12:04: I'll do this until I feel like not doing this. Here's your lineup:
12:07: Byrnes hits a shot off Gamel's knee and sprints to second base on a roller into the outfield. Seems insistent upon proving that his leg is healthy, and upon hurting it again in a meaningless exhibition.
12:08: Ackley time!
12:09: That's called a curving ball. Ackley time sucks.
12:10: Byrnes gets thrown out trying to steal third with the #3 hitter at the plate. Eric Byrnes runs like a spirograph.
12:14: Someone in the background just growled. Put Byrnes on a leash.
12:17: I figure Spring Training commercials ought to be the opposite of Super Bowl commercials. You know. Good.
12:18: Rickie Weeks added 15-20 pounds of muscle over the offseason. I'm convinced players just add bulk without the foggiest idea of what they're trying to accomplish. Fun fact: a Google image query for "Richie Weeks" yields Related searches: rickie weeks hit in face
12:20: Foul pop-up bounces out of Mike Carp's glove. I'd say something snarky but Dustin Ackley just dropped an easy relay throw from Jose Lopez on a should-be 5-4-3. Carp breathes a sigh of relief. The only mockery he'll receive today will once again be based on his physical appearance. Mike Carp looks like my friend Kyle, which isn't funny to anyone except me and Kyle, or more likely just me, since it's kind of an insult to Kyle. Fuck you, Kyle. Texts are to be responded to.
12:24: "It's an easy game, isn't it, on paper?" On paper you're using a thin wooden dowel to hit a tiny sphere flying in your direction at upwards of 90mph. Baseball is about as easy on paper as this.
12:29: 3-0 Brewers after one. Fister allowed a long double to Fielder, but he induced four pop-ups in the inning and a couple groundballs. That one's on defense, and one bad pitch. Or I guess several bad pitches, since Fister also walked a guy, but still, it's not like we were watching Garrett Olson or anything.
12:31: "Hey welcome back to Brewers Spring Training baseball." Go to hell, you presumptuous son of a bitch. Also, let the record show that Eric Byrnes already has dirt on his uniform.
12:32: Carp almost gets beaned in the face. Shouldn't have moved.
12:33: Parra gives Adam Moore a hard fastball down in the zone and Moore takes it to right-center for a line drive double. Very good piece of hitting right there; if Moore tries to pull the ball, it's a roller to short. That at bat is why I kind of like Adam Moore and do not kind of like the other one.
12:37: A man just got paid more money to say the Mariners had a bad defense last year than I will make this month. Perspective is bullshit.
12:47: Second walk in two innings for Weeks. Fun lot of good that extra muscle is doing.
12:49: I always forget that water parks are vacations for some people.
12:50: Ackley Watch 2010: First-pitch pop out on a fastball down the middle. I don't know, guys.
12:55: Mark Lowe's out there now. Fister didn't do anything noteworthy through two innings, which, given that it's March and he's a candidate for the #5 spot, makes his appearance a success.
12:58: Straws don't stir drinks. People stir drinks, with straws. Prince Fielder is the person who stirs the Brewers' drink, with a straw.
1:00: Casey McGehee is way bigger than I expected. His double makes it 4-0 Milwaukee, and on the next play, Lopez can't cleanly handle a backhand grounder and Mike Carp can't handle Lopez's off-balance throw. I'm not seeing any belief systems anywhere right now.
1:04: What Jack used to look like:
1:07: Manny Parra, who threw the first few innings today for Milwaukee, is currently throwing more in the bullpen. The National League is completely backwards. Meanwhile, Dave Bush is in now, and he's just as exciting to watch as I imagined he would be, which is to say I'm staring at the story editor right now instead of the game.
1:10: Bush got hit by a line drive last year and, "in typical Dave Bush fashion, he didn't miss much time." Dave Bush had never been injured before prior to that line drive. That he came back quickly wasn't typical Dave Bush fashion. It was unprecedented Dave Bush fashion.
1:13: "What you know you get from Bush is control, sometimes to his detriment." Last year Bush's 15 hit batters led the NL.
1:16: Ken Macha is spending the bottom of the fourth talking to the announcers with a headset. One line drive to the head while he's not paying attention and we'll never have to suffer through another one of these death segments ever again.
1:17: By the way, Brandon League on for the fourth. Struck out the first guy with a pitch in the dirt. League is exceptionally weird looking.
1:19: Another swinging strikeout for League, this time on a high fastball. I think he's ready for the season. He is not dicking around.
1:20: Another grounder to Lopez's right skips off his glove on a backhand attempt. This one gets away from him. He didn't face many of those sorts of plays at second, so this is going to be a difficult transition. Balls get down there in a hurry, and they don't take predictable bounces.
1:23: Weak foul grounder down the third base line. Brewers 3B coach picks the ball up and tosses it away. Dammit, 3B coach, that was practice.
1:23: Swinging bunt gives Lopez a chance to make the patented Beltre play. He fails. Tried a barehand and I don't think he even touched the ball at all.
