The Worst Sportswriter Paragraph I've Ever Read
by Jeff Sullivan on Oct 21, 2009 10:44 AM PDT
in Miscellaneous
94 comments
This isn't in the same vein as Worst. Episode. Ever. This isn't hyperbole. I'm not trying to draw attention by exaggerating a point. This is, literally, the worst sportswriter paragraph I've ever read. The worst. There have been bad paragraphs, and there have been terrible paragraphs, and there have been paragraphs that pushed other paragraphs off the monkey bars at recess and spit in their milk, but there has never been a worse paragraph than this. Not by a professional sportswriter. Not ever.
On Manny Ramirez in the playoffs:
With only four extra-base hits, he no longer has the bat speed to get around on a fastball. With just one walk and a measly on-base percentage of .300, he no longer has the patience to make the pitcher work.
If they ever end up making a surplus of strike zone robots, they should just give Bill Plaschke's job to one of the extras, because I'm pretty sure reading a randomized sequence of two different words would be a great deal more informative.
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He earns a living doing this.
There is no justice.
by Jack Moore on Oct 21, 2009 10:45 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Please tell me that's him making fun of people drawing conclusions from tiny sample sizes.
Please?
by Graham on Oct 21, 2009 10:48 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
It's Bill Plaschke
he probably doesn’t even know what a sample size is.
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 10:49 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
We have the technology to improve sports writing, why isn't it being implemented?
by Janic on Oct 21, 2009 10:59 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I know you were joking but really my only problem with this is one of homogeneity
I love the idea of removing the Plaschkes of the world from the sportswriter ranks, but if the same computer writes all the sports stories they’ll all have the same look and feel with only differing details. Until you can teach a computer to write with a singular voice I hope this remains a novelty.
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 11:04 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Have you read this article?
This is literally the worst thing I have ever read
by Poochie on Oct 21, 2009 11:09 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I honestly couldn't get past the second line
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 11:10 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
he's on one of those inane ESPN shows that plays while I'm at the gym most days
and he is, at least verbally.
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 11:14 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yeah, just saw him on AtH yesterday and I immediately labeled him an idiot (I didn't really know who he was).
Now I’m wondering how the heck he still has a job. This article makes Steve Kelley’s work look like that of Shakespeare.
I'm more like I am now than I've ever been.
by ralphie81 on Oct 21, 2009 12:14 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Having lived five years in Denver
I can honestly say “No” — in point of fact, he’s often worse. His writing regularly brings to mind Douglas Adams’ descriptions of Vogon poetry. If one of the Denver papers was going to fold, that it wasn’t the one that employed Woody Paige is still a source of bewilderment to me. ralphie’s right — this is a guy that can actually make you wish you had Steve Kelley. The best day in Denver sports while I was there was the day Woody wrote his farewell column — he was off to NYC. I have no earthly idea why they let him come back.
In case you can’t guess, I’m not a fan.
by The Ancient Mariner on Oct 22, 2009 1:12 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I love that whenever there's a "who's the worst sportswriter alive" competition, it's always a face-off between "Around the Horn" regulars.
by Teej on Oct 21, 2009 11:13 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
That's the one!
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 11:14 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Isn't Bob Ryan actually a good writer?
by Matthew on Oct 21, 2009 11:31 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I haven't read a ton of his stuff, but he's well-regarded.
And it’s not like everyone on the show is a crazy person. I always liked Michael Smith and someone else whose name I can’t grasp right now.
But the trifecta of Plaschke, Paige and Mariotti was pretty legendary when I used to watch before work. Not sure if they’re still on anymore, though.
by Teej on Oct 21, 2009 11:41 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I thought Michael Smith and JA Adande were the only decent ones.
I only liked Woody Paige for his whiteboard messages
I fucking hate you Mariners
by kentroyals5 on Oct 21, 2009 1:24 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Tim Cowlishaw's not too bad, in my limited exposure to him
but Paige, Plaschke and Mariotti . . . shudder
by The Ancient Mariner on Oct 22, 2009 1:13 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Mar-i-ot-ti
clap-clap
clap-clap-clap
by homesickalien on Oct 21, 2009 11:50 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
marrioti is a great writer
don’t love his analysis, but as a writer, he’s pretty good, unlike BillP
by royalsreview on Oct 21, 2009 4:03 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I love that AtH has guys like Mariotti, Plaschke and Paige
and then follows it up with people like Bob Ryan and JA Adande, who are actually good at their jobs
by seattlebruin on Oct 21, 2009 11:58 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I actually love that show
But most of the writers are idiots. I just like Tony Reali.
My Mariners blog - SodoMojo Twitter Feed, Fuck the fucking Angels!
by gregrabble on Oct 21, 2009 12:36 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
They just took Around the Horn to lower levels today.
