In case you're at work and can't follow the link: Yankees: We regret to inform our fans that Derek Jeter will miss the rest of the season with sexual reassignments surgery. He promises to come back stronger than ever in 2013 as Minnie Mantlez. Cubs: Fuck Bill Murray. Giants: Wow, the Chick-fil-A guy sure is an asshole. White Sox: Everyone knows President Obama is a die hard ChiSox Fan. Unfortunately, we're voting for Romney. #MuslimPresident Marlins: Just a reminder tonight is FREE PITBULL NIGHT at Marlins Park. The first 10,000 fans ages 18 and under will receive a free rescued fighting Pitbull courtesy of the Dade County Animal Rescue League. Padres: Just a note: though the handicapped are allowed to enjoy Padres games at Petco Park, their attendance is STRONGLY DISCOURAGED. Angels: Check out the sweet bazongas on the blond in section 27, row 3! Nationals: We're going back to Montreal. SEE YA SUCKERS!!!!!!!! Braves: We want to remind female fans that there is a chance of their panties getting wet tonight as Chipper Jones is back in the lineup. #ThisIsWhyWeChop