Exclusive: Mariners infielders to form boy band

do you ship EdGer? - Andy Lyons

Breaking news from Safeco Field! In an attempt to supplement their salaries, six Seattle Mariners infielders have decided to join hands - and voices - to create a new pop sensation. Lookout Landing is pleased to announce the formation of major league baseball's first ever boy band: Instant 3Play! Logan Davis has the exclusive interview.

Logan Davis: Hey, everyone. Thanks for sitting down for an interview with me - we're very flattered that you'd choose to break this news on Lookout Landing.

Kyle Seager: No, thank you for agreeing to announce our decision! We felt that a, uh, less official avenue was the best way to go with this announcement. After all, this isn't strictly speaking baseball business, so...

Brendan Ryan: What he means to say is, we wanted to announce this without having to clear it with Wedgie. Great guy, but he likes boy bands about as much as he likes chronic lateness, De Niro impressions, and tuberculosis.

LD: Ah. Say no more. Shall we begin?

KS: By all means.

LD: First things first, then... this one's for the whole group. I have to ask: what made you want to start a boy band of all things?

Brad Miller: I've got this one. I don't know if I speak for everyone here when I say this, but being in a boy band has actually been a lifelong dream of mine. I grew up listening to 98 Degrees and New Kids on the Block - I always thought it would be really cool to get up and sing on a stage. And then, a couple weeks ago in the showers, we found out that Justin's actually got a really nice singing voice. It kinda reminded me, you know? And then I realized: the six of us, together, would make for an unstoppable chart topper. So I asked the guys, and they took a little persuading, but in the end we all decided that this was the right thing to do.

LD: How did you manage to convince everyone?

BM: Well, Brendan here's game for anything, and once I heard Justin sing I obviously wasn't going to let him go. Nicky agreed that some extra dough on the side couldn't hurt, and after the four of us were together I think Kyle didn't want to be left out any longer.

LD: ...and Dustin? Why did you join up?

Dustin Ackley:

KS: Dustin's sort of a part-time member at this point. We aren't sure exactly what role we're going to give him yet. He's been bouncing around: a little harmony, a little melody... backup dancer, maybe? Does that sound good, Dustin?

DA:

LD: Brendan, here's one for you: what unique talent do you feel that each member brings to the group?

BR: Well, I think it'd be fair to say that Kyle's our leader. He's been making all of our sort of command decisions, you know? He's the manager, or maybe the executive. And Brad's obviously the front man, what with his all-American looks and great singing voice. Justin's got absolutely incredible vocal strength... that day in the showers? I've never heard any first baseman show off that kind of power before. Nicky's got kind of a bad boy thing going on, with the ink and the beard; we figure that'll be great with the ladies, and obviously also on that front Dustin is absurdly good looking. And I've been doing vocal training - helping the boys with their range. I can't dance, at all, but I think I can carry a tune pretty well.

LD: Nick, you've been kinda quiet. What does Brendan mean by the "bad boy thing"?

Nick Franklin: Hombre, don't even call me Nick. That's not me llamo any more, you dig? I've moved on.

LD: Huh?

KS: Ah, perhaps I should explain. Nick's really into the whole marketing aspect of this, you know? He likes the money. So I guess he asked his agent for some advice on that front, and his agent said, if you're going to build a successful boy band these days, it needs some international flavor. You need to appeal to the foreign market. But... we weren't going to be able to do that, because we're all white as f&%#, you know? Then Nicky had this great idea.

NF: Dammit, dude, I said don't call me Nicky!

KS: My apologies, E.

LD: "E"?

BM: Yeah, he's, uh, one sixteenth Mexican. On his mother's side, right?

Justin Smoak: I thought it was that his great-grandfather lived there for a while.

KS: Invaded, maybe. Wasn't the Mexican War...? Anyways. He's got some Mexican blood in him. We think.

NF: No, man, we don't think! We know! No creemos, sabemos, hermano. Anyways, Mr. David or whatever your name is: don't call me Nick. Tell your blog not to call me Nick. Tell your friends not to call me Nick. I'm Edmundo now.

LD: Ah-ha! So that's what the Yahoo thing was about!

EF: Yeah, man. I don't like to brag, but I'll confess I've got some compadres over at Yahoo, and they changed it up for me. Gotta keep it fresh, rep my heritage, the whole ninety feet. Comprendo?

LD: Si, si. I get the idea - love the international flavor, and I definitely get the bad boy thing. Sort of an A.J. McLean vibe, only instead of A.J. it's Edmundo, right? Brilliant. Love it.

BR: Whoa, that's a great idea. Comparing us to other boy bands. Hey, guys, who do you think I remind you of?

BM: You've definitely got the whole Chris Kirkpatrick thing going on. Dustin's gotta be the Kevin Richardson, right?

KS: Right. And you're pretty similar to Joey McIntyre.

JS: Awesome! We could bill ourselves as, like, a boy band supergroup.

LD: Bill yourselves? Have you already got a gig lined up?

KS: Well... not as such. But we figure if the corpse of Paul McCartney can play Safeco Field, then Instant 3Play can too! We've been playing for some of our guys in the clubhouse, postgame, and it seems like the pitchers and the outfielders all think it's really cool. We're excited to start writing our own material.

LD: How's it going on that front?

BM: Oh, it's going terrific. We've got this great song we're working on, I don't want to give too much away but it's about rounding the bases, and it's practically finished. We've got three chords and a beat already, so that's like 90% of the way there. All we need now is a name for it!

LD: Speaking of names: Instant 3Play. How'd you come up with it?

JS: Oh, that was Brendan all the way. I dunno what we'd do without his creativity - it's instant replay, because that's how fast you'll want to hear our songs again, but it's also a triple play thing 'cause we're all infielders. And it's got a number in a word, which we all think is crazy cool and original.

EF: Plus? Great puns. Hey chicas - Edmundo can go one better than 3Play!

LD: Ha! Good one. Speaking of the ladies... you're a pretty handsome group of guys. In a lot of boy bands, the listeners like to write fanfiction about the members. Sometimes they even pair them off. There's obviously pretty great potential for that here: Dustin/Justin is just too easy, and Brendan/Brad's pretty good, and Edmundo and Seager could do a sort of EdGer thing. What do you think about that?

EF: Well -

KS: That would be a little weird, since most of us are happily married. Personally, I'm a little bit surprised that you managed to come up with those so quickly. But our fans can write whatever they like about us, as long as they make it clear that it's just fiction and not some big journalistic reveal. I can't imagine what kind of idiot would just make something up and then pretend it's breaking news.

LD: Right.

LD:

LD: Well, I'm afraid we're at the end of our time. Any closing remarks before I've got to leave?

BM: Yeah, I've got one. You know, I wasn't expecting all this to happen. What with playing major league baseball and all, I never thought I'd also have time to pursue my dream of singing and dancing in front of dozens of people. But in retrospect, it seems totally obvious. I mean, we're a bunch of infielders on the same team, and our names are Dustin, Justin, Brendan, Brad, Kyle, and Nicky.

EF: Edmundo!

BM: Right. But the point is, when a bunch of men work together, and they look like us, and they're named like us... how could they possibly not form a boy band?

LD: Exactly. Fantastic.

LD: Thanks a lot for your time, and thanks again for choosing to spread the news on Lookout Landing. This is staff writer Logan Davis, signing off, and urging all my readers... to check the Instant 3Play!

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