MacPhail: Theo!
Epstein: Yes?
MacPhail: Hey Theo, it's Andy MacPhail!
MacPhail: With the Baltimore Orioles!
Epstein: I know who you are.
MacPhail: So listen, I wanted to talk to you about Daisuke Matsuzaka.
Epstein: Okay.
MacPhail: We're looking to get a little veteran stability in the rotation and I was wondering if he was available.
Epstein: Well that all depends.
MacPhail: Obviously we'd give you a starter in return. Probably Matusz. You know Brian Matusz?
Epstein: I know Brian Matusz.
MacPhail: I was thinking Matusz, and probably Matt Wieters, since I know you're looking for a catcher.
Epstein: I
Epstein: You're serious.
MacPhail: So serious!
Epstein: Why don't you
Epstein: Why don't you check back in a little later.

***

MacPhail: Theo!
Epstein: Andy, hey. So, hey, Dice-K has this no-trade clause. He doesn't want to waive it, and uh
MacPhail: Yeah, we know. Did you try to pay him off?
Epstein: We offered him a few million to waive it. He won't waive it.
MacPhail: Well that's a bummer. Could you maybe try again?
MacPhail: I'll tell you what - we've got this prospect, Josh Bell, good prospect. I'll throw him in to sweeten the pot.
Epstein: We'll try again.

***

MacPhail: Theo!
Epstein: Andy, hey. It's not working.
MacPhail: What's not working?
Epstein: Dice-K.
Epstein: He does not want to play in Baltimore.
MacPhail: He still wouldn't waive it?
Epstein: Not for - not for the Orioles, no.
MacPhail: This is really disappointing. What if we sent some money?
Epstein: If you sent us money?
MacPhail: Ten million. Do you think he would waive it for ten million?
Epstein:
Epstein: Are you serious about all this?
MacPhail: How do you mean?
Epstein: You're willing to trade Brian Matusz and Matt Wieters
Epstein: And Josh Bell, and ten million dollars
Epstein: For Daisuke Matsuzaka.
MacPhail: Well yes!
MacPhail: I'll fax your office the paperwork. It's all done on our end. Just need that signature.
Epstein: *sigh*

***

MacPhail: Theo!
Epstein: Andy.
MacPhail: Good afternoon, Theo!
Epstein: Listen, just stop.
MacPhail: Stop what?
Epstein: Stop pursuing this.
MacPhail: But we really like Matsuzaka, and-
Epstein: He's not changing his mind.
MacPhail: I think if we had him in front of the rotation, he could-
Epstein: No amount of money will change his mind.
MacPhail: I think he could really rub off on the rest of the team!
Epstein: HE ISN'T GOING TO WAIVE HIS NO-TRADE CLAUSE TO PLAY FOR THE FUCKING ORIOLES
MacPhail: aw man!
Epstein: :click:

***

MacPhail: Theo!
Epstein: No.
MacPhail: What do you mean?
Epstein: Just, no.

***

MacPhail: Theo!
Epstein: Please don't call here anymore.