Royals expect skin depigmentation to help Betancourt

by calim on Jul 13, 2009 3:28 PM PDT

SPRINGDALE, Ark. — Kansas City Royals general manager Dayton Moore announced a program Monday that he thinks will help newly acquired shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt turn around his woeful work ethic and on-base percentage.

The Idea, Moore said, is to lighten Betancourt's skin so that he becomes "more of a hustler, a David Eckstein-type guy." Moore said the organization subscribes to the theory that "white guys work harder" and that the depigmentation might even make Betancourt a more patient hitter at the plate.

Moore and the Royals have been roundly criticized by mainstream media and bloggers for trading for Betancourt, who was once touted as a great defensive shortstop with a useful bat but has deteriorated at age 27 into a one with the worst defensive ratings in the Major Leagues and an on-base percentage near .300, for two Class AA pitching prospects.

"We'll see what you nasty blog guys think of me now," Moore said. "This is a very scientific way to fix Yuni's perceived problems."

Betancourt underwent the procedure in Springdale, where he is rehabbing a hamstring injury with the Royals' Class AA affiliate, the Northwest Arkansas Naturals. He is expected to join the Royals after the All-Star Break.

"See?" Moore said, pointing to a couple of bloggers attending the press conference. "We didn't just trade for a Cuban nobody. We traded for a Cuban nobody, and we're going to make him a somebody."

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Comments

Is this your original work?

I can’t find it on the Onion’s site but it seems like something that’s copyrighted. That kind of thing can get this site in legal hot water. Is there a link?

by Inkara1 on Jul 13, 2009 3:40 PM PDT reply actions

Original work

by calim on Jul 13, 2009 3:43 PM PDT up reply actions

Because God forbid anyone outside of the Onion should have any creativity.

Fuck Anaheim.

by Eyeball Kid on Jul 13, 2009 3:55 PM PDT up reply actions

He said it's his original work and I left it at that.

I just didn’t want the site to get in legal trouble if he had lifted it from a site such as the Onion without any sort of link back or anything.

by Inkara1 on Jul 13, 2009 4:07 PM PDT up reply actions

It was pretty clearly original

The Onion doesn’t hack into MiLB sites and paste pictures of random doofy looking white dudes instead of Betancourt. Besides, nobody knows about Yuni so no one would get the joke.

by Bearskin Rugburn on Jul 13, 2009 4:15 PM PDT up reply actions

Are you accusing him of hacking their site?

by Sec 108 on Jul 13, 2009 4:23 PM PDT up reply actions

Yes.

Yes, that is precisely what I am doing. Take that piece of internet hooliganism down before LL gets into hot water with the MiLB watchdogs, Calim.

by Bearskin Rugburn on Jul 13, 2009 8:18 PM PDT up reply actions

Goddamned troublemakers.

Illegible

by kevin_ess on Jul 13, 2009 8:20 PM PDT up reply actions

Are you kidding?

The Onion has already done a piece on Yuni.

by The Ancient Mariner on Jul 13, 2009 4:51 PM PDT up reply actions

Genius.

Thug Life

by Slow Country on Jul 13, 2009 9:48 PM PDT up reply actions

I remember that

It was the coup de grace of all Onion articles

Don't believe the lies Bill!!!! look at the sparkly ERA!!! Sparkly, Sparkly!!! - McCovey Chronicles

by Trenchtown on Jul 13, 2009 11:39 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs

Coup de grace?

‘It was the (mercy stroke to kill a dying, wounded man) of all Onion articles’. Not sure I follow.

by Bearskin Rugburn on Jul 14, 2009 8:10 AM PDT up reply actions

Chef d'eouvre (masterpiece)

Points still for using French on Bastille day, mais oui?

Chicks dig the long ball.

by LauraBu on Jul 14, 2009 8:36 PM PDT up reply actions

^Chef d'oeuvre

Chicks dig the long ball.

by LauraBu on Jul 14, 2009 8:36 PM PDT up reply actions

Not even.

This is the chef d’oeuvre.

Addicted To Quack [dot] com; Good luck in the WNBA, Kamyron!

by qrsouther on Jul 15, 2009 3:04 PM PDT up reply actions

Nice try but

I think you’ll find this is the chef boyardee or whatever.

Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.

by pdb on Jul 15, 2009 3:07 PM PDT up reply actions

An honorable mention, at least:

This.

Addicted To Quack [dot] com; Good luck in the WNBA, Kamyron!

by qrsouther on Jul 15, 2009 3:12 PM PDT up reply actions

The real question is why WOULDN'T it be his work?

Do you ask people whenever they say anything if it was stolen from somewhere else?

by Limerickx on Jul 13, 2009 4:21 PM PDT up reply actions 3 recs

Great point, and good, funny work Calim.