Jemele Hill made her “debut” on the show, indicating she will now be a regular.
Her writing fits in with Paige, Marrioti, and Plascke.
by Wilder. on Oct 22, 2009 2:48 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I read the title and knew who wrote it.
by marc w on Oct 21, 2009 11:14 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
In your defense you hadn't read the Paige piece when you wrote this post
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 11:19 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I forgot how truly dreadful this was. Unbelievable.
(And FJM’s takedown was good.)
by Teej on Oct 21, 2009 11:22 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yeah I agree
If I were a teacher I’d at least be forced to give him a C. He does get his point across!
by Poochie on Oct 21, 2009 11:28 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
And it looks like apologized. When will Woody follow suit?
(we all know Plaschke never will)
by marc w on Oct 21, 2009 11:31 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Hmmmm....
I get that it’s inappropriate, certainly.
But I actually find it a little funny, myself. LL has poisoned my sensitivities, I guess…
SHOW FiFi THE MONEY!!!!
by PositivePaul on Oct 21, 2009 3:07 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Funny isn't the right word...
“interesting” is…
Actually, the editors are the ones who really need the heat on that one. I actually think the angle is interesting, but the treatment of that angle is way off. Quite possibly the lede, really, because the tone is terrible in the first part. I like the concept, but just not the way it was handled.
SHOW FiFi THE MONEY!!!!
by PositivePaul on Oct 21, 2009 3:20 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
but but but
the “angle” is basically a Wikipedia list of “things that happened between this date and this date”, sandwiched in a tasteless package!
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 3:22 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
The treatment of the angle is tasteless, certainly...
I don’t disagree that it’s really all poor taste. Sports, in the grand scheme of things, mean zilch.
The retrospective angle, though, isn’t inherently bad.
SHOW FiFi THE MONEY!!!!
by PositivePaul on Oct 21, 2009 3:39 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
So?
Why do people feel it is their responsibility to be offended for someone else’s sake?
None of these people knew, or cared, who Jaycee Dugard was before this month. Now everybody feels some sort of connection to her because they read a horrible story about her life long torment in a newspaper. I would still wager that most of these simps would have a problem recognizing Jaycee Dugard in public. In 2 years, the common response to her name will be “Who?”.
Fans are typically idiots.
by The Typical Idiot Fan on Oct 21, 2009 3:45 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Let me know when the time limit is up on the inappropriateness.
I’ll start writing the jokes.
Fans are typically idiots.
by The Typical Idiot Fan on Oct 21, 2009 3:50 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
There is a difference between you, just some guy (so far as I know,)
making jokes in a setting that tends to view them as acceptable and a journalist making that joke in such a setting. It’s unprofessional.
by acblue on Oct 21, 2009 3:55 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Right.
There’s reality and then there’s my own personal belief structure for the universe.
Reality is that you can do whatever you want, you just have to accept the consequences of your actions. I am free to kick a stranger upside the head, but I am not free from going to jail for assault.
Reality is that he probably shouldn’t have done that so soon after the story broke out. There is a timing level for current shocking events that allows them to be “more okay” than now. He should have used a different example, two of which I listed below, that wouldn’t have garnered nearly the levels of outrage he got. So, yes, he made a rather poor choice for his “sandwich” commentary.
In my personal beliefs, I get to blame the offended for being offended.
Fans are typically idiots.
by The Typical Idiot Fan on Oct 21, 2009 3:59 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
If you wish to persist in your view
that everyone should have your same standards regarding what constitutes “offensive” and that the only reason people could possibly be offended by such a statement as the one Whicker made is that they are pussies, babies, etc. feel free. I personally find such a stance ignorant and remarkably cynical, but different strokes.
by acblue on Oct 21, 2009 4:09 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I'm not offended in the least
I just thought the article was lazy (look! here’s a list of things!) and somewhat ill-timed. But thanks for being outraged.
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 3:49 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
No, that I'll agree with.
It’s those taking umbridge with the “tasteless garbage” parts.
Fans are typically idiots.
by The Typical Idiot Fan on Oct 21, 2009 3:50 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
People aren't allowed to have empathy for strangers?
People in the past didn’t know about Jaycee Dugard and couldn’t have known about her, which is why they didn’t care. If they did know about her they would care. In 2 years no one will remember Jaycee Dugard’s name, but the story will live on. I don’t think either of these invalidate their empathy in the present.
People can develop empathy for others without actually knowing them. Heck, people can develop empathy for fictional characters. Just because the masses don’t know Jaycee personally doesn’t invalidate their empathy.
by ChristopherA on Oct 21, 2009 4:13 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I would gently suggest that this thread has run its course up above
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 4:14 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I thought it was funny too
Just the audacity of the suggestion that she gave a shit about what was going on in the sports world while she was being held against her will and probably ritually abused for years. “Hmm I haven’t seen my family in 10 years and all this rape sure isn’t fun but my biggest regret is I don’t know what Barry Bonds has been up to”.
by OlSalty on Oct 21, 2009 3:33 PM PDT up reply actions 3 recs
It's the kind of thing that would be funny in some contexts.
