Ichiro's deal with the Devil (The Secret History of Ichiro and the Mariners, 2001-future)

Note: No one take this seriously, its for fun.  I'm an Ichiro fan.  Parts of this are intended to be ironic.

Ichiro.  The little magician.  A man of mystery, of enigmatic quotes.  But few know the dark truth behind the mask, the source of his power.

The year was 2000, and Japanese baseball great Ichiro Suzuki, unsatisfied with his accomplishments in Japanese baseball, impressive though they were, yearned for more.  And thus, like Faust before him, Ichiro made a deal with the Devil.  While Faust had sought knowledge, and had sold his soul for 12 years of power, pleasure, and knowledge of all things, Ichiro looked for something different.  Baseball Prowess, Agelessness, and above all, 200 hit seasons.

And thus was the deal made.  Ichiro would come to play in the Major Leagues, where he would have unparalleled success in his most cherished statistical category.  He would never age, a fact which he would be forced to explain away with a rigorous exercise schedule.  He would have 12 years of power.  12 years and baseball immortality, for the price of his own immortality.

2001:

It started out like a dream.  Agreeing to a contract with the Seattle Mariners, Ichiro helped lead his team to a record 116 victories in their first year.  He was awarded the rookie of the year, and collected the first of his many 200 hit seasons, with 242.  Everyone adored him.  The Seattle fans.  All of Japan.  Anyone trying to play MLB hitting streak games.  But the dream could not last forever, as deals with the Devil are never as they seem. (And Ichiro had been unable to read the fine print on his contract, written in a mixture of English, Latin, and even some Pig Latin thrown in for good measure).

For while Ichiro would have his 12 seasons of 200+ hits, his team would also be cursed.  They would forever perform well in odd numbered years, playing above their talent, but poorly in even numbered years.  This was but one of the curses that Ichiro would now face, that would be revealed in time.

2002:

While the team was cursed, it was still quite talented, and the Devil was angered.  The Devil is powerful, of course, but he is not All Powerful.  His curse was proving ineffective, and Ichiro's team, the Mariners, looked poised to reach the playoffs.

The Devil, diabolical as he is, came up with a scheme to both satisfy his curse and net him another soul in the process.  And thus he tempted Billy Beane, GM of the Oakland As, with knowledge and power.  Beane took the bait, and sold his soul to the Devil as well.  Oakland won its next 20 games, taking Seattle out of the playoff picture.  Ichiro's team was crushed.  Beane's curse would later be revealed as well.  His shit would not work in the playoffs.  (Meaning both that his team would lose playoff series, and also in another way). 

2003:

Ichiro, in testing the boundaries of his new, Devil-given powers, now discovered that he in fact had gained the power to hit Home runs at will.  Not only that, but he had the ability to pitch incredibly well too, and could have been an ace pitcher. 

But he also discovered that these powers were merely a temptation for him to suffer, a trick played on him by the Devil.  He could use them, but if he did, his power to collect hits would vanish.  If he used his powers to pitch or to hit more than about 10 home runs a year, his dream of 12 200+ hit seasons would vanish and his agelessness would be lost. 

Ichiro cursed the Devil for this temptation but made his choice.  He would stick with his beloved singles, and forego the other powers offered to him.  Still he could not help but let it slip that if he willed, he could hit homers whenever he liked, or strike out any batter in the league, and thus did his legend grow.

2004:

The even numbered year curse yet again in effect, the collapse now begun for Ichiro's team.  Talented players like Mike Cameron had been let go in the off-season, and the team became a shell of its former self. 

Seeing this, Ichiro approached the Devil again, to ask what was up.  The Devil explained to him that there was a cost for his hits, and that the more successful he was at getting his singles, the more his team would suffer.  The Devil offered him a choice: He could break the record for hits in a year, but his team would suffer horribly, or he could give up his dream of 200+ hit seasons, and his team would make a miraculous turnaround.

But Ichiro's heart was selfish, and he longed for the season hits record.  Casting aside thoughts of his team's success, he chose to hit as many singles as possible, and thus brought doom upon the Mariners, who collapsed into a 63-99 season. 

As fans gradually learned of this, some of them, those who were the most knowledgeable and insightful, made the connection between Ichiro's hits and their team’s demise, and thus realized how much this selfish Ichiro was hurting their team.  They called for him to use his powers, to hit his Home runs at will, to bring their team glory, but instead Ichiro chose to hurt his team with his singles.

2005:

Ichiro's 2005 team was a wreck, and even the positive odd numbered year could only help them to 6 more wins than in 2004.  The Devil had approached Mariners GM Bill Bavasi and offered him great intelligence and playoff success in return for his soul, but Bavasi (described by all who knew him as an extremely nice person), refused the offer.

