Broke the ROOT Sports truck: Hisashi Iwakuma (-.320 WPA)
Brought me beers to make this whole thing easier: Nick Franklin (.238 WPA)
You know what? We can change the channel, if we want. We can go outside, enjoy a nice walk, eat a fancy dinner at a restaurant, see the new Superman movie, or even watch awful TV reruns on Netflix. If we really want to experience Mariners baseball, we can go to MLB.tv and watch a replay of last year's 20+ run rousing of the Rangers in Arlington, Felix's one-hitter in New York, or any other game we know will satiate the sweet expectancy of victory as long as we pretend to forget what happens in the end.
These guys have to go through the dugout tunnel and take a cold shower and get yelled at by Eric Wedge. Tom Wilhelmsen is tired of giving up dingers, but it happens anyway, and will
probably keep happening. He knows that. Raul Ibanez probably used to give nice rousing post-loss speeches to inspire the team, and now he just sits by his locker and twists his shoelaces around so that the bendy part is facing the same direction down the whole shoe. Then, everybody has to wake up at 7 AM and do it all over again tomorrow. The TV is always on the same channel.
Oh Mariners. I'm gonna just do this instead.