A newspaper column is not one of those contexts.
by acblue on Oct 21, 2009 3:38 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
When phrased like this, it's goddamn hilarious.
But yes, not in a newspaper. Not for general readership.
by Teej on Oct 21, 2009 3:42 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
A fine appreciation for black comedy.
Sadly, there are still some people overly prickly about Michael Jackson death jokes.
Fans are typically idiots.
by The Typical Idiot Fan on Oct 21, 2009 3:47 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Too soon I guess.
Could have done the thing with a Gulf War Veteran who just woke up from a coma or Kurt Cobain rising from the dead after blowing his head off and probably not garnered nearly as much attention. But because the shock and awe is still fresh in the minds of the irrational, it’s offensive.
God I hate people.
Fans are typically idiots.
by The Typical Idiot Fan on Oct 21, 2009 3:43 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
wait what
Kurt Cobain rose from the dead? SWEET POST-DEATH GRUNGE
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 3:44 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Great, now it's even harder to understand his lyrics.
by Matthew on Oct 21, 2009 3:50 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I liked the post-death "You Know You're Right" remix
Except I swear instead of “Heyyyyyyy” it almost sounded like he was saying “Braaaaaaaaains”
by OlSalty on Oct 21, 2009 3:55 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Sensitivity is important.
Sorry. It is. Especially when you write for a mass media outlet.
by acblue on Oct 21, 2009 3:49 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
For him?
Of course. He has to be careful what he writes because there are masses of overly sensitive people out there who will be outraged and offended if he dares to write a story involving a poor girl who had two decades of torment.
It’s the people who are overly sensitive and prickly about someone writing about a girl who had two decades of torment that I have a problem with. If it’s you, your family, or someone you know… great. Be sensitive for them because you care. The rest of the teeming masses who wont even remember whos he is in a few weeks can fuck the hell off.
Fans are typically idiots.
by The Typical Idiot Fan on Oct 21, 2009 3:53 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
People have different levels of sensitivity and it is not up to you or anyone else to tell them to "fuck the hell off" because of it.
by acblue on Oct 21, 2009 3:55 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Actually I can do just that.
I can call those who are offened sensitive babies. I can, in fact, tell them to go fuck the hell off.
Can Mr. Whicker do that? Certainly not.
Fans are typically idiots.
by The Typical Idiot Fan on Oct 21, 2009 4:02 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Especially one in ORANGE COUNTY
SHOW FiFi THE MONEY!!!!
by PositivePaul on Oct 21, 2009 4:04 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Huh
There was no joy in Green Bay and no “v” in Fare on Sunday nigh
Well of course there’s no “v” in it when you take the v out.
by OlSalty on Oct 21, 2009 11:31 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
If that were a parody it would be brilliant.
by stupidquestions on Oct 21, 2009 3:05 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
And because it's not, you cannot make a brilliant parody.
There’s nothing anyone can do to parody that. Nothing.
by marc w on Oct 21, 2009 3:28 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I hate that he gets paid to write that crap
And I have to pay to go to college to have a minuscule chance of taking ANY sports writer’s job. There is no fucking justice in the world. That paragraph alone is a fireable offense if I’m his editor. As a guy working my ass off to become a good sportswriter, seeing people like him get (sometimes good) national attention when they turn out shit like this almost makes me want to give up. Sweet Jesus.
Yesterday's Pants
A blog-thingy about the Mariners and stuff.
by BrettJMiller on Oct 21, 2009 12:13 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Just need to figure out a way to get a revenue stream.
A good model will eventually come along. SBN is making its way there.
by Wilder. on Oct 21, 2009 12:35 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
The funniest part
is that 4 xbh over 30 PA is 80 over 600 PA, which is like hitting 30 HR with 50 doubles, obviously not productive.
by _David_ on Oct 21, 2009 1:29 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I'd rather read 1,000 Youtube comments than a Plaschke or Paige article
by Gihyou on Oct 21, 2009 3:02 PM PDT via mobile reply actions 0 recs
That's a tough call
Can I just beat myself over the head repeatedly with a 2×4 instead?
Nice Guys Finish Third - My semantics are a waste of time.
by pdb on Oct 21, 2009 3:04 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Uh.
Even if you use his tiny 4 extra-base hits in 29 at-bats sample size, that works out to 82 extra base hits over a 600 at-bat season. What a tool.
by Pete_ on Oct 21, 2009 9:20 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
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