1:27: They re-tooled Michael Saunders' swing, right? Because the swing I see now is never going to hit the ball the other way.
1:28: Byrnes hits a foul pop-up, but it goes past the infield, so it's not a pop-up anymore. Technicalities!
1:30: Byrnes reaches out and yanks an offspeed pitch deep to left and off the top of Ryan Braun's glove. I know he's annoying and not very good, but he does have a good bit more power than you'd expect.
1:32: On Lopez: "Wakamatsu knows he's going to hit, though." No he doesn't.
1:34: Lopez just hit a fly ball to center that made Jim Edmonds shade to his left. There's a sentence I didn't think I'd ever type.
1:37: Alex Liddi takes over for Lopez at third. Well that's a relief. It says something about Lopez's defensive performance today that I feel better watching an Italian.
1:40: Corey Hart is thinking about wearing goggles for his vision because he can't see pitch spin. Corey Hart can't see pitch spin and he has 500 hits in Major League Baseball.
1:48: Prince Fielder is on the broadcast now. Says he's just trying to get better at everything. Shoot me in the brain.
1:49: Fielder keeps flinching every time hitters make contact, no matter where the ball's going. One line drive...
1:50: Fielder recently moved into a new place. I recently moved into a new place, too. His is probably nicer.
1:55: Adam Moore drills an RBI single into left, 5-1 Brewers. Looks good in an impossibly meaningless sample size of at bats. Ruins my chance to make a joke about how Bush is on fire.
1:58: Sausage Race! I hope they stretch first because that's a lot of running. I think I'd rather watch them stretch than run.
2:02: This inning's dugout interview: Gregg Zaun, Professional Badass. Not smiling.
2:03: Zaun cracks a joke. Currently smirking. Does smirking count as smiling?
2:04: Is it? Could it be?
2:05: Smiling! He's smiling! That lovable oaf just can't keep it contained.
2:06: He's not smiling anymore. Scoreless inning for Kelley; 5-1 after six.
2:10: Now visiting with Casey McGehee in the top of the seventh. Talking about hitting behind the big guys in the order: "When they would walk Prince, more often than not you've been able to mop them up." Casey McGehee evidently hits better than .500 when Prince Fielder gets walked.
2:12: Ackley takes a low fastball off the wall to center field. That's better. Edmonds played it like a ninety year old.
2:14: Liddi channeling Greg Halman right there at the plate. Guess what I mean by this!
2:18: Mauricio Robles in for the seventh. Issues a leadoff walk. No idea where the ball is going, which makes him fun from an objective perspective.
2:21: Walk, single, walk. Robles gets a mound visit from someone wearing #98. That'll help.
2:23: 6-1 now as the Brewers get an RBI groundout. Had a chance to be a DP but Carp couldn't field it cleanly. He is an astonishingly mediocre player. Robles' release point is moving around like a hummingbird. Hey, a strikeout.
2:25: By the way, the bottom-seven dugout interview: John Steinmiller. Might've been a fan.
2:29: Todd Coffey has saggy boobs.
2:30: I hate that Trevor Hoffman is a Brewer now. I hate it. It's not that I have any particular affection for the Padres or anything, but there should be a rule that if a player spends that much time with one team and establishes himself as that kind of talent, he and the team must renew the player's contract every year until he retires.
2:33: Mike Carp pulls a one-hop double to right-center. Looked to have hit it about as hard as he can. That's a bad sign.
2:39: LaTroy Hawkins looks thrilled to be this inning's guest.
Announcer: LaTroy, why is it that you decided to become a Brewer?
Hawkins: Uh...well Doug Melvin paid me, and...
Announcer: Tell us a little about yourself. You live in Texas, I think, in the Dallas area...
Hawkins: It's hard to talk about yourself!
Jesus Colome pitching now, by the way. Gives up a double to Jim Edmonds, who pulled the ball. Either Edmonds was guessing or Colome's velocity isn't there yet, like at all, because Jim Edmonds used to light bags of dog shit on Ben Franklin's doorstep.
2:45: Now batting: Steffan Wilson. He's the cooler, suaver, more datable version of Steve Wilson.
2:49: People still can't help dancing to YMCA. It's 2010.
2:53: Starting to drag. Top of the ninth, now, and it's 6-1 Milwaukee, so these sons of bitches better not stage a rally. I'm ready for a sandwich.
2:55: Not many people left at the ballpark anymore. I don't get it. The game's out of hand, but nobody goes to a spring training game caring about the outcome anyway. Who goes all the way to spring training and gets bored in two and a half hours? What is there in the Phoenix area that you'd rather be doing at 3pm on a Monday?
2:56: 6-2 as Mike Wilson triples home a run. God dammit, Mike.
2:57: Edmonds traps an Ackley line drive that the ump calls an out. Replay! Replay!
2:59: Liddi flies out to end the game. 6-2 loss. But the other M's - the good M's - are winning 5-3 against Chicago. The important thing is that game's not on MLB.tv so I don't have to watch the rest of it.