The Mariners Bought You a Gift!

It's your birthday today!

The Seattle Mariners recently completed their yearly vacation to Merced, California, relaxing in the 130 degree sun and visiting some of the most amazing Merced landmarks such as the local Starbucks and McDonalds. On their way out they remembered - it's your birthday, and they need to get you a gift!

With the self imposed $50 limit, the Mariners stop by the Merced Antique Mall to pick up your presents, and then fly back to your home town to bring them to you.

Be you warned, for here there be gifts

Michael Saunders

You: Michael! You're here! How are you?

Saunders: Same old same old.

You: No surprises there.

Saunders: I brought you something.

You: You didn’t have to.

Saunders: It's the most I could do.

You: Er… Okay.

Saunders: Open it.

You: It's a See 'N Say.

Saunders: An antique, Disney See 'N Say.

You: I can see that. Pretty cool. In its original box too.

Saunders: It was on sale.

You: Good deal then.

Saunders: I think I got ripped off.

You: Okay

Saunders: I saw it on eBay for like $15

You: Okay

Saunders: It was a newer one, but it had free shipping.

You: Okay

Saunders: If you sell it on eBay for more than $100, give me half.

You: Okay

Saunders: Anyway, enjoy the gift.


Raul Ibanez

Raul: Hey.

You: Hey, I…

Raul: I got you an egg.

You: Thanks!

Raul: You don't like it.

You: Huh? I do. I said thanks!

Raul: You don't like it. I can tell.

You: Why wouldn't I like it?

Raul: If you don't want it, I'll take it.

You: I want it! I like it!

Raul: If you ever decide you don't want it, give it back.

You: I am sure I'll keep it forever.

Raul: Okay, that's good to hear.

You: Thanks for the gift!

Raul: Don't mention it. =)

You: =)

Raul: I hate you.


Brendan Ryan

You: Hey Brendan!

Brendan: Hey! What's up? I brought you this!

You: Oh cool, what is it!

Brendan: It's a handmade survival bracelet!

You: Pretty cool. Never heard of th…

Brendan: Yeah it's really amazing so what you do is that you can unroll the bracelet if there's every like a zombie attack or something and there is like fifteen billion feet of rope that you can use to like climb up things and strange enemies or kill zombies somehow although I don't know how so maybe you'd like stick a bunch of spikes on the ground and like tie up the rope and have the zombies trip on the spikes although I guess maybe then you can use the spikes and stab stab stab the zombies in the eye and it's not like zombies exist anyway although there are some zombie ants which are creepy as hell and I saw them on YouTube that one time the same day I saw this conspiracy video about mind control rats which was like whoa to my brain man and that's why I bought you this really killer bracelet which is pink but bros wear pink son so you be a baller like a shot caller with a feather in his hat with a bat which is deep man kind of like the holes that I dug in my house that are sometimes hard to get out of which is why I think I'm going to keep the bracelet in case I get stuck looking for gold or diamonds or bones.

{{Brendan Leaves}}


Justin Smoak

You: Hey Justin! You got me something too?

Smoak: Oh yeah, TOTALLY.

You: Awesome!

Smoak: You're going to love it!

You: I'm so excited!

Smoak: You should be dude. You should be.

You: Yay!






You: … So?

Smoak: Oh yeah, well, it's coming. I ordered it for you.

You: Oh cool, when!

Smoak: You'll have to see!

You: Okay

Smoak: It's totally coming though! It's going to be so sweet. I can't wait to see the look on your face. Seriously. It's going to be the best. Okay see ya!

{{Smoak Leaves}}

Brandon Bantz

You: Hey… Sport. What's up?

Bantz: I got you this.

You: Oh… Thanks! What is it?

Bantz: Well, I know how much you like kiwis. And I also know how much you like bears. So I searched everywhere and I somehow found a kiwi bear!

You: Wow, that's very thoughtful, thanks!

Bantz: Yeah. I wanted to get you something better, but my budget isn't as high as the others. You know how it is.

You: Yeah, I do.

Bantz: So you like it?

You: Yes, thank you.

Bantz: I'm glad =).



You: I have no idea who you are.

Bantz: But you'll never forget me. ALA KAZAAM!


You: Where'd he go?

You: Oh, there you are. Why are on the ground?

Bantz: I don't know magic.

You: You should leave.

Bantz: Yeah


Carlos Peguero

You: Hey Carlos!

Peguero: I got you rat.

You: Um… What?

Peguero: Got rat. You get rat.

You: Like an antique rat sculpture?

Peguero: No. Got rat. You get rat.

You: …Okay.

Peguero: You like rat?

You: Sure… Thanks.

Peguero: Good.



Peguero: Rat dead.

Felix Hernandez

You: Felix! The King! How are you?

