PARALLEL UNIVERSE FELIX HERNANDEZ WATCH 2012

Hello and welcome to the twenty-seventh of between one and several thousand Felix Hernandez WATCHes. Once again we will not be literally watching Felix Hernandez, nor will we be selling watches made by Felix Hernandez or produced in his image since those are now considered a sacrilege. Instead, we will be monitoring the status of the Felix Hernandez free agent sweepstakes. Yes, we all wish that either Bill Bavasi or Matt Millen had just signed Felix to a contract extension when he had the chance, but that chance is gone! Why do you make me do this? Haven't you had enough? I can't take this anymore! No! Not the whip. I'll be good. I'll be good!

Has Felix Hernandez signed a contract?
Yes.

Has Felix Hernandez signed a contract with the Seattle Mariners?
Yes.

What?! When?!
Several times! The first was back in 2002 when Bob Engle and the Mariners signed Felix out of Venezuela. Then there were several club controlled and arbitration-decided contracts that Felix signed throughout his first six full seasons as a Mariner.

Jerk. Has Felix Hernandez signed a current contract?
No.

Is Felix Hernandez close to signing a contract?
Cosmologically speaking, yes, probably, but I cannot speak for how you experience the passage of time or space ever since The Noodle Incident.

What does your brain tell you?
It's not the boss of me! I tell my brain what to do, not the other way around! And right now I am telling my brain to go get some fourth meal chicken nuggets.

That was unhelpful. Well, what is the latest?
Hold on, nuggeting.

(Waits...)
(Waits...)
(Looks forlornly at chicken nuggets...)
(Reaches for one...)
(Slaps hand away)

(Waits...)
Okay, well today Geoff Baker leaked that the New York Marlins have made repeated calls to Felix's agent, but that Felix's agent has communicated that Felix wants no part of playing in New York, no matter the team. That even if this were some other, different, universe, Felix wants no part of ever representing the city of New York or whatever it may be called.

Some people speculated that Felix would accept a shorter deal with possible bonuses tied to him breaking the strikeout record again, but that seems unlikely now with today's news that the planned world ending in December 2012 has been called off. Everyone has resigned to the fate that humanity will unfortunately continue existing for years to come.

Meanwhile, Pete Carroll has tweeted that he'd like to bring Felix aboard the Seahawks, but we're pretty sure that's a joke even though Pete did convince LeBron James, Richie McCaw and David Bowie to play for them this past season.

However, with the recent announcement by MLB Commissioner Al Gore that the Mariners will be moving to the National League starting in 2013 so that the Seattle-San Diego rivalry can finally achieve prime time status, there's been rumors that Felix is more interested in re-signing now since he fancies getting to hit regularly. There's been no word however if that will translate to a lower salary demand or if he'll finally allow something other than Livin' La Vida Loca to be played over the PA system on his game days. So sick of that song!

Are the Mariners still in the runnings?
I see no reason to believe otherwise.

Haha, "runnings"
That's Jamaica you racist.