The Mariners as things that aren't Mariners

If we're just going to be making the Mariners homologous with things that aren't Mariners, I don't see why I can't do this.

The Mariners as session musicians for Marilyn Manson

• Grave Yaardsma
• Phelyx Burnandez
• Russell "The Hate Muscle" Brimstone
• End Times Chavez
• Shawn Helley
• Ghostly Blowpez
• Chris Jakupoltergeist
• Jason Voorhgas
• Scarèd Washburn
• Throb Johnson
• Brandyn Sorrow
• Ichiro So-Spooky
• Shaderian Beltransylvania
• Carlos Silva

The Mariners as ice cream flavors

• Ichiro Suzuki -- Matcha Green Tea with Cocaine Crystals
• Russell Branyan -- Banana Pecan Praline Heath Bar Sausage Oreo Marshmallow Mint
• Felix Hernandez -- Sunshine and Lollipops
• Franklin Gutierrez -- Malibu Coconut Rum
• Mark Lowe -- Atomic Fireball Crunch
• Yuniesky Betancourt -- Pistachio Pickle
• Ken Griffey Jr. -- Baked Alaska*
• Erik Bedard -- Neapolitan
• Ronny Cedeno -- Mendoza Lime

* Stick a fork in it! Whew, heh heh. Yep.

The Mariners as ways to put out a cigarette

• Russell Branyan -- stub it into the barrel of your M14 and then fire it out, confirming a kill at 180 meters
• Jose Lopez -- Attempt to toss it without breaking your stride into a public ashtray while walking nonchalantly into a door, but miss the ashtray and then bump your elbow into the doorjamb
• Ken Griffey Jr. -- Let it go out in your mouth, while talking
• David Aardsma -- Throw it into a wastebasket full of shredded paper and blow on it until it goes out
• Garrett Olson -- Put it in the ashtray of your car even though that makes the car smell terrible, because you're pretty sure there's a cop behind you
• Franklin Gutierrez -- Drink a fifth of 151 and stumble out onto the patio for a cigarette. While everyone else watches, projectile vomit the 151 into a puddle on the concrete, take a drag of the cigarette, and toss it into the flammable puke.
• Ichiro Suzuki -- Snuff it in a pair of used schoolgirl underwear from your mailbox.
• Carlos Silva -- Put it in the communal ashtray in the middle of where everyone's sitting, but don't stub it out entirely. It's still smoking and irritating everybody, and nobody wants to say anything or touch your saliva-drenched cigarette butt, but everyone's kind of painfully aware that you forgot to do that.
• Endy Chavez -- Have your friend fall on you while you're smoking it.

The Mariners as David Bowie songs

• Jarrod Washburn -- Love You Till Tuesday
• Chris Shelton -- Because You're Young
• Erik Bedard -- China Girl
• Ronny Cedeno -- Boys Keep Swinging
• Jack Zduriencik -- Saviour Machine
• Carlos Silva -- Life On Mars
• Miguel Batista -- Sense Of Doubt
• Dustin Ackley -- Under Pressure
• Ichiro Suzuki -- God Knows I'm Good

Anyone else?