!
Cruz Cruz is at DH Cruz is in RF Cruz made a good play in RF! Cruz tried to make a play in RF. Cruz made a good play on defense and he's the DH! MVP Cruz kept the hits coming
Seager Ranger killer! Mariner base"runner" Look at his expression here. LOOK AT IT Tried to steal a base Stole a base Gold glove defense
Iannetta League average catcher Throw down to second base arrived after the runner like someone tailgating their way into a secure office building League average catcher, on the Mariners! This is what an All Star level catcher can look like. Caught All The Innings the previous day, then went 3-for-4 today League average catcher
Good thing Bad thing Weird thing Dumb thing Amazing thing Routine thing
Dae-Ho Started Didn’t start Hit a double! Didn't start Continues to be a lovely human being Feel free to spend 20 comments in the comments section praising him, again
Lind Didn’t start Started Hit a home run! Started Started Feel free to spend 20 comments in the comments section asking to DFA him, again
O'Malley Is sort of a utility player Is sort of worse than Bloomquist was Is on the roster Is on the roster Is on the roster Is on the roster
Smith Kept the inning going on offense Kept the inning going on defense Is continually called Dad even though he's only old enough to be so for perhaps 15% of LL readership Played more than 3 games in a row Totes flipped his shit about that call Walked to 1b
Guti Is Guti, in personality and offense Is still basically held together by scotch tape and good intentions Played more than 3 games in a row Played more than 3 games in a row Walked without pain Is beautiful
Kuma Is not injured Whoopsadoodle! Homer. Is not injured Whoopsadoodle! Another homer. Is likely the one of the most consistent starting pitchers we have That little leg kick / flick thing
Walker Is still only 23 Hasn't stepped up to replace Felix yet, what the hell Doesn't get nearly as many quips about his name as you'd think Is getting by on fastballs Is getting by on fastballs Tee hee, he tweeted 3 words, let's quote that
Paxton Hit 100 mph out of nowhere Highly susceptible to overamped overthrowing Smiled that one time Might be the best starter on the roster right now 100mph LEFTY Here's a photoshop of his sad face
Good thing Bad thing Weird thing Dumb thing Amazing thing Routine thing
Miley Shaved Shaved Shaved Shaved Shaved Let's comment on his face again
Karns Is here Is here Is here Is here Is here Is here
MiMo Is a good long reliever Was used in a high-leverage situation Should really have been used in more high-leverage situations Was used in a high-leverage situation Is probably one of the most reliable parts of the pen Feel free to spend 20 comments in the comments section asking to play him more, again
Cishek Closed… …except for that one pitch 8th inning 4-out saves Not closing Not really concerned when he comes in to close Something something danger something club blah
Reliever Had a 1-2-3 inning Didn't record an out Is someone whose name we know Is like, 57 or something, why's he here Is someone whose name we know Also played
Player Contributed Reminded us why he's not an everyday player Here's probably the first, last and only thing we'll have to say about him Here's probably the first, last and only thing we'll have to say about him Isn't it nice when players acquired for depth work as they're supposed to? Hey, this guy is here now. Crap. Who's hurt? Let's talk about the guy we expected to be there instead
HP Umpire I can't tell you who it was today UMPSHOW Regulation strike zone He went to school for this Was in AAA 2 weeks ago Boy could you believe that strikezone? I can't. ROBOTS
Other Umpire I can't tell you who it was today You had ONE job Helped correct the HP ump Took forever to make a routine call Got every replay-reviewed call right in this series Not mentioned
Good thing Bad thing Weird thing Dumb thing Amazing thing Routine thing
Strike zone We don't even have to talk about the strikezone today Ready for today's interpretive dance routine? There were some legitimately borderline calls in there @MarinersUmp was working overtime We don't even have to talk about the strikezone today Ho boy.
Breakdown of at-bat Saw a lot of pitches today swingswingswingswingswing He hit THAT pitch? He tried to hit THAT pitch? Look at this 12-pitch at bat Well, this is how they worked with what was given to them.
Gifs Dae-Homer Aoki Cano error Aoki in center Guti Seager
References Current TV show 2010 M's Class the author took around 3rd year of undergrad Look at this yahoo from twitter Someone else on twitter called it Go to wikipedia and pull up a random article, it will work
LL in-joke fiddle cat there is no floor goms numbers gobiz meatloaf
Intangibles #1 This team loves each other Momentum Can't predict ball Something Buhner said during the 4th inning Clutch It's a long season.
Intangibles #2 This team is fun They obviously don't want it enough This could be a turning point right here Football analogy Momentum That's why they play the games
Sabr cliché #1 Run differential Regression (and a 20-comment discussion clarifying how to use Regression correctly) Did you know the last player to do that was Junior? Did you know the last player to do that was Figgins? No one has ever done this before SSS
Closing So, that happened. In the larger scheme, we're all just drops in an ocean of confusion, and we need to find meaning where we can. Hug your loved ones, go have a beer and come back tomorrow. Where were you when it happened? Someday we will look back on this and laugh. Man, we needed this game today. But there's still more games to play. Goms.