What you'd be bitching about if you weren't a Mariners fan

We bitch a lot about the Mariners. Seriously, it's pretty constant.

"Our prospects always fail!"

"Jack Z doesn't know how to run an organization!"

"I wish we were owned by Playstation! Wah!"

What most people fail to recognize is that every fanbase bitches about something. Not only that, but they bitch about most of the same things. Seattle isn't the only organization to see prospects fail over and over again. Ever heard of the Mets? Did you know that Dustin Ackley, Justin Smoak, and Jesus Montero aren't the only prospects to graduate in the major leagues over the last five years?

It's quite true! Besides Mike Trout and Bryce Harper, many other prospects have been called up and been shitty. Several other players besides Chone Figgins have signed free agent contracts and turned to shit. Oh sure, 99% of the problems in baseball belong to the Mariners, but there is that other one percent. I promise!

As a matter of fact, let's go over those complaints right now. Here's what the fans of every other team in baseball could possibly be bitching about right now.

Toronto Blue Jays

"I heard the Marlins sucked dick last year. Let's trade for them. Let's trade for all of them. Yes, this is working out just right."

New York Yankees

"A-Rod is a Cloverfield-sized cockmonster destroying this city. I hope you get banned for life and we get refunded your contract so that it's spread around to the fans and Yankees tickets go from $523 to $517, you lousy, no-good, dick. If I have to watch MY Yankees miss the playoffs for the second time since 1994, I quit on this team forever. Nobody has had it worse in the last 20 years than Yankees fans suffering through one championship since 2000."

Baltimore Orioles

"Miguel Gonzalez, Jason Hammel, Wei-Yin Chen, Scott Feldman, and Freddy Garcia. Yes, these are exactly the kinds of names we envisioned as our rotation of the future a few years ago. I remember telling my kids "One day you'll hear the immortal words "Now coming in to relieve Scott Feldman will be Brian Matusz." and you'll know how great the future is." And as soon as All-Star Chris Tillman gives up his 30th home run of the year (he's sitting at 29) we all get a free taco from Taco Bell."

Tampa Bay Rays

"Man, we lost again. The Rays are gonna blow their wild card lead... lead... lead... lead.. (an echo that bounces off the chambers of an empty Tropicana Field.)"

Boston Red Sox

"That last Matt Damon movie really fuckin' sucked hahd."

Chicago White Sox

"Well, I know that we owe John Danks, Adam Dunn, and Alexei Ramirez $38.75 million next year, that Paul Konerko is finished, and that we are in last place, but according to my records, there is some great help in the minor leagues that is ready to contribute very soon."

/gets up and starts to walk out of meeting but briefcase bursts open and nothing more than a half-eaten turkey sandwich on white rye and a travel Boggle game pop out.


Minnesota Twins

"99 bottles of beer on the wall. 99 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, give Joe Mauer $200, do not pass go, realize that 50% of your 2014 salary is dedicated to one player, wonder how it got so bad so fast, build a time machine so that you can go four years into the future when your two top prospects are here even though neither one of them is a pitcher which is what you desperately need and also hope that they don't flame out because both are still pretty far away from the majors at least what you would expect normally unless they are Mike Trout's, 98 bottles of beer on the wall."

Kansas City Royals

"Well thank God we traded Wil Myers to the Rays so that we could win 85 games this year. Totally worth it. I'm sure it won't flame out immediately.

Hi, I'm Casey the sarcastic KC fan. You'll enjoy my antics."

Cleveland Indians

"Do you have a fringe roster player that you have absolutely no qualms about losing to another team? Are you a free agent that's still looking for a team in March? Is your name: Nick Swisher, Drew Stubbs, Michael Bourn, Jason Giambi, Mark Reynolds, Mike Aviles, Ryan Raburn, Justin Masterson, Ubaldo Jimenez, Scott Kazmir, Carlos Carrasco, Chris Perez, Brett Myers, or Marc Rz-something? Congratulations, you're a 2013 Cleveland Indian! Hey look, somehow we're in playoff contention! Sorry about being in Cleveland. Here, try this."

Detroit Tigers

"If the Tigers don't bring the city of Detroit a championship while the top six players make a combined $98 million in the midst of the biggest crisis in the history of this once-great metropolitan... well.. did you ever see the movie Roger & Me?"

Houston Astros



/takes a sip of a slurpee. /eats some nachos.



Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

"We're going to pretend that finishing ahead of the Mariners is as big of a win for us as it would have been for the Mariners and ignore the fact that we have a $240 million DH signed for eight more years who has seen his OPS dip for the fifth straight season and is on the Alex Rodriguez plan which means at least we should be able to void his contract when the steroids scandal breaks in three years. At least Josh Hamilton was healthy all year so we could see his OPS go down .199 points."

