FanPost

Would You Trade Felix Hernandez?!!?

No, of course not, you're not the GM of the Seattle Mariners.

[EDIT:  I'm really sorry Jack.  I didn't realize you'd be reading.  Of course you are still the GM of the Seattle Mariners.  Don't worry.  I meant everyone else.  Everyone other than you is not the GM of the Seattle Mariners.  Understand?]

Several local and national journalists are asking you this question anyway of late.  I have read a variety of vitriolic responses.  But the responses I have read are angry for the wrong reason.  The correct response is:  "That is a stupid question.  Stop asking such stupid questions.  Stupidhead."

I’m tired of reading articles about this silly question.  You, dear reader, clearly are not tired of it, as you have navigated your silly life to this little fanpost in the right-hand right column of Lookout Landing, even though the fanpost hasn’t even received a single "rec" or comment.

To appease you, here’s a nifty template for you to write your own article:

HEADLINE

Would you trade X?

BODY

[Choose A or B]

(A) A GM would have to be a moron not to listen to phone calls for X, because [list things that make X less valuable].

(B) No GM in his right mind would trade X, because [list things that make X more valuable].

CONCLUSION

[If you chose A]

My extensive contacts in the industry confirm that trading a valuable trade package will often result in a valuable trade package coming back in return.

[If you chose B]

Two league insiders, who requested to remain anonymous, alerted me, on the condition that I not reveal their names, that they have heard rumblings that in order to get a valuable trade package most big league GMs would request a valuable trade package in return.

 Would you spend $257.34?  Would you paint my house?  Would you trade Mariners Mental Skills Coach Rafael Colon?

I don’t know.  How can I answer that without knowing the other side of the bargain?

And knock it off with the conclusion:  "What could it possibly cost to listen to offers?"

Of course it is costless to listen to offers!  You are not going to win an Economics Nobel Prize for writing that in your sports article.  Can we please establish a few sports writing theorems, prove them up, and then cite them in the future, so that I never have to read them again, disguised as something original and insightful, while I could be spending my time watering my crops of carrots on Farmville or whatever?  That it is costless to listen to offers can be Theorem 1-1.

Another one to add to our list of theorems is "Baseball executives lie." 

E.g., "However, Zduriencik will not even initiate a conversation. He is adamant that he is not shopping or trading Hernandez. And unless he is posturing — few GMs would ever publicly acknowledge a willingness to move a pitcher of Hernandez’s caliber — he is making a mistake." - Ken Rosenthal

Commenter 1 in TheoremLand:  So Jack Zduriencik said in an interview that he would not listen to offers for X?  Crazy!  That must mean that he is stupid or lying!  See Theorem 1-1!

Commenter 2 in TheoremLand:  Um, well, yes, it means he is stupid or lying in the sense that it means that he is lying.  SEE THEOREM 1-2!

The volley of "Should the Mariners Trade Felix" is annoying because it is so mindless.  Perhaps Felix has more relative value to one team or another compared to his value to the Mariners, but it’s not by much.  It’s not like Cliff Lee at the trading deadline last year, where the relative value of the final few months of his contract to the last place Mariners was much lower than his value to a contender.  When the relative value of a player’s contract to the team that owns it is much lower than to other teams, it makes sense to write an article about trading that player in the abstract.  When that’s not the case, writing such an article is as annoying as Bachelor Brad Womack’s frequent use of the "by far, one of" crutch:  "She is by far, one of my favorite women"; "this is, by far, one of the most romantic places I’ve ever been."

So all you local and national news analysts who are reading this little un"rec"ed fanpost on the right-hand side of Lookout Landing, underneath the search bar, and the legal disclaimer for the site, and the ad for the Toyota Tundra, and all the "rec"ed posts, please keep this in mind the next time you write one of these articles:  You are making some guy, somewhere, sadder, and keeping his Farmville carrots from getting watered, or whatever.

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