You might think that the Devil then cursed him for this insult, but in truth the Devil has no power over those not under his control.  And thus the Devil left Bavasi to bungle things up all on his own.  Bavasi saved his soul, though he would be eternally cursed by fans for not taking the deal. 

2006:

By now, Ichiro had become well versed in English, yet he continued to hide behind translators in interviews.  Little did they guess the true reason, he was attempting to keep them from learning of his deal with the Devil, and used every tool he could, including the fake language barrier, to this end.

Meanwhile, the Devil got his revenge on Bavasi, by tricking him into trading for Jose Vidro and offering a contract extension, as a fulfillment of his deal for Vidro’s soul to get him a good job even though he had begun to suck).

2007:

The Mariners had become okay again, with just enough talent to compete for the division title with the help of the positive odd numbered year luck.

It was this year that Ichiro's secret was first discovered.  His manager, Mike Hargrove, was the one to discover his secret, and pressured Ichiro to use his powers to hit more home runs, to bat for power, and to work for the betterment of his team.  But Ichiro's 200 hit seasons continued, and he was growing close to the major league record.  He was loathe to give up his dream now, and sacrifice his chance at the record for consecutive 200 hit seasons.

Hargrove attempted to force Ichiro into this path by batting him 3rd, and Ichiro approached the Devil to complain.  The Devil, pleased that Ichiro was sacrificing his teammates success in his pursuit of 200+ hit seasons, sent shadowy figures to approach Hargrove and offered him two choices: To either retire, or to 'be retired'.  Hargrove chose his left and quit the team suddenly, a move that would mystify fans and media members who had no notion of the Devil's interference. 

(The Devil, clever as always, had a second motive for removing Hargrove as well.  For he was in the process of trying to tempt Dave Cameron to sell him his soul, and offered up the removal of Hargrove as a proof of his power).

2008:

It was an even numbered year, and the Devil worked his evil by poisoning the Mariner's clubhouse Chemistry, a factor which proved decisive in sending them tumbling to a 101 loss season.  The Devil did this by allowing the truth about Ichiro to be revealed to Carlos Silva, a member of the 'In-N-Out Burger Crusaders for the Light', a secret society of Christians who work to bring down those individuals who had made deals with the Devil.  (Their Burger joints are a front and also provide useful meeting places).

Silva, learning the truth about Ichiro, discovered that he was sacrificing his team's success in pursuit of his 200 hit seasons, hurting the team by only caring about piling up hits, sought to attack him in the clubhouse.  Ultimately he was foiled in his attack, but the damage to the team's chemistry was done.

Finally, as the year approached its end, the Devil was again approached by Billy Beane.  Beane, ever scheming to hurt a division opponent, explained to the Devil that his curse of the Mariners this year was actually going to benefit them, as they would obtain the #1 draft pick and thus get Stephen Strasburg, a once in a generation pitching talent.  Beane and the Devil agreed to cause the Mariners to sweep Oakland during the final series of the year in order to deny them the #1 pick.

2009:

Ichiro was by this point frustrated with the Devil, as he wasn’t getting much out of the deal other than his stats, but he was too close to breaking the league record to complain.  To get even with the devil, he decided to use his powers in the 2009 WBC in order to aid his Japanese national team.  While he succeeded in helping his team win the contest, the Devil fired back by cursing him with a Bleeding Ulcer.  However, the use of his powers in non-MLB games had not broken his contract, and thus even though he missed games to begin the 2009 season, the Devil allowed Ichiro to reach his desired 200 hit total.

Meanwhile, the Devil had succeeded in tempting the soul of Dave Cameron, and took his soul in return for the firing of Bavasi, the hiring of an intelligent GM and front office that would pay attention to sabermetrics, internet fame, and a paying job writing about baseball for Fangraphs.  As part of his deal, Cameron would be forced to assign the Devil's number '6' to the Mariners in his Fangraphs organizational rankings next year.   

(Cameron's blogging partner, Derek Zumsteg, found out about the deal and left their mutual baseball blog as a result, but did not reveal Cameron's secret to the fans, claiming personal reasons for leaving instead.  Another Mariner's blogger, Jeff Sullivan of Lookout Landing, did not fare quite so well in his negotiations with the Devil, managing only to secure as a price for his soul a lifetime supply of Beer).

Ichiro's team was back on its path to respectability, and 2009 being an odd numbered year, the team would be relatively successful.  While you might expect otherwise, new Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik did not sell his soul to the Devil in exchange for all his 2009 off-season moves being amazing.  Rather, the Devil had decided to enhance the Mariners numbered-years curse and blessing, because it amused him, and thus he caused all free agent signings that Zduriencik made in 2009 to work incredibly well (Branyan, etc), while all signings he would make in even numbered years (Figgins, Byrnes, etc), would fail completely.  (Mariner's fans would be shocked by the 2011 team later on, as Miguel Olivo went on to win the year's MVP award).