Casey!!! You knucklehead. How'd you get here?

"I flew. You're really smart."

Texas Rangers

"Are they holding the World Series early this year? If not, then why are we blowing it in September?"

Oakland Athletics

"I heard that they have to pay for their own soda pop in the locker room."

Miami Marlins

"Giancarlo Stanton is like the LeBron James of baseball. Except in this case he can't wait to take his talents the fuck out of South Beach and win a title elsewhere."

New York Mets

"With this cryo-technology, we will be able to freeze people for years in a deep sleep, to awake at a later date when things are hopefully much better. For an 18-month freeze, we charge $9,999. We call this the "Mets Fan, Matt Harvey Plan." It's quite popular."

Philadelphia Phillies

"Ryan Howard is owed almost 100 million dollars."

/and then I do that Dr. Evil pinky thing lol.

"Mariska Hargitay."

Washington Nationals

"When we got the Expos, I shouldn't have ignored the fact that we were getting the Expos. Why would I be surprised that we are wasting a wealth of young talent?"

Atlanta Braves

"Excuse me, can someone call Casey the sarcastic KC fan?"


"Read this."

Oh yeah, the Braves are totally going to win a World Series because that's what they always do when they make the playoffs. Nobody expects them to blow it in the NLDS round.


No problem. I had nothing to do today.

Chicago Cubs

"Four straight fifth place finishes. No World Series appearances since 1945. No championships in the last 105 years. The greatest success we've seen in most of our lifetimes was that movie about some dipshit kid with a broken arm that became the best player on the team -- which isn't too far outside of reality.

Hi, I'm a Chicago Cubs fan. And I'm sick of this shit.

The More You Know."

Milwaukee Brewers

"Did you know we have a pitcher named Donovan Hand? If I was Ryan Braun I would have voluntarily suspended myself months ago."

Cincinnati Reds

"Damn bro, we're not even as good as the Pirates this year."

Pittsburgh Pirates

"Complain? Nah, we are cumming buckets over here. It looks like the Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man moved to Pittsburgh."

St. Louis Cardinals

If a Cardinals fan bitches about the constant handjob that falls into their lap every year, I will punch that person in the throat. The Yankees, I understand. They've got stupid resources. But if the Cardinals signed Jose Lopez he'd turn into a World Series MVP and everyone would just accept it.

Fuck the Cardinals. You should hate them more.

San Francisco Giants

"The Giants suck. Now we have to wait a whole calendar year before those assholes walk ass-backwards into the playoffs based on the play of some cockface that they picked up from the Mexican independent leagues who was Baseball America's #98 prospect in 1998 who comes here and hits .400 in the playoffs with three home runs as we beat the Red Sox in seven games in the World Series to win another title out of the middle of buttfuck Egypt nowhere.

Also fuck that two-time Cy Young-slash-World-Series winning bastard Tim Lincecum. Good riddance!"

Colorado Rockies

"More like Rolorado Cockies. Remember when the Cocks couldn't lose that one September and won the National League? Remember every other year? Remember every pitcher that walked in with a big dick only to see it hit the blender? Shit, don't even remember, just look right now. We have two solid MVP candidates and yet still couldn't compete in the fucking NL West. I don't understand why we tried to depress the thin air -- we should have been maximizing the shit out of it. We should have turned Coors Field into Moon Field... sponsored by Coors, of course. Fuck the pitchers, how many of them have actually improved in the last forever-history-of-Colorado? A bunch of individual 90 home run seasons and a team ERA of Kirstie Alley."

San Diego Padres

"The Padres? Oh shit, yeah. That's like, my team, bro. What's the question? What do I hate about them? Nah, they're pretty chill actually. I usually catch like, three or four games a year, and it's always a wicked time. I bring my girl out there and we all go out and tailgate for like four hours, then chill inside, pop out by like, I don't know, the seventh inning, just enough time to catch the last tasty wave of the day. Then it's back to Beaver's house for some dogs and brew, ya know? Go Pad's."

Arizona Diamondbacks

"Well Paul Goldschmidt is pretty tight. I can't wait to see what we fucking undersell him for in two years."

Los Angeles Dodgers

"Oh sure, Yasiel Puig is a national sensation, Hanley Ramirez is back playing the best ball of his career, Clayton Kershaw is the best pitcher in the world, Carl Crawford, Adrian Gonzalez, and Andre Ethier are all playing pretty well, Kenley Jansen is amazing, Hyun-jin Ryu and Zack Greinke and Ricky Nolasco are all great, and we've lost like six games since the end of June, but I'll still find some shit to complain about for the Doyers.

Fuck Matt Kemp.


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