Felix: Hey man! Good to see you!

You: Man, Felix. You're awesome.

Felix: No you're awesome. You're the best.

You: So great to see you. What's up?

Felix: Bought you a slot machine.

You: Whoa! That's way too generous!

Felix: Take it. It's yours.

You: This is too cool. And it works too!

Felix: Yep. There's also some money in there in case you win.

You: This is too much. Thank you. But I thought there was a $50 limit?

Felix: Hahaha.

You: ?

Felix: My name is Felix Hernandez.

You: ?

Felix: I have answered your question.

You: Oh.

Felix: Now I take my leave of you.

Felix: By the way, I also bought you a pony.


Nick Franklin

You: Hey Nick!

Nick: Hey buddy. I brought you something.

You: Cool, what is it?

Nick: It's a hat.

You: It is… it is definitely a hat.

Nick: What's wrong?

You: Nothing. I like it, thanks.

Nick: No, tell me.

You: Well… it's kind of an ugly hat.

Nick: Well, yeah…

You: I guess this is just the first time you've disappointed me.

Nick: Oh. Well… "Mariners," am I right?

You: Haha, yeah. I guess.

Nick: Haha.

You: Haha

Nick: Yeah… I'm going to murder Justin Upton.


Hector Noesi

Noesi: Hey!

You: Oh hey. Hector. You're here too?

Noesi: Yes. I have gift.

You: Oh, thanks! That's nice of you.

Noesi: Yes. You like Earl Gray Tea?

You: I do! It's my favorite tea.

Noesi: So I get.

You: You got me Earl Gray Tea?

Noesi: Yeah, I get.

You: Why is the package so big?

Noesi: It big tea.

{{Open Package}}

You: I don't think this is what you think this is.

Noesi: It grey tea. I great gift giver. You welcome. Bye Bye.


Michael Morse

You: Hi Mike.

Morse: It's Michael.

You: Oh. Okay, hi Michael.

Morse: Hi.

You: What's that in your hand?

Morse: It's a toilet seat ashtray.

You: Thanks! It's pretty cool.

Morse: You smoke?

You: No.

Morse: Good.

You: I do like it though. I collect old antique-y things.

Morse: I know pumpernickel dingleberry thumper.

You: … What?

Morse: Farfegnugen hydrocortisone bumper sticker.

You: Are you having a stroke?

Morse: Your mom is having a stroke.


Morse: Burn!


Morse: Your momma's got breadsticks.

You: She might.

Morse: Peace out buddy. Love you. Have a bomb diggity. HAKUNA MATATA.



You: Am I on candid camera?


Kendrys Morales

You: Hey Kendrys!

Morales: Hey buddy.

You: What's that?

Morales: I brought you a gift.

You: Wow, it's pretty cool.

Morales: Yeah, it's a vintage clock. Thought you'd like it.

You: I do, thanks. Really neat gift.

Morales: Good, I'm glad.

You: Yeah





Morales: Why are you staring at me?

You: I'm waiting for the punch line.



Morales: You're weird.

You: I know =(.


Aaron Harang


You: WHOA, hey Lurch.


You: Thanks.


You: Yes, gift good.


You: Thanks.


You: Okay. Thanks.



Jesus Montero

You: Hey Jesus! Or should I call you "Chuy?"

Jesus: Haha, it's funny you forget me. It's me! Jesus! Jesus Montero! Your friend!

You: Okay then. Anyway, what's up?

Jesus: I have something for you.

You: Oh awesome. What is it?

Jesus: It's a Moo Cow!

You: Neat.

Jesus: It shoots balls from its mouth!

You: Okay.

Jesus: Do not shoot in the face though. That hurts.

You: Um…

Jesus: Also it was on Ellen.


Jesus: I love her, she is so funny. Haha. So funny.





Jesus: =)


Jesus: Go Go Power Rangers!


Dustin Ackley

You: Hey Dustin!



Dustin: Here

You: Oh th-

{{Dustin Ackley exits}}


Kyle Seager

Seager: Hey.

You: Seager! The Boss!

Seager: Hey man. Good to be here.

You: So glad you could be here.

Seager: I got you a gift. It's in this bag.

You: Man, you didn't have to get me anything. Just you being here is gift enough.

Seager: Thanks, but I wanted to. Sorry about the poor packaging. I'm not very good at wrapping things.

You: Don't worry about it at all! It's the thought that counts.

Seager: I made it for you from things I found around. I tried to think of something that you'd like and I didn't want to just buy something made in China or anything like that.

You: That's very thoughtful. I'm sure I'll like it, whatever it is. Let me open it now.

{{Opens Package}}


Seager: I'm glad.


Seager: Haha thanks. But CapSea called dibs.

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