Mariners Shopping for a New Bat

Frankly, it has been a long time coming. You say it was a common cry all winter, but even that probably undersells how long people have been bemoaning the lack of a "legitimate bat" on the Mariners. The Mariners have not had a potent offense in quite a few years and no matter how much acceptance focusing on run prevention gets as a method of winning ballgames, fans will default to wanting dingers.

Richie Sexson fizzled after a year and half. Russell Branyan was nice, but not around long either. Jack Cust was a nice idea, but clearly the ability that he once possessed to put balls over the fence has diminished with age. Well, Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik has reportedly finally heeded those cries and landed a new bat for the Mariners.

The M356 model of Louisville Slugger is a cupless -2 weight ash bat with an outstanding pedigree. The preferred bat of Joey Votto, it comes as a welcome addition to the Mariners' bat rack. Various sources agree that in quite a coup, the Mariners only had to part with an old, overused and costly Louisville P72 Derek Jeter model bat in order to acquire the younger M356 model. The P72 had been causing consternation lately in the clubhouse with its flakiness and many Mariner hitters felt uneasy with the bat, claiming that it didn't feel like it had many hits left in it.

What the Mariners plan to do with their new bat remains as of yet unclear given that a single bat alone can do little to help a team without something to propel it against a pitched ball. Rumors persist that Jack Zduriencik is not done shopping for bats, but no word has been received that he is scouting out available human players currently on other teams who will utilize these bats. The obvious conclusion is that the Mariners have developed some sort of advanced magic that will bring bats to life a la The Sorcerer's Apprentice in order to dominate the game of baseball. An artist rendering of what the new player for the Mariners could look like follows.

Bat_medium

The newest Mariner left fielder? Said "player" could present a small strike zone having neither knees or a navel and despite the inflexibility of its joints, unconfirmed wind tunnel tests indicate that such a creature would still be more mobile than the simple glove nailed to a stick that the Mariners played in left field from 2006-8. If true, it would only be a matter of time before a race of super human beings with ash, or sometimes maple, replacing their squishy flesh comes to enslave us all and seek retribution for our heinous timber-related atrocities. Run! Run now!

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