The observant reader might note that not all of Jack’s 2010 off-season moves worked out horribly, citing the Cliff Lee trade.  However, the Devil allowed this to happen, as it was a part of another of his schemes.  The Devil had offered Phillies GM Ruben Amaro, to get Roy Halladay in exchange for his soul. Amaro accepted, but hadn’t read the fine print which forced him to trade away Cliff Lee as part of the deal.  (And thus, the 3 team trade occurred that send Halladay to the Phillies, Lee to the Mariners for prospects, prospects from the Phillies to the Blue Jays and Brandon Morrow to the Jays for Brandon League.  For some reason, the fact that the Brandon swap was part of the deal was kept secret, and we haven’t been able to figure out why, beyond the fact that someone selling their soul to the devil was involved somehow.  Like it apparently is in EVERYTHING). 

2010:

During the season, the Mariner's even year curse struck once again, and this time the Devil was especially angry.  For the Devil had approached Ken Griffey Jr. during the off-season and offered him the chance to go out in a blaze of Glory in exchange for his soul.  But Griffey, who had refused steroids earlier in his career that would have enabled him to overcome his injuries and gain the all time Home run title, also refused the Devil's offer.  The Devil set upon Griffey with his fury.  He cursed him to never hit another home run again (which had the side benefit of frustrating many Mariners fans on the internet who had entered

into an unwise 'Griffey challege'), and he caused him to become lethargic, and unable to remain awake at critical moments. 

Thus did the Devil bring about Griffey's downfall, as his curse caused him to fall asleep during games, and to play as if he was asleep during the times he was awake.  Ichiro, ever an admirer of Griffey's was dismayed at the Devil's works, and yet was forced to stay silent, rather than jeopardize his 200 hit season. 

With the Fall of Griffey, the Mariner's team chemistry was destroyed again, causing them to tumble to another 99 loss season. 

The Future:

Two years remain on Ichiro's contract with the Devil, until the Mariners will finally be free again of the Devil's meddling influence.  After 2012, with Ichiro's 12 years of power up, he would finally age again, and his hitting ability vanish.  (Fortunately for the Mariners, executives Armstrong and Lincoln, who had close contacts with the Devil, were aware of this fact and their contract with Ichiro would end before he fell off a cliff). 

2013 would be a year of disappointment for Ichiro.  The Mariners execs, aware of his situation, would not resign him, and he would end up with few suitors.  Eventually he would settle for a 2 year deal with the Kansas City Royals.  (Royals GM Dayton Moore had also sold his soul to the Devil.  He gained the power to control Royal's owner David Glass' mind, to be able to force him to keep him as GM for all time.  But the fine print in his contract was that the Devil could force him to sign and overpay any washed up former Mariners' players.  For example, Willie Bloomquist had sold his soul to the Devil for the ability to control Mike Hargrove's mind and make him think he was the greatest player ever.  When the Devil removed Hargrove, he broke his contract with Willie, and renegotiated with him that he would force Dayton Moore to give him $3M instead).

In his first year with the Royals, Ichiro fell apart, his body finally showing signs of age, and for the first time he failed to reach 200 hits, ending his streak at 12.  It looked as if he was washed up, but our story does not end there.

The Redemption:

It turns out, that the Devil had broken some cosmic rules in his cursing of Griffey.  For the Devil was not allowed to interfere in this way with the lives of those whose souls he does not control.  And for this Griffey was able to get some recompense. 

(The fans who had suffered from the ‘Griffey Challenge’ got recompense too: they were allowed to share in Jeff Sullivan’s lifetime of free beer, at which point that deal was finally declared to have been ‘worth it’). 

Griffey was allowed to free any one soul that had been pledged to the Devil, and earn his salvation, and Griffey chose to save Ichiro, as a thanks to his friendship during their time playing together.

Ichiro was saved, but his baseball career still appeared over.  As part of his salvation, he had to agree to give up his pride, and would never again reach 200 hits.

But Ichiro was a hard worker.  His training workouts and exercise programs paid off.  Unable to ever again be a top hitter, he retrained his body to pitch, and from 2014 on he threw forkballs for the Royals.  His career revived, he resigned with his beloved Mariners eager to make up for all the years in which he had sabotaged them with his huge numbers of singles.  His career lasted until the age of 48, when he became the oldest player to throw a shutout, surpassing his former teammate Jamie Moyer. 

And it happened in the decisive game of the 2022 world series, in which the Mariners finally were able to win their first pennant, and breaking their stigma as the only team in Baseball never to make the World Series.  (The Nationals having won several times in the late 2010s during Strasburg's peak, to Mariners fans dismay).

Ichiro, in his redemption, gained ever more baseball Immortality than he did while his soul was forfeit, he became the reverse of Babe Ruth - a great hitter who transformed into a greater pitcher!