Oftentimes people will ask me if it's possible to have a game in which not a single Mariner player makes a positive WPA contribution. The answer? Indeed it is. And such a game would look an awful lot like tonight's.

This one didn't quite fit the bill - Carlos Silva managed to spare us the indignity. But it was close. In fact, all Silva would've had to do is allow Carlos Gonzalez to take him yard in the first inning, and we would've been set. No Mariner would've finished in the black, and Miguel Cairo would've made the biggest contribution with something negative (since his 6th inning single would have made less of an impact). So, yeah. That's how pathetic this was. Justin Duchscherer is due for some staggering regression, but it just isn't going to come against a lineup this terrible. Statistical inevitability has nothing on the awesome power of bad. That Jose Vidro has now batted cleanup in eight different games is a fact due to which I will forever blame 2008 for raping me of my innocence.

Biggest Contribution: Carlos Silva, +6.6%
Biggest Suckfest: Ichiro, -14.1%
Most Important AB: Suzuki error, +6.3%
Most Important Pitch: Brown single, -8.5%
Total Contribution by Pitcher(s): +6.6%
Total Contribution by Lineup: -65.4%
Total Contribution by Opposition: +8.8%
(What is this chart?)

No bullet points tonight. It's not even possible. The game only lasted 109 minutes and not a single damn thing ever happened. So instead I will direct you to an official Pravda article with quite possibly the most confusing headline I've ever seen. Every other Friday Jim Street must just laugh his way to the bank.

Miguel Batista makes his long-awaited return to the rotation tomorrow night. I hope you enjoyed being finished by nine this time, because soon enough it will be little more than a distant memory.