Dear Mariners: (The complete Twitter series)

Dear Mariners: It's okay. I'm gonna make it. I lead a full life. I got family and friends. We just signed up for a farm box. I'll be fine.

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Dear Mariners: Oh, no - there's a blemish on the cauliflower. Screw it. Where are my Smiths albums?

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Dear Mariners: Whenever one of you strikes out looking, God gives a Cap Hill hipster a wedgie. Please. Think of the children.

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Dear Mariners: Last night someone told me a dirty joke and asked me if I took offense. I said no, the Mariners might need it.

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Dear Mariners: Watching your games on FSN is like watching a French film in HD, minus the single sad red balloon drifting towards heaven.

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Dear Mariners: Things are so bad, singing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" makes me feel like I'm in the death chorus in a Wagner opera.

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Dear Mariners: Things are so bad, now I only use rally fries to get me through reorganizing my shoe tree. I own only 5 pairs of shoes.

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Dear Mariners: Things are so bad, last night Milton Bradley called me to try and cheer me up.

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Dear Mariners: Things are so bad, Ozzie Guillen is leading my sensitivity training.

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Dear Mariners: Things are so bad, John Rocker's my sponsor.