There exists, probably, some perfect formula or combination of subjects that would be absolutely ideal for a Mariners blog post. I should probably rephrase that and say Lookout Landing blog post. You could probably guess why. There are boxes and buckets of the Mariners content world that I have shuffled into the dark corners and shadows of my mind—only to bathe in light due to great outside influence and force by others—and since I can't see or hear those boxes and buckets la la la, they will not be a part of this admittedly worthless thought exercise. I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.
So the formula would look something like this subject plus this subject plus this format plus this media equals perfection in online
Mariners Lookout Landing web content. I don't have any illusions that I'm capable of solving this arithmetic, but on a day where there is no baseball and hasn't been for some time, I think I might be able to offer something worthy of at least a passing grade.
Today's amateur equation looks like this:
Norm Macdonald + Ken Griffey Jr. + YouTube video + GIFs = Why not
There are undoubtedly better combinations of things that would result in a successful Lookout Landing post. Thousands of better combinations. But I'd venture a guess that this one can at least beat the median.
You may or may not be aware that the ESPYs were on last night. You may or may not be aware that the ESPYs are ESPN's attempt to create some kind of Academy Awards or Grammys for the sporting world. A red carpet event for athletes. It's just about as stupid as it sounds. But most years, I watch them, this is because I have a terrible memory and am weak of character. It's kind of nice to be reminded from time to time of certain notable sports games, events, accomplishments earned, and records set that have taken place the year prior. I also crane my neck when I see flashing lights on the side of the freeway.
Last night, Jon Hamm hosted the ceremony. Russell Wilson was also nominated for an award, presented an award, and was shown in his seat multiple times during the broadcast. Those are the extent of this year's highlights.
So here's what I know. Norm Macdonald hosted the ESPYs in 1998 and made a whole bunch of jokes that ESPN retroactively probably isn't too thrilled about now that they are in charge of the entire universe. Ken Griffey Jr. was also in attendance and at the time was a Seattle Mariner (hence the flimsy pretense of the post you are currently reading). Norm MacDonald is the shit. So is Ken Griffey Jr., and especially so in 1998. Deadspin has been all over Norm's monologue of late, even going so far as to post GIFs of Every Hilarious Reaction Shot that resulted from the jokes he told. And since they've already done all of the hard work, let's examine a few pertinent moments.
First, here is the full version of Macdonald's opening speech, in all of it's grainy glory:
And here is the text of some of his jokes, accompanied by isolated reactions to said jokes by Ken Griffey Jr. Some of these zingers may or may not be even more offensive when viewed through the lens of the present day, but I'm banking on the fact that we're already more than 500 words into this post and well down the page.
"I was a little late here tonight, I took a cab to the theater, folks, and I don't know if you've ever been in these New York City cabs, but uh, I got one of those cabbies who couldn't speak English, you know. Saw his name there on the dash, I couldn't even pronounce it. I think it was something like Hideki Irabu. Something like that."
"And there's Charles Woodson, how 'bout that, what a season he had. Great, man, he became the first defensive player to win the Heisman Trophy. Congratulations, Charles. That is something that no one can ever take away from you. Unless you kill your wife and a waiter, in which case, all bets are off."
Many thanks and refocusing of responsibly to Deadspin for their tireless work on this subject.