Using These SBN-Provided Player Photos For All That They're Worth
by Jeff on Oct 22, 2009 10:15 PM PDT
in Miscellaneous
102 comments
Time to (partially) make good on a promise I delivered many moons ago and classify all the Mariners on the 40-man roster by the appearance of their pictures. If someone doesn't show up below, it's because SBN doesn't have a photo available. Names not included for the sake of protecting Justin Thomas.
TIER 1 (Doesn't look like he smells)
TIER 2 (Doesn't look like he smells, but is standing close to someone who does)
TIER 3 (Can't tell if he smells but something is clearly wrong with him)
TIER 4 (Looks like he smells, but doesn't know it)
TIER 5 (Looks like he smells and knows that he smells)
TIER 6 (Looks like he smells, knows that he smells, and loves that he smells)
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I hate that smug Silva smile
2009 Safeco Field Record: 6-0 ; Overall Safeco Field Record: 10-4
by Fin on Oct 22, 2009 10:50 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
By the way, this guy totally looks like he smells.
2009 Safeco Field Record: 6-0 ; Overall Safeco Field Record: 10-4
by Fin on Oct 22, 2009 10:51 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
He has smellier pictures in existence but I was limiting myself to what SBN supplies
by Jeff on Oct 22, 2009 10:52 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
He didn't look white trash enough for me to recognize him.
by Mariner John on Oct 23, 2009 1:53 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That, or he didn't have that goatee thingy in the M's organization.
by marc w on Oct 23, 2009 2:01 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
He does
But it’s a bit different than in that photo.
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 23, 2009 3:17 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Thomas looks like he's shocked that he smells.
You got slurved!
by Slurvey on Oct 22, 2009 10:54 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Franklin's goatee strip looks really dirty
by vivaelpujols on Oct 22, 2009 11:08 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
If you mean dirty in a
“oh you dirty fellow, shagging all those flyballs” sort of way. Otherwise, I’m not sure how something that thin can accumulate dirt.
by Sam Page on Oct 22, 2009 11:18 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
You are really bored, aren't you?
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 22, 2009 11:13 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I kid
That was called kidding.
Everyone here is so serious.
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 22, 2009 11:37 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Says the comment underneath a post about which Mariner players look like they smell
by Jeff on Oct 22, 2009 11:40 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Are you insinuating that you cannot accurately gauge these players' smells in this manner?
Look, I come here for analysis, and if you’re just going to amuse yourself, I’ll get real content elsewhere.
by marc w on Oct 22, 2009 11:44 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yes
NOW it’s serious.
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 23, 2009 12:20 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I think Jeff is constantly amusing himself by making fun of others
How juvenile.
by OlSalty on Oct 22, 2009 11:43 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Oh Gaby.... Oh dear Gaby... we'll get you a smaller hat. It's OK.
by marc w on Oct 22, 2009 11:17 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
He really is small
Like way smaller than I initially thought he would be – but a baseball hat fits MY head, so…..I dunno.
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 23, 2009 12:21 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
He's not actually small. That's what makes the photo so bizarre/awesome.
I saw him all the time at Cheney, and he didn’t look quite so… i don’t know, vulnerable.
by marc w on Oct 23, 2009 9:34 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
He seemed small to me
Not small, small, (I mean, 6 feet+ is not small, right?) but smaller than I might have expected. And really nervous.
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 23, 2009 9:47 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Maybe ...
it is that double life he is leading.
by msb on Oct 23, 2009 9:50 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Oh my!
Where do you find this stuff? haha!
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 23, 2009 9:50 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Poor little fella
He looks much better in person….
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 23, 2009 3:18 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yeah, I think it's more that he has a smaller head than proportionality would dictate.
This is called Ubaldomorphism.
by marc w on Oct 23, 2009 9:54 AM PDT up reply actions 6 recs
I think maybe
Tui also belongs in the last category…
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 22, 2009 11:29 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Same with Aardsma.
