Giant Walking Banana
by Jeff Sullivan on Apr 27, 2010 11:51 AM PDT
in Miscellaneous
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PrintIf you thought you saw a giant walking banana last night, it's because there was a giant walking banana last night.
Given the species' superior aerodynamic form, threatening pointy bits, and ability to thrive in a harsh equatorial climate, it's worth considering that a mobile and sentient banana might represent the pinnacle of evolution. Note that last night's giant walking banana wasn't the least bit deterred by a powerful thunderstorm, while the humans in the area were compelled to shield themselves with thin sheets of plastic.
I don't know about you, but if last night is a sign of what lies ahead, then I, for one, welcome our new banana overlords.
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I think in this new post-human era, we need to focus on
moving forward, not backwards; upwards, not forwards; and always twirling, twirling towards freedom.
from Cubs Stats and Twitter @BradleyWoodrum
This only means giant monkeys are coming too.
by Sec 108 on Apr 27, 2010 12:04 PM PDT reply actions 3 recs
That's okay,
we’ll build giant robots to quash the monkey rebellion
CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!
Right now I'm dreaming of Carl Crawford. Maybe next year...(or this year at the trade deadline)...
There was a normal sized ape that I saw with it fleetingly.
Luckily since the banana is so large, I don’t think that it had any fear of the ape.
by seattle_since_81 on Apr 27, 2010 12:18 PM PDT up reply actions
Confirmed.
Both were there and it was planned, I saw them both together in the bathroom.
by hcoguy on Apr 27, 2010 3:56 PM PDT via mobile up reply actions
Apes and bananas pissing together? This is a new era!
I think when people are being funny, they are actually being serious and when people are being serious, it's actually really funny.
by Rich Langford on Apr 27, 2010 4:22 PM PDT up reply actions
I'm not going with out a fight. Anyone want to help be build a giant blinder? Banana smoothies for everyone!
Fuck the Angels
I giant blinder would be good for M's fans right about now
by lemonverbena on Apr 27, 2010 12:14 PM PDT up reply actions
Nah, we just need a giant shot of whiskey.
Fuck the Angels
Everclear might work better for the blinding effect.
"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett http://www.marinersminors.com/
Somehow we got six replies without someone screaming PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME
"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett http://www.marinersminors.com/
Thank God you picked up the slack
You! Cake or death?
by Torrid on Apr 27, 2010 12:18 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
I like to think of myself as treading the line between being a thoughtful contributor and groan-inducing.
"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett http://www.marinersminors.com/
by JY on Apr 27, 2010 12:26 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
If I want a comical song vaguely related to bananas I'm singing 'Big Yellow Joint'
by ChristopherA on Apr 27, 2010 12:19 PM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
What is it from?
I think when people are being funny, they are actually being serious and when people are being serious, it's actually really funny.
by Rich Langford on Apr 27, 2010 4:27 PM PDT up reply actions
My 3-year-old LOVES to sing that song.
Very glad she didn’t see the giant bananaman last night.
by seattlesundevil on Apr 27, 2010 12:22 PM PDT up reply actions
The best part is that otherwise we have some of the best content on the network.
"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett http://www.marinersminors.com/
This IS the best content on the network
by lemonverbena on Apr 27, 2010 12:29 PM PDT up reply actions
I don't venture out much.
To many +1s. They scare me.
"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett http://www.marinersminors.com/
The +1 phenomena is stupid because it has evolved into +.8, +42, +1000000, etc.
Just rec the post and move on. We shouldn’t have to decipher the scale your feelings use.
Bananas are also radioactive
Eating 600 bananas gives you the same amount of radiation as a chest X-Ray!!!
Perhaps these new Bananites are forcing us to eat their young in order to X-Ray our insides?
What was Ben Rothlisberger's penis doing at a Royals game
by lemonverbena on Apr 27, 2010 12:24 PM PDT reply actions 2 recs
Wrong color
I'd rather know a little about a lot than a lot about a little
by Sportszilla on Apr 27, 2010 12:26 PM PDT up reply actions
At least it wasn't Aardsma's penis.
"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett http://www.marinersminors.com/
Closer in size
to Greg Oden’s
Mariners/D Broncos/BSU Broncos fan in Seattle
The first rule of Lookout Landing is...
by appleshampoo on Apr 27, 2010 12:49 PM PDT up reply actions
Couldn't be Oden's though--his is in rehab after a ligament tear suffered during peanut butter jelly time.
I think when people are being funny, they are actually being serious and when people are being serious, it's actually really funny.
by Rich Langford on Apr 27, 2010 4:35 PM PDT up reply actions
I blame the banana for the loss.
It’s the only rational explanation.
In college, we made and wore giant walking banana suits to promote a party.
There is video evidence hanging around here somewhere. Yellow felt. Quite tasteful.
A buddy of mine would always wear one to ASU football games a few years ago
Also saw a bananaman walking down the street. It appears as though they are spreading!
by seattlesundevil on Apr 27, 2010 1:05 PM PDT up reply actions
I don't welcome them and will express my displeasure by refusing to buy their manufactured goods
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
I, for one, am afraid that we didn't listen to Stephen Hawking.
“Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they could reach,” Hawking said. “If so, it makes sense for them to exploit each new planet for material to build more spaceships so they could move on. Who knows what the limits would be?”
I think he just watched Independence Day for the first time.
Yes, we have a coupon.
by Crystal for DH on Apr 27, 2010 1:19 PM PDT up reply actions
Or motivating Yuni to stretch out his hits for an extra base
by standing in the stands behind third base.
angels fan in seattle
by Eyebrows on Apr 27, 2010 1:11 PM PDT via mobile up reply actions 1 recs
That equatorial environment is pretty harsh
Frankly, I’m surprised anything can survive in that climate.
The job of a banana is to be consumed - to provide sustenance to an animal in exchange for dispersing the plant's seeds.
The skin color was clearly chosen to be visible, not to hide, and the ‘pointy bits’ you speak of are more or less harmless.
I suspect that bananas grew larger as part of some evolutionary arms race wherein only the most noticed fruits were consumed (and thus had seeds distributed around an ecosystem). If that still didn’t work, and people/animals still preferred the giant watermelon, the singing apples, or the pomegranates that increase the size of one’s penis, sure, you take the next step and evolve a means to move to where potential consumers are.
All of this means that I find your theory that they’re going to take over LUDICROUS. This species of banana is desperate to be eaten, and is now wandering around a god damn ROYALS game because midwestern families are generally kind, and would be less likely to rebuff a stranger’s request to eat of his flesh than would people along the coasts. If they DO show up here, they’ll be tired, beaten down from thousands of rejections, but still needing our assistance.
Hell, they’ll probably do menial yard work or something in exchange for a promise to eat them. This is essentially the opposite of an existential threat, but leave it to the big blog media to gin up a scare story. Hope you got page views for this rubbish.
by marc w on Apr 27, 2010 1:46 PM PDT reply actions 22 recs
Stephen Jay Gould would love you.
Fuck the Angels
An average normal-sized banana packs around 450-500mg of potassium
The recommended daily intake of potassium is in the 3000-4000mg range. A potassium overdose can have sweeping and severe consequences, including palpitations, anxiety, heart failure, and death.
DEATH
How can you be so blind as to the banana’s true intent, here? We have been conditioned to assume that bananas are here to be eaten, but humanity’s tendencies toward the excess have also conditioned us to never leave a meal unfinished. How big do you suppose this banana is? 100 times larger than an average banana? 500 times larger than an average banana?
What you and others fail to understand is that this banana is giant walking poison. It’s because of people like you that our assumption that bananas are here to be eaten will prove to be humanity’s undoing.
by Jeff Sullivan on Apr 27, 2010 2:06 PM PDT up reply actions 18 recs
Let me just see if I have this 'theory' of your right:
You’re saying that once you’ve got a banana hacked open, its tasty innards half in your mouth, half strewn across the lawn or whatever, that it might suddenly get uppity if you don’t clean your plate? Is that really what you just wrote?
How might it show its displeasure with your wasteful eating habits? Kick its legs in futile defiance? (I remind you, that portion of its flesh you haven’t consumed is exposed and you’ve removed its skin). Would it frown at you disapprovingly?
Look, this is wasteful from an energy standpoint, but so are the antlers on a moose. Natural selection works in mysterious ways, and not all of them involve mortal threats to human life. I suppose you’re terrified of peacocks, too.
There are real threats out there Mr. Sullivan, and I fear that by distracting the people with whatever kind of trendy fruit-bites-man story you come across, we’ll ALL be more vulnerable to them.
by marc w on Apr 27, 2010 2:17 PM PDT up reply actions 16 recs
Plus, if a banana has developed a means of locamotion (eg. legs) then it no longer needs to be eaten.
It can spread its seed on its own once it develops the ability to move. It either has some misguided want to be eaten or is up to something we can not exactly pinpoint.
by Edgar for Pres on Apr 27, 2010 2:44 PM PDT up reply actions
Why would a big banana looking to get eaten hover around Yuni?
No, no this story doesn’t add up at all.
I know, right? It's too perfect! This banana stumbled upon a giant monkey with appetite control issues.
One thing that occurs to me now that we have photographic evidence of these walking bananas in the KC area is that the symptoms of potassium poisoning that Jeff mentioned line up pretty darn well with Zach Grienke’s supposed ‘mental’ issues. Anxiety/palpitations? Check. Hell, he probably told the training staff that he’d eaten of a giant walking banana, and they just chalked it up to mental illness – it’s not like this’d be the first time the Royals training staff flubbed a diagnosis.
So if the banana shows up today and we win...
Is that a banana split?
Ok I’m done.
by Hopefulmsfan on Apr 27, 2010 1:58 PM PDT reply actions 3 recs
What you all don't understand
is that the giant walking banana is the newest weapon in our arsenal. Yes, yes you should welcome your new overlords, because we’re about to airdrop 80,000 giant walking bananas right in the middle of Grass Creek unless you agree to trade us Jack Z for GMDM.
I am now channeling Will McDonald's optimism.
I would rather die from potassium overdose than give up Jack Z.
I’ll be the Mariner Martyr. Anyone down for some banana cream pie?
by Hopefulmsfan on Apr 27, 2010 4:50 PM PDT up reply actions
This saddens me.
It’s clear to me that the good old days when enemies would exchange hostages in order to secure a brief truce has truly passed us by.
Sadly, we’re not airdropping 8,000 boxes of Nilla Wafers along with the bananas. David Glass wouldn’t authorize the purchase. Damnit.
I am now channeling Will McDonald's optimism.
Considering that the mutant banana is now man size,
bipedal able to spread it’s own seeds around (as eloquently pointed out above), the term banana cream pie doesn’t quite seem to be working as well as it would normally.
- .... .- - .----. ... / .-- .... .- - / ... .... . / ... .- .. -..
by MarioVanPeebles Republic of China on Apr 27, 2010 4:59 PM PDT up reply actions
If there isn't a guy at the game tonight wielding a large spoon there will be hell to pay
by Kouvre on Apr 27, 2010 5:02 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs
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