The Following People Will Not Be Receiving Warm Birthday Wishes From Yours Truly

1) Ian Snell

There's a parking lot behind our apartment complex. A parking lot, and some dumpsters. One day, a sofa appeared beside one of the dumpsters. It was a decent sofa. Or at least, it had been a decent sofa once. And the general structure was intact. Sure, there were some holes, and stains, and tears, and fluffy bits sticking out, and I understood why the owner saw fit to throw it away, but for a few fleeting moments, knowing that we were kind of hard up for furniture, I thought, "could we?"

We didn't. We didn't, because no matter how badly we needed a sofa, that sofa outside was trash. We could've brought it in, and we could've used it. I mean, it's a sofa. A sofa has to be pretty fucked up to no longer allow people to sit on it. But we didn't bring it in, because we knew that, while it was still soft and technically a sofa, that sofa was beyond repair. We never would've been happy with it. The only thing we could've done to make it a decent, respectable sofa again would be to tear it apart, buy some fabric and pillows, and make it a whole new sofa.

I mentioned the sofa to Ms. Jeff the day it showed up. That night, it rained. Soon thereafter, the sofa was gone.

2) Michael Young

I hate Michael Young and his douchey face. Just look at that. Look at that up there. What a douche. Douchey douche douche douche.

3) Ron Washington

You want to make a pitching change with one out in the ninth inning of a 12-2 ballgame? That's cool. You can do what you want. You can do what you want, and your recent history shows that you most certainly do. I can do what I want, too. And what I want is to find out where you live and step on all of your sprinkler heads. Let's see how your lawn likes being flooded, you inconsiderate son of a bitch.

4) Mike Maddux

12-2. 12-2. TWELVE TO TWO IN THE NINTH INNING. GOTTA MAKE THOSE MOUND VISITS

Maddux took two trips to the mound in the ninth, first when Dustin Nippert had some trouble throwing strikes, and then when Neftali Feliz had some trouble throwing strikes. Maddux jogged out there to the mound to remind his pitchers to throw strikes. You know what Maddux could've done? Yelled from the dugout. "HEY DUSTIN! HEY NEFTALI! THROW STRIKES IT'S TWELVE TO TWO AND IT IS THE NINTH INNING"

Stop overcoaching. I can't stand it when people overcoach. You don't need to jog all the way out to the mound to remind your guys to throw strikes in a 12-2 ballgame. They'll figure it out.

5) Dustin Nippert and Neftali Feliz

Holy shit you god damn assholes, throw some strikes. A 30-pitch ninth when the guys due up are Josh Wilson, Matt Tuiasosopo, and Eliezer Alfonzo?I could've ended that inning faster. I literally could've. Why are you nibbling? Who are you trying to impress? Do you think there's anyone in the ballpark who gives a shit how you do against Eliezer Alfonzo in the ninth inning of a 12-2 game? Just groove something straight and let our own assholes finish the job.

6) Jim Knox

I don't watch FSN Southwest anymore but I bet you did something stupid you creeper pedo. You look like Taylor Negron.

7) Matt Tuiasosopo

Nice glovework by Seattle's favorite iron-handed LOLcat. Hey congratulations on drawing two walks. You went 0-2 and raised your OPS. If we have to have a family name on the Mariners I'd sooner bring back Aaron Looper.

8) Sean White

Three batters faced, three drives in the air. Sinkerballer!