Tons and tons of cheap cologne.
Making lewd comments about women behind their back, but totally within ear shot.
Often smells strongly of certain foods.
by marc w on Oct 22, 2009 11:48 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Is this some sort of awesome new form of haiku
Because it is great
by OlSalty on Oct 22, 2009 11:58 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
My head is angled
And I am smilin at you, brah
by marc w on Oct 23, 2009 12:11 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Does it make me a bad fan if I can't recognize all of these players?
Also, does SBN not provide photos for the rest of the players on the 40-man? I’m dying to know whether or not Dustin Ackley smells.
by I Lick Squirrels on Oct 23, 2009 12:34 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Wait, is that the American version of Lynx shower gel?
That’s exactly the same looking stuff as what I use, except mine is called Lynx [who make all kinds of awful deodorants as well]
I was at Shea for the Felix-Slam!
Personal M's record: 5-4.
by EnglishMariner on Oct 23, 2009 10:09 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It's time to change your shower gel!
unless your life dream is to be an American frat boy.
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 23, 2009 10:17 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Do English party boys drink whiskey and crumpets?
The Yankees suck-a-doodle-doo!
by JamMasterJesus on Oct 24, 2009 9:32 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
And how does Jack Wilson not smell?
by vivaelpujols on Oct 23, 2009 12:49 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
You're still wrong about this.
by NOLAmarinergirl on Oct 23, 2009 8:58 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Wilson is small and agile enough to do a double pits to chesty with relative ease, so I highly doubt he smells.
by Teej on Oct 23, 2009 10:35 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Oh, dear God...
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 23, 2009 3:19 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Double pits to chesty has eclisped Git R Done as the #1 phrase that makes me want to stap people in the throat.
FUCK THE ANGELS! FUCK THE ANGELS! FUCK THE ANGELS!
by Goose on Oct 23, 2009 11:17 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Do people ever say this in any neighborhood of seriousness?
by acblue on Oct 24, 2009 2:36 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I hope not.
FUCK THE ANGELS! FUCK THE ANGELS! FUCK THE ANGELS!
by Goose on Oct 24, 2009 11:50 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Just because someone is ugly does not mean they smell.
I am living proof!
by acblue on Oct 23, 2009 10:41 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
When I told you you stank I was really complimenting you on how you look.
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 23, 2009 10:45 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I feel bad for not recognising who literally half of those guys are.
Also, hilarious post!
I was at Shea for the Felix-Slam!
Personal M's record: 5-4.
by EnglishMariner on Oct 23, 2009 2:23 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
The 2009 Mariners!
“Who the hell are half these guys?”
by Craig341 on Oct 23, 2009 6:25 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
This is hard. Some of those shots are too darned artistic. Or bad.
Aardsma, Batista, Beltre, ______, Hannahan, Messenger, Morrow, Snell, Jo. Wilson.
Bedard, Branyan, Feierabend, Hall,________ , F. Hernandez, Ichiro, Jakubauskus, Olson, Sweeney, Vargas, _______, Ja. Wilson
G. Hernandez
French, Langerhans, Lopez, _______, _______.
Carp, Griffey, Gutierrez, _______, Johnson, _______, Kelley, Rowland-Smith, Tuiasosopo
Silva
by msb on Oct 23, 2009 8:33 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Tier 1 (Endy Chavez)
Tier 2 (Greg Halman), (Marwin Vega)
Tier 4 (Justin Thomas) (Sean White)
Tier 5 (Cesar Jimenez) (Bryan LaHair)
by marc w on Oct 23, 2009 9:42 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
The one before RRS is definitely Mark Lowe.
by I Lick Squirrels on Oct 23, 2009 1:41 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Does he look like he wants Doritos real bad?
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 23, 2009 3:20 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Tier 2 is the best.