Illegible

by kevin_ess on Jul 14, 2009 10:38 PM PDT up reply actions

Put away the "jump to conclusions" mat.

I'm more like I am now than I've ever been.

by ralphie81 on Jul 14, 2009 2:53 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs

Smooth 1

by CKremer on Jul 14, 2009 12:55 PM PDT up reply actions

So strange. That dude looks like fucking Dustin Pedroia.

Good catch.

by Bearskin Rugburn on Jul 13, 2009 3:41 PM PDT reply actions

Actually, he looks considerably more of a doofus, imho.

by The Ancient Mariner on Jul 13, 2009 4:52 PM PDT up reply actions

Not enough douche

by Schaefer on Jul 15, 2009 2:33 PM PDT up reply actions

Doesn't this go beyond the usual racial humor allowed here?

Yeah, I get it, lulz and all that, but….

Fans are typically idiots.

by The Typical Idiot Fan on Jul 13, 2009 3:41 PM PDT reply actions

Did you check out the link?

I will smash your face into a jelly.

by Phil Hatzenbuehler on Jul 13, 2009 3:49 PM PDT up reply actions

Clearly no.

by Sec 108 on Jul 13, 2009 4:21 PM PDT up reply actions

The picture is funny

and so is the Eckstein remark, but the article could’ve been written much dryer, more realistic-like and the quotes are stupid, especially the ending. Nice job overall though. It isn’t racist, because it’s making fun of media perception of white hustle, not advocating the stereotype.

by _David_ on Jul 13, 2009 4:24 PM PDT reply actions

I'm sure your review will be taken under advisement

but I’m sure Calim appreciates you calling his work stupid.

Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.

by pdb on Jul 13, 2009 4:27 PM PDT up reply actions 2 recs

Maybe stupid was too strong

but he’s not that far off the mark

by Bearskin Rugburn on Jul 13, 2009 8:22 PM PDT up reply actions

Agreed.

I thought it might be an Onion piece when I first opened the page, but when I got to the quotes I knew it wasn’t. It’s a good concept, but the quotes are entirely out of place and disrupt the mood of the piece. For example: “We’ll see what you nasty blog guys think of me now”… No one would EVER say anything like that in a press release (well, maybe Ozzie Guillen), it’s just entirely unrealistic and ruins the illusion that this could (in some bizarre universe) be a true story.

Instead of a spiteful “this’ll show those bloggers, I can be scientific too!” type of Dayton Moore, perhaps an earnest, but hopelessly out-of-his-element DM would have worked better:

“All around the league front offices have been embracing new methods of science and analysis to replace the old conventional thinking, and we’re right there pushing the envelope with the best of them,” announced a visibly proud Dayton Moore. “Inspired by the hustle and grit of newly acquired Willie Bloomquist, our newly-founded statistics research department has concluded that there is a direct correlation between work ethic and skin color.”

Betancourt underwent the procedure in Springdale, where he is rehabbing a hamstring injury with the Royals’ Class AA affiliate, the Northwest Arkansas Naturals. He is expected to join the Royals after the All-Star Break.

“Yuni’s skin color is now exactly halfway between those of Placido Polanco and Dustin Pedroia, the range that our research has indicated provides maximum hustle and grit.” announced Moore. “WIth his natural talent, and David Eckstein-like intangibles, there’s no telling what he can do.”

“Watch out Jeter,” remarked a grinning Moore as he left the podium.

by Terminator X on Jul 13, 2009 9:28 PM PDT up reply actions 2 recs

Bahahahahaha

...and now I'm here

by CapSea on Jul 13, 2009 4:32 PM PDT reply actions

It's not like I'm trashing the work

but I see nothing wrong with calling out “We didn’t trade for a Cuban nobody. We traded for a Cuban nobody, and we’re going to make him a somebody” as stupid. It doesn’t even fit with the joke of the article..

by _David_ on Jul 13, 2009 4:34 PM PDT reply actions

Use the reply button.

by Matthew on Jul 13, 2009 4:35 PM PDT up reply actions

I realized that a second too late, sorry.

by _David_ on Jul 13, 2009 4:36 PM PDT up reply actions

Please use the reply button

and the next time you post a six-paragraph original piece of humor and someone calls it stupid, I will refer back to this thread when you take offense to that. If the piece is not your cup of tea, fine, but there was no reason to tear it up; just ignore it and move on.

Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.

by pdb on Jul 13, 2009 4:36 PM PDT up reply actions

Or at least offer constructive criticism.

by Aaron Campeau on Jul 13, 2009 4:40 PM PDT up reply actions

I apologize, calim

There was no reason or call to criticize it the way I did, and I should’ve thought harder before posting. Your article gave me positive entertainment value, so there was absolutely no need for me to be negative. I really do think the main idea, and most of the article, is brilliant. I really am sorry.

by _David_ on Jul 13, 2009 4:45 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs