FanPost

Seattle Mariners trade candidate: Mariner Moose

Otto Greule Jr

It's July and the Mariners are out of contention, which means it's time to start thinking about who will be traded. Since the Lookout Landing authors have a very good trade analysis series started, there is a high probability that they will cover many people who will no longer be part of the club by August. In this post, we'll be taking a look at a more creative possibility.

The Mariners are not simply in mid-season callups, but likely on the edge of an all-out firesale. Like trying to save on moving costs by pawning old furniture on Craigslist, the Mariners will begin their annual purge to make room for yet another mewling crop of shiny younglings.

While Mariner fans will be fawning over players not yet ruined by the major league coaches, behind the scenes the Mariner brass will be scrutinizing everyone 29 and over to see if they can get some value back. It's essentially Logan's Run in teal.

This leads to the predictable talk of veterans who could be moved (Morales, Bay), should be moved (Morse, Ryan) or will only be moved if you ask nicely because they are in better shape than you and can kick your ass (Ibanez). Politely ignoring the unwanted, untradeable or simply uninteresting, one starts to wonder what other savvy veterans might fetch some sort of return.

Which leads us to Moose.

WHY HE'S ATTRACTIVE

  • He's been through the wars, having been in baseball since 1990. Precise information on the Moose's true age is hard to come by (not that that stops someone from being a valued contributor to a club). But if one starts from the lifespan of a Moose being 15 to 25 years, and the average age of a human major league rookie being 24, then one can estimate that the Moose was 6 years old in 1990 and is now 29 people years old. Team members who are just entering the peak of the baseball aging curve, yet also having 23 years of major league experience, are hard to come by!
  • He's cheap. The average salary for a major league mascot is $28,000. Put another way, the Mariner Moose makes 7% of the league minimum for a major league player. Put yet another way, a team could have the Moose for an entire year, for one day and one morning's worth of whatever Chone Figgins is doing right now.
  • He's a hard-nosed guy who plays by the unwritten rulebook, unafraid to go after an opposing player. Especially if that player is from Cleveland. Because fuck Cleveland.

WHY HE'S NOT

  • He's 29 people years old, or the Moose equivalent of 116. Aside from the absurdity of playing someone who is the Moose age equivalent of Don Zimmer's dad, it's just flat weird luck to invite the Moose over when he's the same age as the number of wins in the Mariner's best season, because baseball players are superstitious as all get out. Plus, for the team who signs him, there's the possible spectacle of a team member dying of old age in front of thousands of men, women and children. (Though to be fair, such considerations did not prevent the Mariners from acquiring Henry Blanco.)
  • He's primarily a designated hitter. While Moose could likely play a passable first base, he isn't exactly an ideal option to play there every day. That's going to limit his market considerably, especially to National League teams.

POSSIBLE INTERESTED TEAMS

  • Baltimore Orioles. While all the fans are busy drooling over Chris Davis and cheering at Brian Roberts' return from the DL, they could just slap #35 on him and see if anyone noticed.
  • Florida Marlins. "Psst. Psst. Hey. Hey, Loria. Want to REALLY piss off Stanton? Trade him for this."
  • New York Yankees. A 116 year old player whose last injury was in the late 1990s would constitute something of a youth movement.
  • Toronto Blue Jays. Mascot for mascot, bitches. Let's dance.

WHY A TRADE WILL HAPPEN

  • In a season of rushed Tacoma callups, it only makes sense, for once, to promote someone who is dominating their level.
  • It will be refreshing to deal someone with no Super-2 implications, no salary owed into next year, and who is not a Boras client.

WHY A TRADE WON'T HAPPEN

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