Bedard is about five seconds away from exhaling loudly and scampering away.
by Teej on Oct 23, 2009 9:21 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
I'm not sure Bedard can "scamper"
Aardsma seems more the scampering type. I’ve actually seen Griffey scamper…
"Let this big fucker come in and walk the world here." - Dave Niehaus on JJ Putz
by section331 on Oct 23, 2009 9:50 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
What the fuck is wrong with Gaby Hernandez
My Mariners blog - SodoMojo Twitter Feed, Fuck the fucking Angels!
by gregrabble on Oct 23, 2009 9:26 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
He's 8?
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 23, 2009 9:28 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
The more I look at it, the more I think Marvin Vega both smells and is standing close to someone who smells worse
by Jeff on Oct 23, 2009 9:50 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I think Greg Halman is both high, and is standing close to someone who is high.
by marc w on Oct 23, 2009 9:52 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I held off as long as I could.
Seriously though, look at it.
by marc w on Oct 23, 2009 9:59 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
He is both Dutch and from the Caribbean.
I’ll bet you a million doll hairs that his bookshelf is 50% Jorge Cervantes, 25% Archie comics and 25% cookbooks involving the words “Top Ramen” “Rice Krispies” and “green butter.”
by acblue on Oct 23, 2009 10:48 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
He is not from the Caribbean.
That’s Wlad you’re thinking of.
by marc w on Oct 23, 2009 11:21 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
But I think you may have his bookshelf pegged pretty well.
At least, based on this photo.
by marc w on Oct 23, 2009 11:25 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
My racist ass assumed he was born in the Netherlands Antilles.
by acblue on Oct 23, 2009 12:00 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Halman is straight outta Haarlem.
He’s pure Dutch, no modifiers required.
by marc w on Oct 23, 2009 1:14 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I never realised how much Brandon Morrow looks like Jeff.
I like using semi-colons; they make me feel smart.
by Llewdor on Oct 23, 2009 9:54 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
In this context I'll take that as a compliment
by Jeff on Oct 23, 2009 10:03 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
No offense, but Morrow clearly doesn't belong in Tier 1
I’d say either 3 or 4…
I still can’t look at Jakubauskas without thinking of this guy:
SHOW FiFi THE MONEY!!!!
by PositivePaul on Oct 23, 2009 10:55 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Morrow looks like he showers frequently and with great gusto.
by abender20 on Oct 23, 2009 10:59 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I have to post this every time
Jigsaw falling into place
by esoteric on Oct 24, 2009 12:00 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Am I the only one
who still can’t help but read “looks like he smells” as
“has an appearance similar to his odor”?
What would that list look like?
by zorak on Oct 23, 2009 11:41 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
I'm pretty sure Bedard and Branyan smell like fish bait and gun oil.
by Kermit. on Oct 23, 2009 12:02 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yea, Now this post made me think how
ugly our players are except maybe like Gutierrez and Morrow and couple others who have normal faces. Not that I’m a good judge of how male faces look like.
Well actually I feel better after looking at the really bad starting pitcher pictures from the ALCS threads, so I’m sure other teams are even worse. I don’t think it’s this bad in football.
by fortyniners on Oct 26, 2009 1:52 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Actually I bet Adrian smells.
Like sandalwood and perhaps a bit of sea salt and maybe just a little tiny bit like a man. A real man, dammit, not something that you envision a man to be in some manner of fairy tale, but a man nonetheless; a man in the flesh. A man of actual substance, of the dirt, of the soil, of sweat and clay and yes, maybe even perhaps of the scent of a man’s most intimate possessions, not shrouded in mystery but exposed, free to the world, for all the fear and danger and boldness that such a gesture entails.
Like sandalwood, perhaps. And like a man.
by acblue on Oct 24, 2009 3:15 AM PDT reply actions 5 recs
Are you even talking about Beltre anymore??
The Yankees suck-a-doodle-doo!
by JamMasterJesus on Oct 24, 2009 9:38 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
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